Struggle...

Growing up was a struggle.
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When I was a child, there was a period from when I was like 10 until I was like 14 where we didn't have cable in my home. When I turned on the TV, all I saw was a big blue screen. It was embarrassing. I tried to do whatever I could to make sure people didn't find out I didn't have cable. This was one of the reasons I didn't like having my friends come over to my house. In the instances when they did come over, there would already be a movie in the VCR. It would either be House Party, The Program, or Above the Rim, because those were the only movies I had. When my friends would sit down to watch TV, what I would do was press play on the VCR, and THEN I would turn on the TV. So when the TV would come on, the movie would already be playing. I would then say "let's just watch this."

Around that same time is when the TV show "The Simpson's" became popular for kids my age. Well again I didn't have cable, so unless I was at a friends house, I didn't get to watch it. I remember the Simpson's would air on Sunday nights, and every Monday morning at school that episode would be the hot topic of discussion. So on the playground before school, the kids would all be gathered around talking about what happened. I would be there laughing and nodding my head as if I saw the episode too. As the morning went on, I would hear the specifics of the episode over and over again. By the time lunch rolled around, I had heard the description of the episode so many times, that I would end up being the one giving it. I would break it down so good, that nobody would have ever been able to tell that I didn't have cable.

Cable wasn't the only thing I didn't have growing up. As I already mentioned, I didn't really like having people over at my house. Cable was one reason, but another was our water situation. The water in our bathtub wouldn't go down when we took a shower, and our toilet was all messed up. What we did was turn the main line of water in the house off, unless we were taking a shower or we had to go to the bathroom. When we took a shower, the water would fill up in the tub. So we only had a few minutes to wash up before the water was up to our knees. To get the water out, we had to fill a bucket up with water, and one by one dump the water down the toilet until the tub was empty. I hated doing that, especially at 7am before school.

If I had a friend over and they had to go to the bathroom, while they would be walking upstairs, I would be running downstairs to turn the water on. While they would be doing their thing, I would be waiting right outside the door for them to finish. Reason being is that if you flushed the toilet and waited too long, the toilet would overflow. What you had to do was lift off the back of the toilet and take out this ball so the the water could pass through it. There would be times where someone would go to the bathroom, flush the toilet, then take their time washing their hands and looking in the mirror. After all of the that time passed, the toilet would inevitably overflow. They would be like, "yo your toilet is overflowing." I would be right in the hallway acting like I didn't know what was going on, but in the back of my mind I'm telling myself, "of course it is overflowing, you took too long!" Embarrassing.
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As I mentioned in previous instances before, food was always an issue growing up. I used to eat liver and lima beans. Liver is so nasty, but it was either eat liver, or don't eat anything at all. We didn't have much money, so liver was one of the only things my mom could afford. Before I used to take a bite , I would hold my breathe so I wouldn't have to taste it(I would still be able to taste it a little bit though). There would be all kinds of meals my mom would "manufacture" just so we wouldn't be hungry. I used to eat spam, corned beef, eggs, and anything else that was cheap for dinner. Somehow, someway, my mom could make 25 dollars in food keep us fed for a whole week.
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When the little food we had was almost gone, we had to really get creative. I would go to kitchen every couple of minutes, open up the refrigerator and all of the cabinets, just to see if there was something I may have overlooked in my previous searches for food. When I realized nothing was going to magically appear, I used to make mayonnaise sandwiches, bread with just the spices from the cabinet, and my favorite made up snack... pineapple-cheese bread. We would get food from the food bank, and in some instances the food we were given would include pineapples. Me and my mom had the idea of putting cheese on a piece of toast, and then putting a slice of pineapple on it. That creation turned out to be a delicacy in our home.
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We hardly ever went out to eat. The only times I went to McDonald's were the times my grandfather would take me, and those times were few and far between. We did go to the dinners at the food bank though. I remember a couple days before Christmas on December 18Th 1993(I will NEVER forget that day), me and my mother went to this food bank dinner that was in the basement of a church. Before everyone ate, they had a prayer that they did. During the prayer, they asked if anyone wanted to accept GOD, or something along those lines. Well me and my mother already had our eyes closed and our heads down, and we thought that raising our hands is what everyone else was doing. We thought it was kind of like a prerequisite we had to complete before eating. Well as it turns out, we were the only people with our hands up. So they made us stand up in front of everyone, put our hands on the bible, and repeat a few words that they spoke. They hugged us, everyone clapped, and they gave us two little wooden crosses to commemorate the moment. As embarrassing as that moment was, the meal we ate afterward made it all worth while.
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Growing up, I definitely wasn't the fly kid on the block. I used to have two pair of Lee jeans (one black, one blue), a pair of khaki's, and a bunch tee-shirts. I had a few of those 3 for $10 dollar t-shirts with those gangster guys on them. If you grew up in the 90's, you know what I'm talking about. Ironically, I also had a few Bart Simpson tee-shirts too. Sprinkle in a few items from the second hand shop, and that was my wardrobe. In 7th grade, I was around the same height as my mom. She had this one pair of jeans that I kind of liked. They were Bill Blass womens jeans. I didn't care though, I felt like if I rocked them nobody would notice. My mom used to leave for work before I left for school. When she was gone, I would find those jeans and wear them. I used to have to wear a long t-shirt with them though, because they had Bill Blass written on the edge of the pocket. Nobody ever knew.
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My sneakers were always beat. Around that time, Air Jordan's were the sneakers every young kid wanted. No matter how bad my mother wanted to get me a pair, she couldn't afford them. I can't even front I used to envy the kids at school who had the new Jordan's. I remember my homeboy Sheldon came to school rocking the Carmine 6's, and I couldn't take my eyes off of them things. They were mean. I had some Magic Johnson Converse, some Patrick Ewing Adidas, or whatever else was on sale and under 30 dollars at the time. I used to try to tell myself those players were good and my shoes were cool, but I was lying to myself and I knew it.
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Then there were my haircuts. Haircuts at the barbershop cost money. Jasper used to give me these messed up bowl cuts for free. He eventually gave me a pair of clippers, and I started to cut my own hair. I used to put these crazy parts in my head, make myself bleed, and just give myself overall bad haircuts. If I would mess up my hair too bad, I would just cut it all off and try again when it grew back.
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My mom used to always tell me that even though we struggled, if we stayed positive and worked to better our situation, that we would see progress. She told me there is no easy way out. Getting money by selling drugs, or any other illegal means would eventually catch up with you. The easy way isn't always the best way. As always, my mother was right. After years of trying, she found a better paying job, and things eventually improved. We got our toilet fixed. We got the tub fixed. We got cable. We still had mayonnaise on our sandwiches, but now it would be accompanied by meat. She got me some decent clothes, and when I was in 12th grade she even got me my first pair of Air Jordan's. We were seeing progress.
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When I really think back on it though, things weren't really all that bad to begin with. I mean even though we struggled, we made it through with what we had. Sure I didn't have cable, but did I really need cable? Not having cable was actually more beneficial to me than having cable. It forced me to go outside, play sports, and interact with others. Sure our water leaked and that was a problem, but at least we had water. The tub never fell through the ceiling like we thought it would. Our water got hot, our toilet flushed, and the water eventually went down. I mean yea we had to do a little extra to make it work, but we made it work. Yes the taste of liver was nasty. Yes it was embarrassing carrying food home in boxes, and embarrassing eating holiday meals next to homeless people. I always had a meal though. So what if I didn't have the newest shoes, or the newest clothes. The clothing I had may have not been cool, and may not have met the standards of our materialistic society, but at least I had clothes. I was always warm in the winter. And so what if I had bad haircuts. After a few years, I became really good at cutting hair. So good in fact, that I still cut my own hair to this day.
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When I talk about my struggles, it is not because I want pity. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I talk about them because they make me laugh. They make me proud. I talk about these things because it may give someone who is going though a struggle a little hope. There was a time in my life when I was so ashamed to admit some of the things I have been through. Now that I am an adult and lived through those struggles, I realize that I wouldn't have wanted to grow up any other way. Those struggles made me who I am today. Those struggles made me strong. They humbled me. They conditioned me to be mentally tough. They help me appreciate the little things most people take for granted. Those struggles are the reasons I volunteer my time. They are the reasons I give my old clothes to the Salvation Army. I know how much it helps, because I come from the other side of that struggle. I feel like no matter what struggles I may encounter in my life today, I can overcome them. I feel like I can't be broken.
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The great African American abolitionist Fredrick Douglass once said... "there is no progress without struggle. " Now that I think about it, my mom kind of said the exact same thing. They were both absolutely right. Thanks guys.
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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...