So sad...

Yesterday I took my daughter to the park. It was just me and her. We were throwing the ball, chasing squirrels, and running around being silly. She loves going to the park. She was laughing and having a good time, just like she always does.

While we were there, I saw this girl I knew. Her son played on the same football team as my son. I don't know her to well, but we would always say what's up when we saw each other. She was walking through the park with her daughter, who is around the same age as mine. When we crossed paths I said hi, she said hello, and she kept it moving.

So me and my daughter went back to playing. The girl I said hi to got into her car, but she didn't leave. I noticed that she was watching us. Now this might be considered strange behavior to some, but I understood exactly what was going on. She was dealing with something.

About 2 months ago, the father of her children was murdered. I didn't know him too well either, but I would always see him around. I would always see him walking his son to football practice, while holding his daughters hand. She would be smiling and skipping along, as happy as could be. There would be days she didn't feel like walking, so he would carry her. I could tell he was a good dad. His son wasn't the best player in the world, but he would always give him positive encouragement that would help him though. He would always praise him for giving his best effort. When his daughter would get bored watching practice, he would run around and chase her, just to keep her entertained.

The news of his death hit me hard. It's just so sad to know that these kids father is gone forever. His son will no longer have the support from his father that he so desperately needs. Not only on the football field, but in life. His daughter will never get to skip and smile while holding hands with her daddy ever again. And now you have the their mother, who is left with the task of supporting her children financially, as well as the task of trying to fill the emotional void of her kids not having a father. One can only imagine what kind of strain and pressure this has to have on her.

So when I see her sitting in her car watching me and my daughter, I can only imagine what she is thinking. I felt like her watching us play, reminded her of the father of her children playing with her daughter. I felt like she was thinking about what used to be, and unfortunately what will never be again. I wanted to go talk to her and tell her I was sorry, but I didn't. There is nothing I could have said that would have eased her pain.

The whole situation is just so sad to me. There is no happy ending, it just is what it is. This just serves as another reminder that this world is cold, life isn't fair, and tomorrow isn't promised. Damn.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Decisions... decisions...

I have a dilemma.

As I mentioned before, I am an assistant high school basketball coach. I have been for the past 3 years. I was recently made aware that the active head freshman coach on our staff may be leaving to accept a position at the collegiate level. I was also made aware that if I wanted the freshman job, it was mine.

This is an excellent opportunity. Our school is the premiere basketball program in our area with a long and storied history. I am honored just to be part of the staff. Currently I am an assistant on the jv and varsity teams. My voice is heard, but if I were the head freshman coach, I would be the voice. I would be responsible for laying the foundation and fundamentals of the program, all while having total creative control over my own team. I would LOVE that. Another incentive is that I would be getting paid, instead of working on a volunteer basis.

Sounds great right? Well here is the problem. I have a family. I have responsibilities. Nani already doesn't like the fact that I coach. During the season when we have practice, I spend 3+ hours a night (from about 5:30pm to around 9) out of the house. On game days, it is 6+ hours. Being the head freshman coach would require me to be gone even more. That is a lot of time away from home. When I do come home, I have to go right to sleep to be awake for work at 5am. Me and Nani not spending quality time together would really put a strain on our relationship.

My daughter is starting pre-K this year. It is going to be my responsibility to pick her up at 1:30pm every day. Being the head freshman coach, there would be days where I would have to meet my team at 2pm for away games. I could have Nani's grandmother watch her, but do I really want to put that burden on her? Plus I like picking her up. I love seeing my daughters smile, and the excitement on her face when I go get her.

My son is going to be in 7th grade. This is an important stretch in his life, and he needs me. Last year his grades were average, and his behavior was about the same. He really needs my presence to help keep him in line. Sure I could bring him along, but when would he do his homework? When would he study? There will also be times when he has his own basketball games. Am I willing to miss all of those?

So that's where I'm at. I'm torn. I have the opportunity to do something I love... which is mentor kids, be a role model, coach basketball, and be a positive male minority role model in a community that desperately needs it... all while getting paid. If I choose that, I will also be delegating my responsibilities as a parent, and sacrificing valuable time away from the people I love the most. So... what do I do???

Decisions... decisions...

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Tired...

I'm tired of conflict

I'm tired of the pursuit

I'm tired of bullshit

I'm tired of media influence

I'm tired of the "cool"

I'm tired of the numbers game

I'm tired of compromising

I'm tired of the struggle

I'm tired of so much emphasis being put on things that don't even matter

I'm tired of EVERYTHING

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I'm just so tired...

Happy Birthday Maecee...

On July 20th was my daughters birthday. She just turned 4. On Sunday we had a little birthday party for her, and yesterday we took her to the beach.

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Maecee is my baby. All of the time I hear men talk about how are scared to have a daughter... but they have no idea what they are missing. I have Koi and I love him just as much, but having a daughter it is a different kind of love. She is just so precious, so sweet, so smart, and sooo funny! She is like my best friend, and I am so happy we are so close. We have great conversations and we have a great bond. When I get off of work, there are days where I am physically and mentally exhausted. Despite that, the instant I see her I get this feeling of joy and excitement that comes over me. I may not feel like playing, or drawing, or going to the park, but when I look into her eye's and I realize she has been waiting for this moment all day, I know that I can't let her down. I love her, and I pour my heart and my soul into her. There are times where I just sit back and look at her and say to myself... "wow, that is my baby girl." I am just so lucky to have her, and so proud to be her father. Happy birthday Maecee.

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Don't talk... just listen

I don't mean to be so blunt, but some things just need to be said. I don't like your friend. Nah fuck that... I HATE your friend.

I know you met her before you met me, but so fucking what. I am your best friend. I know her, and I know she is no good for you. I'm not trying to control you or anything, but I don't think you should get up with her anymore. When you roll with her, you act different. You say you are the same person, but you aren't. You just can't see it. Her influence clouds your judgment. I know that is your bud and I know she seems warm and comforting, but she deceives you. That bitch is a liar. She twists up shit to make you feel better, only to have everything go up in smoke when you realize she is gone.

You see... I've known that grimey ass chick since I was young. A couple of kids around my way used to mess with her. My friend Ronnie piped her. She even flirted with me one summer. I was immature and stupid, so I ended up bagging her. Luckily for me, I didn't take her too serious. I never hit that. I'm glad I didn't either, because shorty probably would have burned me. I really got to know her, and I realized she was dirty and nothing but trouble. At that point, I let her go for good.

It's sad that you know she is no good for you, you know I don't like her, but you hang with her anyway. Why? That shit fucks my head up. There are times when I see you and you say you haven't been with her, but I know you are lying. I can see it in your eyes. She manipulates you. She makes you spend money on her. She treats you like shit when in reality, she is the fucking dirt bag. I wish you could step outside of yourself and look through my eyes , so you can see how she affects you.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried everything. I've tried the hands off approach. I've tried to make you feel guilty. I've even threatened to end our friendship. No matter what I do, you still don't seem to get it. It hurts me to see you like this. I am not being selfish, I am just looking out for your best interests. I love you. I am begging you to listen to me. You are a great person, and I just don't want your friendship with her to be your downfall. You have the opportunity to do many great things in life, and I don't want you to blow it.
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So please take my advice... and just let her go.
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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned.

Other things...

In high school everything I did revolved around sports and girls. Sports, girls, sports, girls. Now as an adult, I feel like while I focused so much on those things, I missed out on other opportunities to do so much more.

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I wish I would have been in the band in high school. I wish I could have played the trumpet or the saxophone. How cool would it have been to be in the band and play the national anthem before a football game, and then go run on the field and be the starting quarterback? I would have loved to do that. I would have loved to do the same thing at basketball games too.

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I wish I would have been in the Student Government. I feel like I would have been a good leader with good ideas, who would have been able to influence others into doing positive things for the greater good. It would have been fun to see how my voice and my leverage could have impacted things.

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I wish I would have written in the school newspaper. I would have had my own little re-occurring column, where I would have addressed numerous topics from a young adolescents point of view. I would been fun to stir up some debates, all while bringing awareness to the paper as a whole.

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I wish I could have done it all. I would have been on the Debate Team, Art Club, Key Club, and everything else. You never know what you will like until you try it, especially at a young age. That's why I encourage my children and the kids I coach to broaden their horizons, and try other things. A lot of the kids I deal with are so concerned with image, just like I was. In the neighborhoods they come from, so much emphasis is put on being the man, looking fly, or being a good athlete. School clubs are considered corny. You are considered a nerd if you pay attention in school and get good grades. I try to use my influence and experiences to show them that it is ok to be different, and it is ok to achieve. There is so much more to life, and I want to make sure they don't miss out on any opportunities to discover other things they may enjoy... kind of like I did. Hopefully my voice is heard.

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for vising and stay tuned...

Words to live by...

My world it moves so fast today

the past it seems so far away

and life

squeezes so tight that I can't breathe...

And every time I've tried to be

what someone else thought of me

so caught up

I was unable to achieve...

But deep

in my heart

the answer

it was in me...

And I made

up my mind

to define

my own destiny...

The lyrics above are the first verse from the song "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" which is the title track of Lauryn Hill's first album. This is one of those instances where music really had an impact and influence on my everyday life.

This song kind of describes my evolution as a man. Growing up my life moved so fast, and lacked it's own direction. I felt the pressures of society. I felt like a lot of decisions I made were influenced on what was considered important by the by the masses, and not by me. It wasn't that I was a follower or anything, but I just kind of went along with the established status quo of the world. When I finally figured out that my life wasn't about anyone elses idea of happiness or success but my own, I felt free. My life actually became my life.

That's why I am how I am. For the most part, I don't care what people think about me. I don't need to be cool, or to be what someone else wants me to be. I don't need to fulfill anyone elses expectations on what I do with my life, other than my own. I don't have goals of obtaining material things to make me feel accomplished, or goals of obtaining a career with a title to make me feel important. Like the song says, I made up my mind to define my own destiny.

I love my humble life. I love living my life slowly. I just try to take it all in, and enjoy every moment. I love blending in with the crowd. I love my cool little family. Being a great husband and a regular dad make me feel successful. Watching my kids evolve into good people who will make a positive contribution to the world is what makes me feel accomplished. I just love being comfortable enough to live my life on my terms, and not worrying about the pressures and influence of the outside world.

What makes me love this song even more is that Lauryn Hill really lived what she sang. This album won like 8 Grammy awards, but despite that we never heard another album from her again. She had a family, and her heart was no longer in music. She could have easily made another album, and made millions of dollars if she wanted to. Even though she felt pressure from fans and people in the music industry to make more music, she stayed true to herself and she stayed away. She wanted to live her life and raise her family out of the spotlight, and that's exactly what she did. I applaud her for that

So thanks again Lauryn for giving me these wonderful words to live by. I am very grateful.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...