My turn...

I already know what is coming as I make the right turn onto 2ND St. I roll down my windows and lower the music to prepare myself for the inevitable. I pull up in front of my son's house, and here comes Koi jumping off the porch. He then leans into the passenger side window to ask me the exact same question he always does.

"Can Tajon and Khalfani come?"

Tajon is my son's best friend. He is 11 years old. His father is nowhere to be found. His mother is in prison. His aunt is his primary caretaker, even though she doesn't have a place of her own. They both live with his grandmother, in one of the worst neighborhoods in town.

Khalfani is my son's cousin. He is nine years old. His father is always in and out of jail. When he is out, he isn't around too much anyway. His mother spends a lot of her time at work trying to make ends meet. So Khalfani usually spends most of his time at my son's house.

Now as Koi is asking me this question, I look to the left and I see Tajon. He is leaning up against the railing with this nervous look on his face. He has his hands behind his back, probably because he has his fingers crossed. I look to the right and I see Khalfani. He is on the other side of the screen door trying not be seen, but at the same time trying to be close enough to hear my response. I then take a glance in my rear view mirror. I see a bunch of young drug dealers smoking weed, staring down every car that rides down the block. When I look out the front window, I see crackheads walking around like zombies on Halloween. After my quick observation of the situation, I say to Koi what I always say when he asks me the question he always asks.

"Tell them to come on."

Once they get in the car, Tajon and Khalfani are always smiling. They don't even care where we go. They are just excited to have the opportunity to get off the block for a while.

As we are driving, it takes at a maximum of about 90 seconds for the next inevitable question to be asked. No longer than the amount of time it takes me to drive to the stop sign on 3rd and Linden, Koi will say...

"Dad... can we get something to eat?"

I'm not at all surprised. I knew it was coming. Khalfani and Tajon then take a peek at me through the rear view mirror, to try to get a read on what my answer will be. I then look into the back seat, and ask Khalfani what he ate today. I don't even know why I ask, because I already know what his reply will be. It doesn't matter if it is 9am or 3pm, he will give me the exact same response every single time.

"I ate cereal."

These kids never eat. I will usually end up taking them to my house for a meal. If I am feeling generous that day, I may even take them all to McDonald's or Little Caesers. No matter what they eat, I know they will always eat it all. And if I don't eat all my food, I can always count on one of them to eat the rest for me.

After that we will either go to the park, or go to my house depending on the weather. If there is an open gym, or if I have a basketball or flag football game, I will take them with me. When we just go to my house, they like playing the wii, shooting baskets on Maecee's indoor hoop, and watching funny videos on youtube. They always end up being loud, spilling something, and making a little mess. They frustrate Nani sometimes to the point where she will have to leave the house. I can take it though, because I already knew those things were going to happen when I picked them up.

Every single time I pick up my son, I can expect the exact same thing from him and his crew. On the flip side, they can always expect the exact same thing from me. Every time I get them together, I talk to them. I use those times as teaching opportunities to talk about life.

I talk to them about the young drug dealers on the block. I explain to them that they may have the new Jordans and expensive cars now, but one way or another that will all eventually come to an end. The people who live that lifestyle either end up dead or in jail. Even when a drug dealer gets out of jail, those mistakes still effect them for the rest of their lives. Those charges on your record will prevent a person who is matured and who is really trying to do well from getting a job, a student loan, among many other things. I give them examples of people they all know who fell victim to the game, to further prove my claim.

I encourage them to work hard. Nothing in this world is free, and nothing comes to people by accident. You can't lie, cheat, and steal to get by in life. I unfortunately have Tramell to use as an example of this when trying to get my point across. Hard work builds character, and gives people a greater sense of satisfaction when a goal is reached the right way.

I talk to them the importance of education and knowledge. Those two things are the foundation for their future. I tell them it is just as important to absorb the things they are taught as it is to get good grades. An education coupled with a strong knowledge base provides more options and opportunities for an individual. Those things are what help people achieve their dreams.

I talk to them about sex. I tell them it is ok to wait. I always use myself as an example. Koi knows I love him with all my heart, but having him at such a young age limited my college opportunities. My mom still has a box full of letters from colleges all over the country who showed an interest in me joining their respective football programs. The kids get a kick out of looking at where I possibly could have gone. Having a child changed all that. I also make sure they understand that if they do experiment, that they should protect themselves by wearing a condom. The feeling you get from having sex is not worth carrying around a disease for the rest of your life.

I encourage them to be leaders, not followers. There are going to be situations where they are going to have to make tough decisions. I just have to make sure when those times come, they are ready to make the right choice. They can't worry about what the crowd is doing. When they are asked to sell drugs, rob someone, or smoke weed, they have to understand no matter how strong the peer pressure is, that it is ok to say no.

So every time I get my son, I know he will ask for Tajon and Khalfani to come. I know that they will be hungry, and I know I will have to readjust my monthly budget to feed all them. I know that they are going to be loud, and I know they are going to make a mess. Despite all of that, I have to take them. It is my turn to be James Kostic, Kenny Kostic, Jasper Drummond, and Peter Dixon. It is my turn to be a father figure to the kids of the community. Tajon and Khalfani are good kids. Two good kids who happen to be in two tough situations. There are all kind of negative influences around them, so it is important they can get away and experience something positive every chance they get. It is important that they are talked to about situations in life that they are going to come across. They need the influence of a positive male role model who has been through the same things they will go through. If they stay around the way, it is only a matter of time before the influence and allure of the fast life will manipulate and eventually get the best of them.

I can't let that happen.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Him...

He is not conceited. He is not cocky or arrogant, and he doesn't think that he is better than anyone else. Throughout his life, he has been told that these characteristics were many peoples initial impression of him. Once they really get to know him, they come to understand that he is not like that at all.

The truth is, he is humble. He is nice, he is caring, and he has a good heart. It may not be evident from the outside looking in though, because he is also reserved. He is introverted. He grew up an only child, so he is used to being by himself. He is used to processing his thoughts and emotions internally. Even though he has grown into a man, his behavior is he same as it’s always been.

If he walks into a party or any other type of social setting, he doesn't need to be acknowledged. He doesn't need to shake hands, say hello, or engage in any small talk. It's not that he thinks he is too good to talk to anyone, he just prefers being in the background observing the scene.

Initializing a conversation with a person or a group of people he doesn't know is something he would never do. He could see the same person-at the same spot-at the same time-every single day, and never say a word to them. Most of the time he is so consumed in his own thoughts that he may not even notice the other person. If they would ever end up speaking, he would be doing most of the listening, and not much of the talking. He is not trying to be rude, that's just how he is.

He loves being home by himself. He loves going to the gym, going out to eat, and going for drives all by himself. He loves being alone so he can think and process his thoughts without interruption. Now make not mistake about it, he loves being around his family and close friends. Those are the moments in life that he cherishes the most. No matter how good those moments are though, he still needs his alone time.

He understands his behavior may rub some people the wrong way, and he is trying to do some things to become a little more personable. He is still him though, so he is not going to change to the point where he compromises himself too much.

So if you see him in a room not talking to anyone, or catch him walking alone not acknowledging the presence of the rest of the world, try to remember that he is not conceited. Try to remember that he is not cocky or arrogant, and he is not thinking he is better than anyone else. He is just being him.

Trust me... I know him well. Hopefully one day you will get to know him a little better too.

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Reality...

On Thursday, October 1st 2009 at 12:57PM EST, me, Shannon, and Tramell were all sitting in the same room. We were smiling and laughing like everything was cool. Tramell had jokes like he always does. Me and Shannon hadn't seen Tramell in almost 3 years, but it sure didn't feel like it. For those few moments, it felt like we were chilling on the basketball court in the Salvation Army, or sitting on the porch at the crib on 15th st. That feeling wouldn't last long though. The court clerk came in and told everyone to rise, and it was back to reality. We weren't on the porch, or on the basketball court anymore. We were now sitting in courtroom 3b at the Philadelphia Federal Courthouse. We were at the sentencing hearing for Tramell's bank robbery conviction.

The whole situation didn't even seem real to me. Here is a person who I grew up with, laughed with, and shared so many experiences with, standing in front of a United States federal judge awaiting his fate. All I kept thinking was... "how did it all come to this?" The man that the U.S. Attorney was describing was not the man I knew. Yes he was convicted of a very serious crime, but Tramell was not the animal they made him out to be. I know a man who is selfless, generous, and who has a good heart. I know a man who took care of other peoples kids, and fought other peoples battles. I know a charismatic individual with a great personality that could make anyone laugh. I know a man who could walk into a room filled with all different types of people, and end up bringing everyone together. I know a good man. Every time I see someone and they ask me about Tramell, they always follow my response with their own personal story about him. It is always something funny, or something positive. This man touched everyone he came across.

So witnessing Tramell handcuffed wearing a green jumpsuit, surrounded by U.S. Marshall's was hard for me to see. I looked at Shannon, and I could tell it was hard for him as well. We couldn't show it though, because we had to stay strong in support of our friend. You would think with all of the people Tramell helped in his life, the courtroom would be packed with supporters. The only other people there besides us were his mother and stepfather. Tramell told me a lot of people showed their true colors throughout this whole process. I know that hurt him, but I also know he wanted to put that past him, and continue to move forward with the people that stood by him.

I don't want to go into detail about the hearing itself. It was what is was, and I am just going to let it be. It all ended with the judge sentencing Tramell to 429 months in Federal Prison. Forty-one years. Forty-one years? Murderers, rapists, and child molesters get lighter sentences for what in my opinion are far worse crimes. Not one person was hurt in any of the crimes Tramell was convicted of. Regardless of that, the federal statute for the charges he was convicted of called for a minimum sentence of 32 years. Seems like the judge added another 9 years just for fun. Crazy.

When the sentence was handed down, Tramell looked back at us and said he was good. The U.S. Marshall's then proceeded to take him back to prison. Just as Tramell was about to step out the door he said... "I don't believe in time, I believe in Allah." Even though we have different religious beliefs, I support his decision to adopt a new faith, and I hope that helps him get threw this tough time.

If all else fails, one thing Tramell can always believe in is me. No matter where this next stage in his life takes him, he can always have faith in knowing I will always be there to provide the support he needs. We are friends, and this unfortunate set of circumstances doesn't change a thing. I always tell Tramell that they can lock up your body, but they can't lock up your mind. I hope he can lose himself in thoughts of better days, like us chilling on the basketball court in the Salvation Army, or us sitting on the porch at the crib on 15th St. I will always be there to keep those thoughts fresh in his mind, until they can one day become a reality again.

I love you Tramell. Keep your head up.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Struggle...

Growing up was a struggle.
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When I was a child, there was a period from when I was like 10 until I was like 14 where we didn't have cable in my home. When I turned on the TV, all I saw was a big blue screen. It was embarrassing. I tried to do whatever I could to make sure people didn't find out I didn't have cable. This was one of the reasons I didn't like having my friends come over to my house. In the instances when they did come over, there would already be a movie in the VCR. It would either be House Party, The Program, or Above the Rim, because those were the only movies I had. When my friends would sit down to watch TV, what I would do was press play on the VCR, and THEN I would turn on the TV. So when the TV would come on, the movie would already be playing. I would then say "let's just watch this."

Around that same time is when the TV show "The Simpson's" became popular for kids my age. Well again I didn't have cable, so unless I was at a friends house, I didn't get to watch it. I remember the Simpson's would air on Sunday nights, and every Monday morning at school that episode would be the hot topic of discussion. So on the playground before school, the kids would all be gathered around talking about what happened. I would be there laughing and nodding my head as if I saw the episode too. As the morning went on, I would hear the specifics of the episode over and over again. By the time lunch rolled around, I had heard the description of the episode so many times, that I would end up being the one giving it. I would break it down so good, that nobody would have ever been able to tell that I didn't have cable.

Cable wasn't the only thing I didn't have growing up. As I already mentioned, I didn't really like having people over at my house. Cable was one reason, but another was our water situation. The water in our bathtub wouldn't go down when we took a shower, and our toilet was all messed up. What we did was turn the main line of water in the house off, unless we were taking a shower or we had to go to the bathroom. When we took a shower, the water would fill up in the tub. So we only had a few minutes to wash up before the water was up to our knees. To get the water out, we had to fill a bucket up with water, and one by one dump the water down the toilet until the tub was empty. I hated doing that, especially at 7am before school.

If I had a friend over and they had to go to the bathroom, while they would be walking upstairs, I would be running downstairs to turn the water on. While they would be doing their thing, I would be waiting right outside the door for them to finish. Reason being is that if you flushed the toilet and waited too long, the toilet would overflow. What you had to do was lift off the back of the toilet and take out this ball so the the water could pass through it. There would be times where someone would go to the bathroom, flush the toilet, then take their time washing their hands and looking in the mirror. After all of the that time passed, the toilet would inevitably overflow. They would be like, "yo your toilet is overflowing." I would be right in the hallway acting like I didn't know what was going on, but in the back of my mind I'm telling myself, "of course it is overflowing, you took too long!" Embarrassing.
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As I mentioned in previous instances before, food was always an issue growing up. I used to eat liver and lima beans. Liver is so nasty, but it was either eat liver, or don't eat anything at all. We didn't have much money, so liver was one of the only things my mom could afford. Before I used to take a bite , I would hold my breathe so I wouldn't have to taste it(I would still be able to taste it a little bit though). There would be all kinds of meals my mom would "manufacture" just so we wouldn't be hungry. I used to eat spam, corned beef, eggs, and anything else that was cheap for dinner. Somehow, someway, my mom could make 25 dollars in food keep us fed for a whole week.
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When the little food we had was almost gone, we had to really get creative. I would go to kitchen every couple of minutes, open up the refrigerator and all of the cabinets, just to see if there was something I may have overlooked in my previous searches for food. When I realized nothing was going to magically appear, I used to make mayonnaise sandwiches, bread with just the spices from the cabinet, and my favorite made up snack... pineapple-cheese bread. We would get food from the food bank, and in some instances the food we were given would include pineapples. Me and my mom had the idea of putting cheese on a piece of toast, and then putting a slice of pineapple on it. That creation turned out to be a delicacy in our home.
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We hardly ever went out to eat. The only times I went to McDonald's were the times my grandfather would take me, and those times were few and far between. We did go to the dinners at the food bank though. I remember a couple days before Christmas on December 18Th 1993(I will NEVER forget that day), me and my mother went to this food bank dinner that was in the basement of a church. Before everyone ate, they had a prayer that they did. During the prayer, they asked if anyone wanted to accept GOD, or something along those lines. Well me and my mother already had our eyes closed and our heads down, and we thought that raising our hands is what everyone else was doing. We thought it was kind of like a prerequisite we had to complete before eating. Well as it turns out, we were the only people with our hands up. So they made us stand up in front of everyone, put our hands on the bible, and repeat a few words that they spoke. They hugged us, everyone clapped, and they gave us two little wooden crosses to commemorate the moment. As embarrassing as that moment was, the meal we ate afterward made it all worth while.
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Growing up, I definitely wasn't the fly kid on the block. I used to have two pair of Lee jeans (one black, one blue), a pair of khaki's, and a bunch tee-shirts. I had a few of those 3 for $10 dollar t-shirts with those gangster guys on them. If you grew up in the 90's, you know what I'm talking about. Ironically, I also had a few Bart Simpson tee-shirts too. Sprinkle in a few items from the second hand shop, and that was my wardrobe. In 7th grade, I was around the same height as my mom. She had this one pair of jeans that I kind of liked. They were Bill Blass womens jeans. I didn't care though, I felt like if I rocked them nobody would notice. My mom used to leave for work before I left for school. When she was gone, I would find those jeans and wear them. I used to have to wear a long t-shirt with them though, because they had Bill Blass written on the edge of the pocket. Nobody ever knew.
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My sneakers were always beat. Around that time, Air Jordan's were the sneakers every young kid wanted. No matter how bad my mother wanted to get me a pair, she couldn't afford them. I can't even front I used to envy the kids at school who had the new Jordan's. I remember my homeboy Sheldon came to school rocking the Carmine 6's, and I couldn't take my eyes off of them things. They were mean. I had some Magic Johnson Converse, some Patrick Ewing Adidas, or whatever else was on sale and under 30 dollars at the time. I used to try to tell myself those players were good and my shoes were cool, but I was lying to myself and I knew it.
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Then there were my haircuts. Haircuts at the barbershop cost money. Jasper used to give me these messed up bowl cuts for free. He eventually gave me a pair of clippers, and I started to cut my own hair. I used to put these crazy parts in my head, make myself bleed, and just give myself overall bad haircuts. If I would mess up my hair too bad, I would just cut it all off and try again when it grew back.
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My mom used to always tell me that even though we struggled, if we stayed positive and worked to better our situation, that we would see progress. She told me there is no easy way out. Getting money by selling drugs, or any other illegal means would eventually catch up with you. The easy way isn't always the best way. As always, my mother was right. After years of trying, she found a better paying job, and things eventually improved. We got our toilet fixed. We got the tub fixed. We got cable. We still had mayonnaise on our sandwiches, but now it would be accompanied by meat. She got me some decent clothes, and when I was in 12th grade she even got me my first pair of Air Jordan's. We were seeing progress.
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When I really think back on it though, things weren't really all that bad to begin with. I mean even though we struggled, we made it through with what we had. Sure I didn't have cable, but did I really need cable? Not having cable was actually more beneficial to me than having cable. It forced me to go outside, play sports, and interact with others. Sure our water leaked and that was a problem, but at least we had water. The tub never fell through the ceiling like we thought it would. Our water got hot, our toilet flushed, and the water eventually went down. I mean yea we had to do a little extra to make it work, but we made it work. Yes the taste of liver was nasty. Yes it was embarrassing carrying food home in boxes, and embarrassing eating holiday meals next to homeless people. I always had a meal though. So what if I didn't have the newest shoes, or the newest clothes. The clothing I had may have not been cool, and may not have met the standards of our materialistic society, but at least I had clothes. I was always warm in the winter. And so what if I had bad haircuts. After a few years, I became really good at cutting hair. So good in fact, that I still cut my own hair to this day.
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When I talk about my struggles, it is not because I want pity. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I talk about them because they make me laugh. They make me proud. I talk about these things because it may give someone who is going though a struggle a little hope. There was a time in my life when I was so ashamed to admit some of the things I have been through. Now that I am an adult and lived through those struggles, I realize that I wouldn't have wanted to grow up any other way. Those struggles made me who I am today. Those struggles made me strong. They humbled me. They conditioned me to be mentally tough. They help me appreciate the little things most people take for granted. Those struggles are the reasons I volunteer my time. They are the reasons I give my old clothes to the Salvation Army. I know how much it helps, because I come from the other side of that struggle. I feel like no matter what struggles I may encounter in my life today, I can overcome them. I feel like I can't be broken.
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The great African American abolitionist Fredrick Douglass once said... "there is no progress without struggle. " Now that I think about it, my mom kind of said the exact same thing. They were both absolutely right. Thanks guys.
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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Sand...

We are like sand on the beach. We... as in me and you. Once all of the garbage on the beach is sifted away, all that's left is the sand. Once we escape all that is going on in the world, all that's left is me and you. We are molded together so we can co-exist, and after a while we begin to bond. We become one. We work with each other to form a strong foundation for something with purpose, something bigger than ourselves. We are then smoothed out and touched up for all to see. We are beautiful. We started out as sand, but we have joined together to become a sandcastle. We started out as me and you, but we have come together to become us.

When sandcastles are done right, they look great. They look strong, stable, and secure. In reality though, it is all a facade. They are fragile. They are weak. It seems like no matter how much work you put into one, they will never last. At any given moment they can collapse, or the tide could rise and make our sandcastle fall.

So why do we take so much time, and put so much effort into making sandcastles... over and over and over again... if we know they aren't built to last? There is only one reason. We do it for her. We do it for the happy little girl at the beach, who is holding a bucket and some tools, ready to help build something great. She loves sandcastles, especially the one that she completes. After all of the hard work is done and it all comes together, she gets so happy. She shows it off, takes pictures with it, and just enjoys what we worked so hard to create.

Now without fail, the sand will eventually become dry, become weak, and the sandcastle will fall. So what do we do? We rebuild it. We have to. We don't want to let her down. The little girl is so young, so beautiful, and so optimistic. We will do anything to keep her happy. Even though we know it won't last, we help her anyway. It takes a lot of time and effort to keep us together, even for a short period of time. It breaks, we rebuild, it breaks, we rebuild. We get hot, we get dry, and we get tired, but we never let her see it. We have to do our best to appear strong... for her. The smile she has when we are together, makes the hard work and sacrifice really worth it.

This process has been going on long enough. It is time for a change. I'm tired of being sand. Not tired of just me being sand, but tired of us being sand. We have to start over. We have to really start over. We need to take our time and build one last castle that is not only beautiful, but one that will last. Not just for the little girl, but for us as well. The little girls will alone isn't going to keep us together forever. We have the blueprint, we just have to tweak it. Instead of being sand, we need to become concrete. We have to make sure our foundation is strong. We have to make sure we build something that can withstand any storm, as well as withstand the test of time. We have to build something that the little girl, as well as ourselves can always admire, and always count on.

If we don't become concrete and choose to remain sand, it is going to wear us down. It is going to wear us out. We will keep crumbling, and eventually we won't have the strength or the will to rebuild what we once had. The tide will come and take what was once so promising, so beautiful and so special... and wash it all away.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...