My turn...

I already know what is coming as I make the right turn onto 2ND St. I roll down my windows and lower the music to prepare myself for the inevitable. I pull up in front of my son's house, and here comes Koi jumping off the porch. He then leans into the passenger side window to ask me the exact same question he always does.

"Can Tajon and Khalfani come?"

Tajon is my son's best friend. He is 11 years old. His father is nowhere to be found. His mother is in prison. His aunt is his primary caretaker, even though she doesn't have a place of her own. They both live with his grandmother, in one of the worst neighborhoods in town.

Khalfani is my son's cousin. He is nine years old. His father is always in and out of jail. When he is out, he isn't around too much anyway. His mother spends a lot of her time at work trying to make ends meet. So Khalfani usually spends most of his time at my son's house.

Now as Koi is asking me this question, I look to the left and I see Tajon. He is leaning up against the railing with this nervous look on his face. He has his hands behind his back, probably because he has his fingers crossed. I look to the right and I see Khalfani. He is on the other side of the screen door trying not be seen, but at the same time trying to be close enough to hear my response. I then take a glance in my rear view mirror. I see a bunch of young drug dealers smoking weed, staring down every car that rides down the block. When I look out the front window, I see crackheads walking around like zombies on Halloween. After my quick observation of the situation, I say to Koi what I always say when he asks me the question he always asks.

"Tell them to come on."

Once they get in the car, Tajon and Khalfani are always smiling. They don't even care where we go. They are just excited to have the opportunity to get off the block for a while.

As we are driving, it takes at a maximum of about 90 seconds for the next inevitable question to be asked. No longer than the amount of time it takes me to drive to the stop sign on 3rd and Linden, Koi will say...

"Dad... can we get something to eat?"

I'm not at all surprised. I knew it was coming. Khalfani and Tajon then take a peek at me through the rear view mirror, to try to get a read on what my answer will be. I then look into the back seat, and ask Khalfani what he ate today. I don't even know why I ask, because I already know what his reply will be. It doesn't matter if it is 9am or 3pm, he will give me the exact same response every single time.

"I ate cereal."

These kids never eat. I will usually end up taking them to my house for a meal. If I am feeling generous that day, I may even take them all to McDonald's or Little Caesers. No matter what they eat, I know they will always eat it all. And if I don't eat all my food, I can always count on one of them to eat the rest for me.

After that we will either go to the park, or go to my house depending on the weather. If there is an open gym, or if I have a basketball or flag football game, I will take them with me. When we just go to my house, they like playing the wii, shooting baskets on Maecee's indoor hoop, and watching funny videos on youtube. They always end up being loud, spilling something, and making a little mess. They frustrate Nani sometimes to the point where she will have to leave the house. I can take it though, because I already knew those things were going to happen when I picked them up.

Every single time I pick up my son, I can expect the exact same thing from him and his crew. On the flip side, they can always expect the exact same thing from me. Every time I get them together, I talk to them. I use those times as teaching opportunities to talk about life.

I talk to them about the young drug dealers on the block. I explain to them that they may have the new Jordans and expensive cars now, but one way or another that will all eventually come to an end. The people who live that lifestyle either end up dead or in jail. Even when a drug dealer gets out of jail, those mistakes still effect them for the rest of their lives. Those charges on your record will prevent a person who is matured and who is really trying to do well from getting a job, a student loan, among many other things. I give them examples of people they all know who fell victim to the game, to further prove my claim.

I encourage them to work hard. Nothing in this world is free, and nothing comes to people by accident. You can't lie, cheat, and steal to get by in life. I unfortunately have Tramell to use as an example of this when trying to get my point across. Hard work builds character, and gives people a greater sense of satisfaction when a goal is reached the right way.

I talk to them the importance of education and knowledge. Those two things are the foundation for their future. I tell them it is just as important to absorb the things they are taught as it is to get good grades. An education coupled with a strong knowledge base provides more options and opportunities for an individual. Those things are what help people achieve their dreams.

I talk to them about sex. I tell them it is ok to wait. I always use myself as an example. Koi knows I love him with all my heart, but having him at such a young age limited my college opportunities. My mom still has a box full of letters from colleges all over the country who showed an interest in me joining their respective football programs. The kids get a kick out of looking at where I possibly could have gone. Having a child changed all that. I also make sure they understand that if they do experiment, that they should protect themselves by wearing a condom. The feeling you get from having sex is not worth carrying around a disease for the rest of your life.

I encourage them to be leaders, not followers. There are going to be situations where they are going to have to make tough decisions. I just have to make sure when those times come, they are ready to make the right choice. They can't worry about what the crowd is doing. When they are asked to sell drugs, rob someone, or smoke weed, they have to understand no matter how strong the peer pressure is, that it is ok to say no.

So every time I get my son, I know he will ask for Tajon and Khalfani to come. I know that they will be hungry, and I know I will have to readjust my monthly budget to feed all them. I know that they are going to be loud, and I know they are going to make a mess. Despite all of that, I have to take them. It is my turn to be James Kostic, Kenny Kostic, Jasper Drummond, and Peter Dixon. It is my turn to be a father figure to the kids of the community. Tajon and Khalfani are good kids. Two good kids who happen to be in two tough situations. There are all kind of negative influences around them, so it is important they can get away and experience something positive every chance they get. It is important that they are talked to about situations in life that they are going to come across. They need the influence of a positive male role model who has been through the same things they will go through. If they stay around the way, it is only a matter of time before the influence and allure of the fast life will manipulate and eventually get the best of them.

I can't let that happen.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Ace...

In a lot of my writing, you have read the name Shannon. Well his birthday just passed, so I feel like now would be a good time to say a few words about the man.

I met Shannon on the basketball court at the YMCA. I was in the 7Th grade. He was this funny looking kid with an afro, wearing this big purple champion sweatshirt. He was shooting 3 pointers for money with another kid on credit, and he had the kid down a couple hundred-thousand dollars. Shannon was banking in 3 pointers, laughing and joking while the amount kept going up. From that very moment, I knew I was going to like him.

That same night, I slept over my friends house. It just so happens that Shannon was spending the night there too, as the guest of my friends older brother. My friends brother was only like a year or two older, so we all would end up hanging out. We had a lot of fun. From that night on, me and Shannon began chilling at that house every single day. We would gamble, watch TV, and go play basketball together. We became tight.

After a while, me and Shannon started doing our own thing. It got to the point where we didn't go to the brothers house much at all anymore. Around that same time, we started chilling with these two other kids, Josh and Tramell.

Throughout our high school years, Me, Shannon, Josh, and Tramell would do everything together. If you saw one of us, chances are the rest of us wouldn't be too far behind. We would play basketball, steal bikes, gamble, get girls, and do every other thing you can possibly imagine together. From early morning to late at night every single day, we would all be together. We were a crew. Those were some of the best experiences of my life, which I will go into full detail about another time.

After high school, it was more of the same. Even though I went to college 45 minutes away, I would often come home and hang with the crew. We started Coming of Age, a summer league basketball team that would compete in all of the local tournaments. Shannon was a key player on the squad, as well as the general manager. We still gambled around the way, but we also stepped it up and started taking trips to Atlantic City. Shannon would always be driving with his head back and mouth open, but swear he wasn't falling asleep. You was sleep Shan. The girls were still around, but now instead of just being with us, they wanted to take care of us. Kim was always ready to climb a mountain, or swim across an ocean for Shannon.

Me and Shannon would eventually end up moving in together. During that time, things became a little different with Josh and Tramell. Josh had a little drug business going, and Tramell had all kinds of trouble surrounding him. I mean we still played ball together, I still loved them and still would do anything for them, but in certain situations I had to keep my distance. I wasn't trying to get caught up in anything that would get me in trouble. Shannon kind of felt the same way.

After living with Shannon for 3 years, I ended up moving out so I could live with my girl. He would eventually do the same. Josh and Tramell were still living the fast life, which would eventually lead to their downfall. Tramell had to deal with the whole bank robbery situation, and we all know how that ended up. Even though Josh wasn't robbing banks, he was hit with an accessory after the fact charge, in which he is doing time for now.

So now with our two best friends in jail, it's just me and Shannon. We still play basketball and go out once in a while, but not nearly as much as we used to. We are older, we both work, and we both have families that take up a lot of our time. No matter what though, I know if I ever need anything he will always be there. When we do go out, we don't drink or dance with women. We just sit and talk. We always ask each other if we could have done anything different to help Tramell and Josh from going down the wrong path. We talk about our relationships, the good times, society, sports, and everything else you can think of. He is the one of the only people I can talk to without ever holding anything back.

Shannon is my best friend. He is my ace. He is a good man, a great father, and I wanted to take this time to let everyone know he is appreciated. Happy Birthday Shan.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Reality...

On Thursday, October 1st 2009 at 12:57PM EST, me, Shannon, and Tramell were all sitting in the same room. We were smiling and laughing like everything was cool. Tramell had jokes like he always does. Me and Shannon hadn't seen Tramell in almost 3 years, but it sure didn't feel like it. For those few moments, it felt like we were chilling on the basketball court in the Salvation Army, or sitting on the porch at the crib on 15th st. That feeling wouldn't last long though. The court clerk came in and told everyone to rise, and it was back to reality. We weren't on the porch, or on the basketball court anymore. We were now sitting in courtroom 3b at the Philadelphia Federal Courthouse. We were at the sentencing hearing for Tramell's bank robbery conviction.

The whole situation didn't even seem real to me. Here is a person who I grew up with, laughed with, and shared so many experiences with, standing in front of a United States federal judge awaiting his fate. All I kept thinking was... "how did it all come to this?" The man that the U.S. Attorney was describing was not the man I knew. Yes he was convicted of a very serious crime, but Tramell was not the animal they made him out to be. I know a man who is selfless, generous, and who has a good heart. I know a man who took care of other peoples kids, and fought other peoples battles. I know a charismatic individual with a great personality that could make anyone laugh. I know a man who could walk into a room filled with all different types of people, and end up bringing everyone together. I know a good man. Every time I see someone and they ask me about Tramell, they always follow my response with their own personal story about him. It is always something funny, or something positive. This man touched everyone he came across.

So witnessing Tramell handcuffed wearing a green jumpsuit, surrounded by U.S. Marshall's was hard for me to see. I looked at Shannon, and I could tell it was hard for him as well. We couldn't show it though, because we had to stay strong in support of our friend. You would think with all of the people Tramell helped in his life, the courtroom would be packed with supporters. The only other people there besides us were his mother and stepfather. Tramell told me a lot of people showed their true colors throughout this whole process. I know that hurt him, but I also know he wanted to put that past him, and continue to move forward with the people that stood by him.

I don't want to go into detail about the hearing itself. It was what is was, and I am just going to let it be. It all ended with the judge sentencing Tramell to 429 months in Federal Prison. Forty-one years. Forty-one years? Murderers, rapists, and child molesters get lighter sentences for what in my opinion are far worse crimes. Not one person was hurt in any of the crimes Tramell was convicted of. Regardless of that, the federal statute for the charges he was convicted of called for a minimum sentence of 32 years. Seems like the judge added another 9 years just for fun. Crazy.

When the sentence was handed down, Tramell looked back at us and said he was good. The U.S. Marshall's then proceeded to take him back to prison. Just as Tramell was about to step out the door he said... "I don't believe in time, I believe in Allah." Even though we have different religious beliefs, I support his decision to adopt a new faith, and I hope that helps him get threw this tough time.

If all else fails, one thing Tramell can always believe in is me. No matter where this next stage in his life takes him, he can always have faith in knowing I will always be there to provide the support he needs. We are friends, and this unfortunate set of circumstances doesn't change a thing. I always tell Tramell that they can lock up your body, but they can't lock up your mind. I hope he can lose himself in thoughts of better days, like us chilling on the basketball court in the Salvation Army, or us sitting on the porch at the crib on 15th St. I will always be there to keep those thoughts fresh in his mind, until they can one day become a reality again.

I love you Tramell. Keep your head up.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Struggle...

Growing up was a struggle.
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When I was a child, there was a period from when I was like 10 until I was like 14 where we didn't have cable in my home. When I turned on the TV, all I saw was a big blue screen. It was embarrassing. I tried to do whatever I could to make sure people didn't find out I didn't have cable. This was one of the reasons I didn't like having my friends come over to my house. In the instances when they did come over, there would already be a movie in the VCR. It would either be House Party, The Program, or Above the Rim, because those were the only movies I had. When my friends would sit down to watch TV, what I would do was press play on the VCR, and THEN I would turn on the TV. So when the TV would come on, the movie would already be playing. I would then say "let's just watch this."

Around that same time is when the TV show "The Simpson's" became popular for kids my age. Well again I didn't have cable, so unless I was at a friends house, I didn't get to watch it. I remember the Simpson's would air on Sunday nights, and every Monday morning at school that episode would be the hot topic of discussion. So on the playground before school, the kids would all be gathered around talking about what happened. I would be there laughing and nodding my head as if I saw the episode too. As the morning went on, I would hear the specifics of the episode over and over again. By the time lunch rolled around, I had heard the description of the episode so many times, that I would end up being the one giving it. I would break it down so good, that nobody would have ever been able to tell that I didn't have cable.

Cable wasn't the only thing I didn't have growing up. As I already mentioned, I didn't really like having people over at my house. Cable was one reason, but another was our water situation. The water in our bathtub wouldn't go down when we took a shower, and our toilet was all messed up. What we did was turn the main line of water in the house off, unless we were taking a shower or we had to go to the bathroom. When we took a shower, the water would fill up in the tub. So we only had a few minutes to wash up before the water was up to our knees. To get the water out, we had to fill a bucket up with water, and one by one dump the water down the toilet until the tub was empty. I hated doing that, especially at 7am before school.

If I had a friend over and they had to go to the bathroom, while they would be walking upstairs, I would be running downstairs to turn the water on. While they would be doing their thing, I would be waiting right outside the door for them to finish. Reason being is that if you flushed the toilet and waited too long, the toilet would overflow. What you had to do was lift off the back of the toilet and take out this ball so the the water could pass through it. There would be times where someone would go to the bathroom, flush the toilet, then take their time washing their hands and looking in the mirror. After all of the that time passed, the toilet would inevitably overflow. They would be like, "yo your toilet is overflowing." I would be right in the hallway acting like I didn't know what was going on, but in the back of my mind I'm telling myself, "of course it is overflowing, you took too long!" Embarrassing.
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As I mentioned in previous instances before, food was always an issue growing up. I used to eat liver and lima beans. Liver is so nasty, but it was either eat liver, or don't eat anything at all. We didn't have much money, so liver was one of the only things my mom could afford. Before I used to take a bite , I would hold my breathe so I wouldn't have to taste it(I would still be able to taste it a little bit though). There would be all kinds of meals my mom would "manufacture" just so we wouldn't be hungry. I used to eat spam, corned beef, eggs, and anything else that was cheap for dinner. Somehow, someway, my mom could make 25 dollars in food keep us fed for a whole week.
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When the little food we had was almost gone, we had to really get creative. I would go to kitchen every couple of minutes, open up the refrigerator and all of the cabinets, just to see if there was something I may have overlooked in my previous searches for food. When I realized nothing was going to magically appear, I used to make mayonnaise sandwiches, bread with just the spices from the cabinet, and my favorite made up snack... pineapple-cheese bread. We would get food from the food bank, and in some instances the food we were given would include pineapples. Me and my mom had the idea of putting cheese on a piece of toast, and then putting a slice of pineapple on it. That creation turned out to be a delicacy in our home.
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We hardly ever went out to eat. The only times I went to McDonald's were the times my grandfather would take me, and those times were few and far between. We did go to the dinners at the food bank though. I remember a couple days before Christmas on December 18Th 1993(I will NEVER forget that day), me and my mother went to this food bank dinner that was in the basement of a church. Before everyone ate, they had a prayer that they did. During the prayer, they asked if anyone wanted to accept GOD, or something along those lines. Well me and my mother already had our eyes closed and our heads down, and we thought that raising our hands is what everyone else was doing. We thought it was kind of like a prerequisite we had to complete before eating. Well as it turns out, we were the only people with our hands up. So they made us stand up in front of everyone, put our hands on the bible, and repeat a few words that they spoke. They hugged us, everyone clapped, and they gave us two little wooden crosses to commemorate the moment. As embarrassing as that moment was, the meal we ate afterward made it all worth while.
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Growing up, I definitely wasn't the fly kid on the block. I used to have two pair of Lee jeans (one black, one blue), a pair of khaki's, and a bunch tee-shirts. I had a few of those 3 for $10 dollar t-shirts with those gangster guys on them. If you grew up in the 90's, you know what I'm talking about. Ironically, I also had a few Bart Simpson tee-shirts too. Sprinkle in a few items from the second hand shop, and that was my wardrobe. In 7th grade, I was around the same height as my mom. She had this one pair of jeans that I kind of liked. They were Bill Blass womens jeans. I didn't care though, I felt like if I rocked them nobody would notice. My mom used to leave for work before I left for school. When she was gone, I would find those jeans and wear them. I used to have to wear a long t-shirt with them though, because they had Bill Blass written on the edge of the pocket. Nobody ever knew.
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My sneakers were always beat. Around that time, Air Jordan's were the sneakers every young kid wanted. No matter how bad my mother wanted to get me a pair, she couldn't afford them. I can't even front I used to envy the kids at school who had the new Jordan's. I remember my homeboy Sheldon came to school rocking the Carmine 6's, and I couldn't take my eyes off of them things. They were mean. I had some Magic Johnson Converse, some Patrick Ewing Adidas, or whatever else was on sale and under 30 dollars at the time. I used to try to tell myself those players were good and my shoes were cool, but I was lying to myself and I knew it.
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Then there were my haircuts. Haircuts at the barbershop cost money. Jasper used to give me these messed up bowl cuts for free. He eventually gave me a pair of clippers, and I started to cut my own hair. I used to put these crazy parts in my head, make myself bleed, and just give myself overall bad haircuts. If I would mess up my hair too bad, I would just cut it all off and try again when it grew back.
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My mom used to always tell me that even though we struggled, if we stayed positive and worked to better our situation, that we would see progress. She told me there is no easy way out. Getting money by selling drugs, or any other illegal means would eventually catch up with you. The easy way isn't always the best way. As always, my mother was right. After years of trying, she found a better paying job, and things eventually improved. We got our toilet fixed. We got the tub fixed. We got cable. We still had mayonnaise on our sandwiches, but now it would be accompanied by meat. She got me some decent clothes, and when I was in 12th grade she even got me my first pair of Air Jordan's. We were seeing progress.
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When I really think back on it though, things weren't really all that bad to begin with. I mean even though we struggled, we made it through with what we had. Sure I didn't have cable, but did I really need cable? Not having cable was actually more beneficial to me than having cable. It forced me to go outside, play sports, and interact with others. Sure our water leaked and that was a problem, but at least we had water. The tub never fell through the ceiling like we thought it would. Our water got hot, our toilet flushed, and the water eventually went down. I mean yea we had to do a little extra to make it work, but we made it work. Yes the taste of liver was nasty. Yes it was embarrassing carrying food home in boxes, and embarrassing eating holiday meals next to homeless people. I always had a meal though. So what if I didn't have the newest shoes, or the newest clothes. The clothing I had may have not been cool, and may not have met the standards of our materialistic society, but at least I had clothes. I was always warm in the winter. And so what if I had bad haircuts. After a few years, I became really good at cutting hair. So good in fact, that I still cut my own hair to this day.
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When I talk about my struggles, it is not because I want pity. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I talk about them because they make me laugh. They make me proud. I talk about these things because it may give someone who is going though a struggle a little hope. There was a time in my life when I was so ashamed to admit some of the things I have been through. Now that I am an adult and lived through those struggles, I realize that I wouldn't have wanted to grow up any other way. Those struggles made me who I am today. Those struggles made me strong. They humbled me. They conditioned me to be mentally tough. They help me appreciate the little things most people take for granted. Those struggles are the reasons I volunteer my time. They are the reasons I give my old clothes to the Salvation Army. I know how much it helps, because I come from the other side of that struggle. I feel like no matter what struggles I may encounter in my life today, I can overcome them. I feel like I can't be broken.
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The great African American abolitionist Fredrick Douglass once said... "there is no progress without struggle. " Now that I think about it, my mom kind of said the exact same thing. They were both absolutely right. Thanks guys.
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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

The Program...

Not many people understand what it takes to run a high school basketball program, especially at an inner city school. I wanted to take this opportunity to give some insight on what it is really like.

From the outside looking in, it seems easy. It seems like all you have to do is get the kids in shape, teach them some plays, and watch them perform on gameday. In reality, it is so much more than that. There are so many different situations that have to be dealt with, even before the kids step on the court. A lot of these kids come from low income, single parent households. A lot of these kids come with baggage. When these kids become a part of the program, you not only become their coach, but you become their counselor, mentor, academic advisor, and father figure. They really become your kids.

In my 3 years on the staff, we have dealt with all kinds of situations. Babysitting is always a big issue. In one instance, we had a kid who had the responsibility of watching his little brothers and sisters as a 10Th grader. His mom worked a middle shift, just so the family could remain poor. Yea... remain poor. There was no dad in the house, so it was on him to watch them, feed them, and make sure all of their homework was done. He was a good kid who was very soft spoken, and a very hard worker on the basketball court. He never took for granted the opportunity to be a part of a high school program, and it showed in the effort and energy he played with. He loved it. He was the type of player and the type of kid every coach would want on their team. Well one day I get a phone call, saying he was caught in school with multiple bags of weed. It's sad because I know he was a good kid, who was kind of forced into that situation. He felt like it was his responsibility to provide for his little brothers and sisters, by any means necessary. He ended up being off the team, out of school, and in the juvenile detention. So it was left to us as coaches to try explain the situation to the rest of the kids, as well as to try educate them on the consequences of drugs and drug dealing.

That situation is one of many that I have had to deal with as a coach. We had a kid who ran away from a group home(he was later found and returned to the team). We had a kid who was forced to live in a shelter, because his mother was dealing with domestic abuse issues with her live in boyfriend. We had a kid who was released from prison, who needed permission from his probation officer to practice at certain times(he also had to wear an ankle bracelet). The issues go on... and on... and on... and on and on. Every day before practice, we have a meeting in the coaches room to discuss the practice plan for that evening. Most of the time in those meetings usually ends up being spent talking about what issues occurred in school that day, or about a situation a kid is dealing with in their personal life. There is always something.

It takes a resilient group of men to be able to handle all of these situations. Doug Snyder, Bob Freed, Mark Smurda, Mike Kaminski, and Dan Freed are just that. They are a great group of men who take on every challenge they are faced with. The salary they are paid doesn't even come close to justifying the time and sacrifice they put in when it comes to the program. When we have morning games on weekends, coaches spend their own money to get the kids breakfast bars and juice, because they know in most cases there is no food in the home. At summer league tournaments, there is always an abundance of hot dogs and drinks for the kids to enjoy. Every night after practice coaches leave with a car full of kids who have no rides home. On multiple occasions, coach Snyder(head coach) paid for all of the kids to attend college basketball games in which one of the former players from the program was playing. (He took them to see Darnell and Ray, both of which I spoke of previously). The staff participates in numerous fundraising activities to raise money for the kids to go to camps that they wouldn't have otherwise been able to afford. Anytime a kid needs anything, the staff is always there to help. That goes for every kid. The star of the varsity gets the same treatment as the worst kid on the freshman team. They will do anything to give every kid the opportunity to be successful. Not just successful when it comes to the game of basketball, but successful in life as well.

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The work doesn't stop when a kid graduates either. Coaches take former players on college visits, job interviews, and in a few instances have helped them get jobs within the school system. Just about a week ago coach Snyder actually drove one of the kids to his college campus for the move in process, because that child's parents were unavailable. The job never ends.

After all of the distractions are settled, the coaches always put a good team out on the court. Year after year the team is one of the best in the area. Whenever the coaches are questioned about the success of the team, or the success of an individual player, they give the kids all of the credit. They never mention the struggle and adversity they have to deal with on a day to day basis. It is all about the kids and the program, and not the coach. I love that. Coach Snyder has been offered jobs for him and his staff at other schools, but he always turns them down. Even though these schools have wonderful facilities and no economic issues, he stays loyal to his kids and his program. He finds it more rewarding to help our kids, which are the kids who need it the most. Not just to help them become better basketball players, but to help them become better young men.

I am honored to be a part of the program. I have picked up so much in the 3 years I have been on the staff. I learned a lot when it comes to coaching, but I also learned how to deal with multiple personalities and situations. When you see a child benefit from your influence, it makes all of the hard work and sacrifice worth while. The experience has been an invaluable one, and I look forward to being a part of the program for many years to come.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Winner...

The Vaqueros De Bayamon(Bayamon Cowboys) are are the 2009 champions of Puerto Rico's Baloncesto Superior Nacional(BSN) men's professional basketball league. This is the first championship for the franchise since 1996. Coincidentally, this is the first year my friend, and Allentown's own Raymond Barbosa was a member of the team.

Ray is just a flat out winner. In college, he led his UMBC team to the 2008 America East championship(the first in school history), as well as a birth in the NCAA Tournament. In high school, he led his underdog Allen Canaries to the District 11 4A title. The championship game was a 3 overtime classic, in which Allen beat heavily favored Emaus High School, who was led by current NBA player Aaron Gray.

At the high school, collegiate, and professional levels, Ray has achieved nothing but success. Like most instances of success, none of this happened by accident. He has average height and athleticism by professional basketball players standards, but his work ethic and knowledge of the game is off the charts. Nobody and I mean NOBODY works as hard as Ray. On top of that, he is very humble and very soft spoken, characteristics not many athletes of his stature can say they possess.

I am 4 years older than Ray(we have the same birthday... October 26th). I remember Ray when he was still Ray-Ray, a little kid with goggles, shooting rainbow 3 pointers at the Boy's Club. As he got older, me and the people I played basketball with (Shannon, Tramell, Shahad, Keith,Toomey) took him under our wing, and put him on our summer league teams. We all would also take part in some very competitive 2 on 2 games. We were tough on him. He also got the opportunity to hear about the mistakes we made while in college, which would prepare him when it was his turn to go. It feels good to know that those experiences kind of had a hand in Ray's development.

I remember a conversation I had with Ray before he left to go play in Puerto Rico. We were in the Allen gym, and we just got done playing 2 on 2 with some of the kids. While looking at a basketball he was holding he said, "it's amazing where this thing can take you." A few months later while I was in PR, sitting in his beachfront condo over-looking the Atlantic Ocean, I thought back to that comment and laughed. Boy was he right.

I am very happy for him. He is the perfect example of where hard work, dedication, and humility can take a person. All of these great things couldn't have happened to a more deserving person. I just wanted to make sure I personally gave him some recognition.

Keep doing your thing Ray... keep winning.

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Happy Birthday Koi...

We celebrated my son's birthday on August 1st. He turned 12. We got him an xBox 360, and took him to Old Country Buffet(That's where he wanted to go).

I was 16 years old when he was born. It was the summer of 12th grade. I had NO IDEA what I was getting into. It was a constant struggle, but with the help of a lot good people, we got through it. Me and his mother aren't together, but our relationship is civil, which is great for the situation.

Koi is so cool. He is a very good athlete, but more importantly he is a good kid. Last football season he did very well, but it was his off the field conduct that impressed me the most. He was very humble. He never gets too high or too low, no matter the situation. Nothing phases Koi and I love that about him. He can accomplish anything he puts his mind to, and I will always be there to make sure he stays on course. Koi is everything I ever wanted to be, and I am just so proud to be his father. Happy Birthday Koi.

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Decisions... decisions...

I have a dilemma.

As I mentioned before, I am an assistant high school basketball coach. I have been for the past 3 years. I was recently made aware that the active head freshman coach on our staff may be leaving to accept a position at the collegiate level. I was also made aware that if I wanted the freshman job, it was mine.

This is an excellent opportunity. Our school is the premiere basketball program in our area with a long and storied history. I am honored just to be part of the staff. Currently I am an assistant on the jv and varsity teams. My voice is heard, but if I were the head freshman coach, I would be the voice. I would be responsible for laying the foundation and fundamentals of the program, all while having total creative control over my own team. I would LOVE that. Another incentive is that I would be getting paid, instead of working on a volunteer basis.

Sounds great right? Well here is the problem. I have a family. I have responsibilities. Nani already doesn't like the fact that I coach. During the season when we have practice, I spend 3+ hours a night (from about 5:30pm to around 9) out of the house. On game days, it is 6+ hours. Being the head freshman coach would require me to be gone even more. That is a lot of time away from home. When I do come home, I have to go right to sleep to be awake for work at 5am. Me and Nani not spending quality time together would really put a strain on our relationship.

My daughter is starting pre-K this year. It is going to be my responsibility to pick her up at 1:30pm every day. Being the head freshman coach, there would be days where I would have to meet my team at 2pm for away games. I could have Nani's grandmother watch her, but do I really want to put that burden on her? Plus I like picking her up. I love seeing my daughters smile, and the excitement on her face when I go get her.

My son is going to be in 7th grade. This is an important stretch in his life, and he needs me. Last year his grades were average, and his behavior was about the same. He really needs my presence to help keep him in line. Sure I could bring him along, but when would he do his homework? When would he study? There will also be times when he has his own basketball games. Am I willing to miss all of those?

So that's where I'm at. I'm torn. I have the opportunity to do something I love... which is mentor kids, be a role model, coach basketball, and be a positive male minority role model in a community that desperately needs it... all while getting paid. If I choose that, I will also be delegating my responsibilities as a parent, and sacrificing valuable time away from the people I love the most. So... what do I do???

Decisions... decisions...

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Happy Birthday Maecee...

On July 20th was my daughters birthday. She just turned 4. On Sunday we had a little birthday party for her, and yesterday we took her to the beach.

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Maecee is my baby. All of the time I hear men talk about how are scared to have a daughter... but they have no idea what they are missing. I have Koi and I love him just as much, but having a daughter it is a different kind of love. She is just so precious, so sweet, so smart, and sooo funny! She is like my best friend, and I am so happy we are so close. We have great conversations and we have a great bond. When I get off of work, there are days where I am physically and mentally exhausted. Despite that, the instant I see her I get this feeling of joy and excitement that comes over me. I may not feel like playing, or drawing, or going to the park, but when I look into her eye's and I realize she has been waiting for this moment all day, I know that I can't let her down. I love her, and I pour my heart and my soul into her. There are times where I just sit back and look at her and say to myself... "wow, that is my baby girl." I am just so lucky to have her, and so proud to be her father. Happy birthday Maecee.

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Other things...

In high school everything I did revolved around sports and girls. Sports, girls, sports, girls. Now as an adult, I feel like while I focused so much on those things, I missed out on other opportunities to do so much more.

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I wish I would have been in the band in high school. I wish I could have played the trumpet or the saxophone. How cool would it have been to be in the band and play the national anthem before a football game, and then go run on the field and be the starting quarterback? I would have loved to do that. I would have loved to do the same thing at basketball games too.

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I wish I would have been in the Student Government. I feel like I would have been a good leader with good ideas, who would have been able to influence others into doing positive things for the greater good. It would have been fun to see how my voice and my leverage could have impacted things.

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I wish I would have written in the school newspaper. I would have had my own little re-occurring column, where I would have addressed numerous topics from a young adolescents point of view. I would been fun to stir up some debates, all while bringing awareness to the paper as a whole.

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I wish I could have done it all. I would have been on the Debate Team, Art Club, Key Club, and everything else. You never know what you will like until you try it, especially at a young age. That's why I encourage my children and the kids I coach to broaden their horizons, and try other things. A lot of the kids I deal with are so concerned with image, just like I was. In the neighborhoods they come from, so much emphasis is put on being the man, looking fly, or being a good athlete. School clubs are considered corny. You are considered a nerd if you pay attention in school and get good grades. I try to use my influence and experiences to show them that it is ok to be different, and it is ok to achieve. There is so much more to life, and I want to make sure they don't miss out on any opportunities to discover other things they may enjoy... kind of like I did. Hopefully my voice is heard.

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Words to live by...

My world it moves so fast today

the past it seems so far away

and life

squeezes so tight that I can't breathe...

And every time I've tried to be

what someone else thought of me

so caught up

I was unable to achieve...

But deep

in my heart

the answer

it was in me...

And I made

up my mind

to define

my own destiny...

The lyrics above are the first verse from the song "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" which is the title track of Lauryn Hill's first album. This is one of those instances where music really had an impact and influence on my everyday life.

This song kind of describes my evolution as a man. Growing up my life moved so fast, and lacked it's own direction. I felt the pressures of society. I felt like a lot of decisions I made were influenced on what was considered important by the by the masses, and not by me. It wasn't that I was a follower or anything, but I just kind of went along with the established status quo of the world. When I finally figured out that my life wasn't about anyone elses idea of happiness or success but my own, I felt free. My life actually became my life.

That's why I am how I am. For the most part, I don't care what people think about me. I don't need to be cool, or to be what someone else wants me to be. I don't need to fulfill anyone elses expectations on what I do with my life, other than my own. I don't have goals of obtaining material things to make me feel accomplished, or goals of obtaining a career with a title to make me feel important. Like the song says, I made up my mind to define my own destiny.

I love my humble life. I love living my life slowly. I just try to take it all in, and enjoy every moment. I love blending in with the crowd. I love my cool little family. Being a great husband and a regular dad make me feel successful. Watching my kids evolve into good people who will make a positive contribution to the world is what makes me feel accomplished. I just love being comfortable enough to live my life on my terms, and not worrying about the pressures and influence of the outside world.

What makes me love this song even more is that Lauryn Hill really lived what she sang. This album won like 8 Grammy awards, but despite that we never heard another album from her again. She had a family, and her heart was no longer in music. She could have easily made another album, and made millions of dollars if she wanted to. Even though she felt pressure from fans and people in the music industry to make more music, she stayed true to herself and she stayed away. She wanted to live her life and raise her family out of the spotlight, and that's exactly what she did. I applaud her for that

So thanks again Lauryn for giving me these wonderful words to live by. I am very grateful.

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Fathers Day...

Fathers Day is this Sunday. Even though I never had a father growing up, I did have a few father figures. I wanted to take the time out to recognize some of these men.
. . .

James Kostic
He is my grandfather. I call him Pop-Pop. He has always been there for me and my mom. He is a cool, quiet man, who seemed like he was always in control, no matter the situation. He is an older man, who is still in good shape for his age. Whenever I had a basketball or football game, he was always there. When I did well my mom would be cheering, but his facial expressions and body language would never change. I still could tell he was proud of me. He just wanted to keep me level headed and humble, and he did. He would give me a "good job kid" and that would be it. He came off like success was expected. I got a lot of my mannerisms and quiet confidence from him.

Kenny Kostic
Uncle Kenny! My uncle Kenny is cool. When I was young, he always would pick me up and take me to the park. We would play basketball, football, baseball, soccer, racquetball, badminton, and every other sport you can think of. He knew my mom didn't have any money, so when he took his kids on vacation, he took me too. He took me to Virginia Beach, Myrtle Beach, and to St. Louis. Kenny loved music, and he would always have all of these tapes with all kinds of House music on them. He would always say, "this is my jam" when he heard a song he liked. Kenny taught me how to live and enjoy life.

Jasper Drummond
Jasper was my next door neighbor growing up. He had a son I hung out with who was my age, so me and Jasper would see each other on a day to day basis. He treated me like a son. He took a lot of the kids in our neighborhood under his wing. He would take us fishing, show us how to fix things, and do all kinds of other regular dad stuff with us. He also had a portable basketball court he used to roll out into the parking lot and let all of us play with. My friends used to joke and say Jasper was my dad, because I never knew mine. Jasper's best characteristic was his dedication, and the love he had for his kids. The relationship with his wife was never the best, but he would always say he could deal with her... as long as he had his children. He would work hard all day, but somehow find the energy and strength to entertain his kids... and me when he got home. He understood the importance of family, and watching him made me understand it was well.

Peter Dixon
Pete was also my neighbor. He moved in when I was like 10 years old. He was an old head... someone who had seen it all and done it all twice. He noticed all of the kids on the block played basketball, so he kind of came around and taught us little things that would help us improve our game. We all became cool. We would sit on his porch for hours, just talking about life. He was a very smart man. He would school us on everything from girls, politics, and everything else you could think of. He was Muslim, but he didn't try to push that on us. He would tell us to not accept things for how they were, but to question things... think outside of the box... and think for ourselves. Pete only lived on our block for about 4 years, but his advice is something I continue to carry with me today.

. . .

I am very thankful to have come across these men. I have met many other great men in my life, but these men specifically have all given me the positive male influence I needed in the absence of my father. I just wanted to make sure they got some special recognition from me. I used their influence to help me in my maturation from a boy to a man, and for that I am forever grateful. Thank you gentlemen.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Mom...

Mothers day is this Sunday, so I wanted to take a moment to talk about my mother.

My mother is a great woman. She is the model of sacrifice, dedication, and hard work. She instilled morals and values in that I still call on to help me get through life. I couldn't have asked for a better influence on my life, and for her I am forever grateful.

Growing up, it was always just me and her. I had no father, and no brothers and sisters. She never got any child support. We got a little assistance through welfare, but that was it. She was a white woman... no money... raising a minority child... all alone. I know it was hard for her, but she never let me see it. She was always optimistic and positive, and I needed that.

Times were hard though. Food was always a problem. We never had enough. We would walk to the IGA on 12th and Walnut and go food shopping every Saturday with like 20-30 dollars. My mom would somehow stretch that out and make it last for the week. My dinners may have consisted of liver and lima beans, but I was always fed.

I have a lot of food stories. I remember there was a time when my mom didn't have any money for food, and she was just sitting on the kitchen floor crying. I was like 12. I had 5 dollars in my pocket. I got the money by selling my free lunch ticket at school. I used that money to gamble... that was my hustle. I would always find something to eat along the way. So while she is there crying, I went to my friends house where some of the older kids gambled. We pitched pennies, rolled dice, and played cards. That must of been my lucky night, because I ended up turning that 5 dollars into $120. I was soooo happy. I will never forget running home down 9th St and through Hess's, excited to tell my mom. When I showed her the money, she gave me a big hug. I was so happy to have been able to help her, because I hated to see her struggle.

When I got a little older and 30 dollars just wasn't enough for both of us to eat, we started to go to the Food Bank. I will never forget there was this one Saturday morning that I DID NOT feel like going. You see I was in 11 grade then, and I was the starting quarterback on the football team. I will never forget that morning, because it was the day after our first game that season. We played Lancaster McCaskey and I had a good game--such a good good that my name was in the headline of the newspaper article written about it(even though they spelled it wrong :-/). Well duty called, and no matter who I thought I was, my mom still made me get up and help her carry food home from the food bank. What made it worse is that when you get food from the Food Bank it doesn't come in bags, it comes in boxes. So here I am... nice big article in the paper that morning mostly written about me... and I'm walking home with this box of food from the food bank. Those were the most embarrassing experiences for me, but also some of the most important. She made me humble, and I needed that.

I could go on... and on... and on... and on... about the lesson's in life she taught me, but I will keep it short for now(I may write a book about it one day though). I am very lucky to have had her in my life. There have been many times in my life when there was a crucial decision to be made, and instead of going down the wrong path, I called on the advice and lessons from my mother. It always ended up being the right decision. There were so many negative influences all around like drugs, guns, and everything else, but no influence was as strong as the influence from my mother. Thanks for everything Mom. I love you. I appreciate you more than you will ever know. If you ever read this, I hope you liked the digital picture frame I got you for mothers day.

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Experience...

I have been an assistant high school basketball coach for the last three years. During that time, I have tried to teach the kids as much as I could about basketball. More importantly, I have tried to teach the kids as much as I could about life.

You see, I was one of these kids. I went to the same school. I came from the same single parent, low-income households as they did. I walked the same streets and had the same experiences. There aren't many male minority role models in our community, so when I was approached about helping out, I was more than happy to accept. I felt it was my responsibility to give back.

Earning the kids respect was no problem. I was young, cool, and I could still play. I also had no problem with the kids opening up to me. In our conversations, I tried to stress the importance of education, being humble, and just being an overall good person. I also tried to convince the kids that sex is something they should wait to do. I understood I was dealing with young 10th graders with uncontrollable sexual curiosity, so I also stressed the importance of wearing a condom if they were going to experiment. I tried to make sure they knew I wasn't saying this to try to deprive them of anything, but that I was just talking from experience.

You see, I had a child when I was 17 years old. I was in 12th grade. I was a good athlete, and I was getting letters and calls from colleges across the country. Having a child limited my options. My life and my choices were no longer just about me. Having a child was the defining factor on where I would eventually go to school. I couldn't go too far away, and leave my responsibilities as a father. In talking to the kids, I always used myself and my experience as an example. And for the most part, it seemed like they got it.

Well about a month ago, I got the news that one of the kids who was graduating this year is expecting a child. The moment that thought processed through my mind, this feeling of disappointment came over me. It wasn't even disappointment in him though... it was disappointment in me. I kind of felt like it was my fault, and I felt like I failed him. Maybe I didn't talk about sex enough with him? Maybe I didn't stress enough the importance of wearing a condom? I just kept asking myself if there was anything I could have said or done differently in our three year relationship that could have prevented this from happening. After I let it sink in, I realized that it wasn't my fault. I realized that I can't save the world. I can just give advice about things I have learned through my experiences, and hopefully some of it will stick.

I recently had a long conversation with the young man, and I tried to again use my experience to help prepare him for what he is about to go through. He said he and the girl aren't on the best of terms right now. I tried to make sure he understands the importance of that relationship, and how he has to do whatever it takes to make it remain civil... even if they don't end up together. This is an emotional time for her, so I made sure he understands he needs to console her, and help her though this. This is not the time to be macho. He has to swallow his pride. He has to go to appointments with her, talk to her, be supportive and positive at all times. He has plans on going to school 4 hours away. I urged him to reconsider, and maybe go to a community college for 2 years. His help will be needed at home. Not only that, but he wants to make sure he builds a strong foundation with the child while the child is young. I tried to explain to him that there are certain moments that he will never be able to get back if he is away. Sacrifices like this are part of becoming a father, and becoming a man. Throughout our whole conversation, he looked me in the eye and it seemed like he was really valuing what I was saying to him.

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This past Sunday, I actually seen him and her together. They were talking, holding hands, and they looked relatively happy together. He looked back at me and he smiled. It was kind of one of those thank you smiles. At that moment I felt good, and I felt like he took something away from our conversation. Hopefully he can continue to use the advice from the things that I have learned through my experiences, to make his experience during these times a positive one.

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Welcome...

This world will never be the same.

My friend Toomey just celebrated the birth of his first child. GraceAnna Elizabeth Anderson was born today at weighing in at 8 pounds 2 ounces, and measuring in at 20 inches. I got kind of emotional(I didn't cry or anything) because it kind of brought me back to when my I had my children. There is an overwhelming feeling of joy and purpose that comes over you when you become a father, so I know how he is feeling right now.

I just wanted to take the time out to congratulate Toomey and Liz on this wonderful day, and their wonderful addition to the world.

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All American...

My friend and Allentown's own Darnell Braswell has been named a 2008-2009 Division III first team All American. Darnell led his DeSales mens's basketball team to a league title, as well as an elite 8 appearance in the DIII tournament, which is a the farthest the school has ever gone. The shooting guard averaged 16.8 ppg and 7.8 rpg, but the numbers were just part of the story. His competitiveness and heart raised the level of play of his teamates to heights they might have not achieved without him.

Darnell is not only a great basketball player, he is an even better young man. He is a hard worker, always positive, and has outstanding character. Being a little older, I was able to see him evolve from a kid dribbling a ball at the bottom of the hill on 12th st, to becoming a key member of one of the best basketball team's in Allen High School's history, and now being named a collegiate All-American. I have also had the opportunity to play with and against him during summer leagues, which is always fun. I just wanted to make this post to recognize this wonderful achievement by a great young man. Darnell is only a junior, so you can expect more great things from him next season.

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A New Day...

So the moment in my life that I never thought was going to happen... happened. I am not going to go into details about what transpired, or give my feelings on the situation. Some things you just have to keep for yourself. All I am going to say is that after 28 years, I finally met my father. It feels good to finally get some closure, and at the same time start a new chapter in my life. I feel relieved more than anything. Here is a photo, only one of two of me and him together.

The rest of my time in San Antonio was cool. My friend Shannon came with me. My sisters are some cool, thorough woman. I really like them. They took me to the Riverwalk, the Alamo, and showed me a really good time. Shannon told me my sisters remind him of me. I seen some similarities in appearance and personality too. It's crazy. I am going to try to make the most of those relationships. Next I have to meet my brothers. I actually met my fathers youngest son who is 3 years old. Yes... 3(three) years old. I gave him a couple dollars. The path of discovering who I am took a positive turn this weekend, and I am thankful for it.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

The man... the myth...

I have had a great life. I have been a lot of places, had a lot of great experiences, and built many long lasting relationships. Despite all of the good that I have been able to experience, there has always been something missing. I never knew who my father was. Well after 28 years, all of that is about to change. In about 24 hours, I am going to be getting on a plane to go meet my biological father.

I never thought this would happen. For me, my father always has been like a mystery… a myth. I mean I knew he had to exist, but I felt it was the question I would never have the answer to. It ranked up there with the mystery of GOD and the assassination of Kennedy. My mother wasn’t exactly open about the situation. She definitely had some hard feelings, because when I would ask her about him, she would always say she didn’t want to talk about it. The times she did give me any information she would say he was a good athlete, but he wasn’t a good man. After that, I was only left with the name on my birth certificate.

So growing up, I was so confused. I was a light skinned black kid with a white mother in a mostly minority neighborhood. It was tough. I mean I was black, but nobody in my family was black. I was even sometimes mistaken for being puerto-rican(I still get that too). All of my knowledge and interaction with black people took place in my community, not in my home. Now don’t get it twisted, my mother and the rest of my white family did a great job raising me. My grandfather is the greatest man I have ever met. My mother instilled morals in me, and was the best example of hard work, sacrifice, and humility anyone could ever ask for. But there was always that other side, that unknown I was missing. When I was a kid in school people used to always ask me what was up with my father. I came up with every story in the book, because I had no idea. I would tell some people he was in jail for selling drugs, or was in a Military prison for shooting someone, or that he died. As I got older I stopped making up stories and just settled on the fact that I never knew.

Not knowing who my father wore on me more and more as I got older. I mean I was married, had two children of my own, but I still didn’t really know who I was or where I really came from. There were times where I would put the thought of not knowing my father in the back of my mind, but there were other times where it would come to the forefront and tear me apart inside. Part of me didn’t even want to know, but the other part of me made me feel like I had to know. I didn’t want to live my whole life and never find out who my father was. What if he would die and I never had the opportunity to speak to him? What if he was already dead? There were so many questions… and no answers. I would again confront my mother and this time she basically told me everything she knew, which wasn’t really all that much. I mean she gave me some possible locations, an age, and left it to me from there.

So I would again struggle with myself back and forth whether I should or shouldn’t try to find my father. I got some valuable encouragement from a few people. They told me I shouldn’t be scared of what I would find, and that I should just do it. For that… I am forever grateful. So one day I just had enough. I sat at my computer and told myself today is the day. It was a Thursday. I would sit at work that day, use my resources and internet savvy, in hopes of trying to find my father. I searched a few people finder sites. There were quite a few people who shared his name. There were some that would list the name, age, location, previous addresses, people who he may be associated with, and there age, all for free. So I found one of a man who lived in San Antonio, TX, and was 48 years old. This matched the information my mother gave me. When I looked at the people who were listed that he could possibly be associated with, there was one who had a very distinct name. So I put that name in Google, and the first thing that came up was a Facebook account. When I clicked on the link, it was the picture of a 26 year old black woman. HMMMmmmm. So what I did was I created a Facebook account, and wrote her this long email telling her my story. I told her about my mom, how she met my father while she was in the army, that they were stationed in Texas, Boston, and every other little piece of information I could think of. So after I sent this email I took a look at the friends this woman had, and there were two other black women who had the same last name as my father. So I said you know what, I am going to send them the same email I sent to the first girl. So I sent it, and after only a few minutes, one of the girls emailed me back. A lot of the information I provided sounded to her like her father. So that whole afternoon we emailed each other back and forth collaborating information, and everything kind of came together. She called her mother that night, she spoke to him, and he confirmed it. I found my father.

All of that happened last March. I went from being an only child, to having 8 brothers and sisters. All of this was so overwhelming to me. I spoke to my father for the first time on that Saturday. I told him I didn’t want him to be my father. I didn’t want any money or any advice. I just wanted to find him and find out who he is because that would help me better understand who I am. His opportunity to actually be my father was long gone. Our conversation was so surreal. I was talking to the man who I wasn’t sure even existed. My conversations with his children were all very interesting. It turns out one time or another he did the same thing to them that he did to me. They understood what I was going through. They talked to me and tried to make me feel comfortable about my situation. I ended up talking to my father 2 or 3 times after the first time, and that was it.

So now I am here. I have to meet him. I just have to get it over with. I have no expectations. Hopefully he won’t try to give me any advice or any sob story about him trying to find me. Two of his children will also be there so it will be cool getting to meet them too. My best friend is going with me to give me some support. I am excited. I am nervous. I am anxious. I just want to get it over with. I need to do this so I can achieve some inner peace. This will be a big step in my relentless pursuit of piece of mind. I don’t know what is going to happen, but we will see. I will keep you updated.

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