It's ok...

I went to Olive Garden last night. They had this meat and pasta all you can eat special for 9.99. It was delicious. I had three servings. I ate two of them, but the third ended up being just too much for me. Since I couldn't finish, I decided I would save the rest to take to work.

Earlier today when I went on break, I ate the rest of the food. It tasted just as good as it did last night. It was angel hair pasta, mixed with five cheese marinara sauce and some meatballs. The pasta was still soft and the meatballs were still juicy. I washed it all down with some ice cold water. I was good.

So I go back to my desk, and proceed to browse the internet like I always do. After a couple of minutes, my stomach started rumbling and making noise. I had just finished eating, so I know my stomach wasn't trying to tell me I was hungry. After a few more minutes and a few more rumbles, I realized what was going on. I had to take a shit.

I remained cool. I looked down at the clock, and saw that I had four hours left in my shift. I told myself to be strong, and just wait it out until I got home. I had done it before. I tried to do whatever I could to keep my mind off the the feeling I was feeling. I got back on the internet. It was a slow sports day, and ESPN.com didn't have anything going on. Nothing good on CNN either. Every once in a while I would get that feeling of discomfort in my stomach, and I would have to tighten up my whole body until the feeling went away. I tried to sit in different positions, but no matter how I sat, that feeling would return. Time was going so slow. Each minute that passed felt like an hour. I joined my coworkers conversation thinking that would help, but I remained uneasy. While we were all talking, my stomach rumbled and made a noise. I immediately started beat-boxing, so they wouldn't be able to tell it was my stomach that was making the noise. So embarrassing. At this point I was hot, I was sweating, and I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go and I had to go NOW. I stood up, looked at my phone like I was getting an important phone call, and walked away as fast as I could.

I didn't go to the closest bathroom, because I didn't want anyone to see me. I ended up going to one that was all the way in the back of the building. I ran in, and I was happy to see that it was empty. I go to one of the stalls, and quickly put some toilet paper on the seat. Even though the janitors keep the bathrooms very clean, there was no way I was going to let my skin touch the seat. I sit down, and this feeling of relief comes over me. I made it.

While I am sitting there taking care of business, somebody walks in. Now I thought this was a bathroom nobody went to, but I guess I was wrong. I just so happened to be wearing some limited edition Kobe Bryant sneakers, which are white, black, and bright yellow. If somebody would see those sneakers, they would know it was me. So as soon as I heard the door open, I put my feet up. Whoever came in just so happened to sit in the stall right next to me. I faked a cough, just to let them know someone was there. They didn't seem to care though, because they sat right down and started doing their thing. They were grunting and making noises like they were in their bathroom at home. Even though I was done, I decided to let them finish before I got up. So here I am sitting uncomfortably in this tight stall with my feet up, sweating, waiting for this other person to finish. Since they were taking their time, I decided that I was going to just make a break for it. So I cleaned myself up, and walked out of the stall to quickly wash my hands. When I started walking, I realized my leg was asleep! I get to the sink and turn on the water, and just kind of stand there because my leg is still numb. By that time I hear a flush, and the person who was sitting next me comes out of the bathroom. I knew the person. It was actually an older gentleman I used to work with. He looks at me and says, "how about those Giant's." We proceed to engage in a little small talk while washing our hands, then he tells me to have a good day and walks out.

All of a sudden everything was alright. I stopped sweating. My leg was no longer numb, and I didn't have that uneasy feeling in my stomach anymore. The gentleman who came in actually made me feel good about the decision I had made. At that moment, it was officially ok to take a shit at work. I have come to the realization that I am human, it is natural, and I shouldn't be embarrassed. Sure work may not be the best most desirable place to take a shit, but you gotta go what you gotta do sometimes.

So I get back to my desk and one of my coworkers says to me... "you ran out of here pretty fast and were gone for a while, is everything alright??? " I looked down at my phone and said, "yeah... long phone call." I know I lied. I was now comfortable enough to take a shit at work, but I still wasn't comfortable enough to admit it.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Stop...

Nigger-- originally a dialectal variant of Negro, the term is a derogatory and vulgar racial slur directed primarily toward black people.

I am no civil rights leader. I'm no black panther, NAACP member, or anything else for that matter. I'm just a regular man. I still feel as a regular man, it is necessary for me to try to remind everyone of the negative meaning of this word, in hopes of having it permanently erased from our vocabulary. I'm not even going to front and act like I don't say it, because I do. I am conscious of it though, and I am trying my best to stop. We all should stop.

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It seems like our generation is so far out of touch with what happened during slavery, the civil rights movement, and almost every other event throughout history that has contributed to the oppression of black people. Black people were bought and sold. Black people were hung in public for looking at white women. Black people had to deal with segregation, police brutality, discrimination, and so many other obstacles, just for the right to be considered EQUAL. Previous generations of black people went through so many years of pain, struggle, and sacrifice... just so our generation would be able to benefit and prosper. And how do we repay them? Our generation took the main racial slur that was used to define the negative perception of black people, and flipped it into a term of endearment. How did we let this happen?

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Things have gotten so bad, that even other races feel comfortable saying the word. Latino's, Asians, and even some white people, use the word freely and with out regard. It is not just adolescents and uneducated people either, but grown professionals--even religious people who are using the word just like it was any other. Some people attempt to justify the use of the word, by justifying the context it is used in. So why are no other racial slurs used in that manner? If I would use the word honky, spick, chink, or any other racial slur in any context, people would look at me like I was crazy. So why is that one ok?

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We have to make a change. We have to. I had a recent conversation with a teacher about this issue. He told me the kids in school are too far gone, and that they use the word casually all of the time. He said it is ingrained in our youth and in their language. Now I know it may seem impossible to reverse this way of thinking, but we have to try. We owe it to past generations who dedicated their lives to granting us the freedoms and equality we have today. The same freedoms and same equality they could only dream of. We have to educate our kids, and at the same time keep reminding ourselves of the history that is behind that word. It won't be easy, but we have to make it stop. We have to.

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Decisions... decisions...

I have a dilemma.

As I mentioned before, I am an assistant high school basketball coach. I have been for the past 3 years. I was recently made aware that the active head freshman coach on our staff may be leaving to accept a position at the collegiate level. I was also made aware that if I wanted the freshman job, it was mine.

This is an excellent opportunity. Our school is the premiere basketball program in our area with a long and storied history. I am honored just to be part of the staff. Currently I am an assistant on the jv and varsity teams. My voice is heard, but if I were the head freshman coach, I would be the voice. I would be responsible for laying the foundation and fundamentals of the program, all while having total creative control over my own team. I would LOVE that. Another incentive is that I would be getting paid, instead of working on a volunteer basis.

Sounds great right? Well here is the problem. I have a family. I have responsibilities. Nani already doesn't like the fact that I coach. During the season when we have practice, I spend 3+ hours a night (from about 5:30pm to around 9) out of the house. On game days, it is 6+ hours. Being the head freshman coach would require me to be gone even more. That is a lot of time away from home. When I do come home, I have to go right to sleep to be awake for work at 5am. Me and Nani not spending quality time together would really put a strain on our relationship.

My daughter is starting pre-K this year. It is going to be my responsibility to pick her up at 1:30pm every day. Being the head freshman coach, there would be days where I would have to meet my team at 2pm for away games. I could have Nani's grandmother watch her, but do I really want to put that burden on her? Plus I like picking her up. I love seeing my daughters smile, and the excitement on her face when I go get her.

My son is going to be in 7th grade. This is an important stretch in his life, and he needs me. Last year his grades were average, and his behavior was about the same. He really needs my presence to help keep him in line. Sure I could bring him along, but when would he do his homework? When would he study? There will also be times when he has his own basketball games. Am I willing to miss all of those?

So that's where I'm at. I'm torn. I have the opportunity to do something I love... which is mentor kids, be a role model, coach basketball, and be a positive male minority role model in a community that desperately needs it... all while getting paid. If I choose that, I will also be delegating my responsibilities as a parent, and sacrificing valuable time away from the people I love the most. So... what do I do???

Decisions... decisions...

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Altercation...

So I got into a little altercation the other day...

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I was playing in my basketball game. I am on defense, and the guy I am guarding is trying to post me up. We are both jockeying for position, and it started to get a little physical. The ball went out of bounds, and play stopped. So I turn to walk away... and all of a sudden I feel an elbow to my shoulder. Now I am usually a calm individual, but at that moment I became angry. Without thinking I just rushed him. I put my forearm and my other hand in his face and pushed him back. As he is falling back he swung at me, and nipped me in my nose. Now my adrenaline is pumping and I am ready to fight, but by that time the referees and other players have come between us.

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So now I am talking loud and reckless, ready for whatever. My teammates came over to me and try to calm me down while the referees sort everything out. A few minutes pass, and the person who I was in the altercation with ends up getting kicked out of the game for throwing a punch, and I just get a technical foul. That makes me feel a little better about the situation, so I'm a little calmer now and I continue to play in the game. After the game is over he gives me a pound, kind of squashing the situation.

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It just makes me mad that the whole ordeal had to happen. I have known this person for many years. I come from the same hood he comes from. We know each others families. I am a laid back person, I have a family, and I try to stay away from altercations and drama at all costs. I think he knew that and he tried to play me on the strength of that, and at the same time tried to big himself up considering there were a lot of people watching the game. I'm not proud of the way I retaliated, but at the same time there are situations where a man has to be a man and you can't just let things like that slide. The situation is over to me, and hopefully nothing like that will ever happen again... especially over basketball.

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Yard...

I am 28 years old, and I have never lived in a home with a yard. I have lived in all kinds of apartments and dorm rooms... some with balconies and some had porches... but never anywhere with a yard. I want a yard. It doesn't have to be big. It doesn't have to have flowers. Just a nice quiet space with green grass is all I need. I just want a place outside where I can sit back and relax, and escape the pressures of the world. Owning a home is out of the question right now, and renting the right house is too expensive. So for right now an apartment it is... with no yard of course. I am going to have a yard one day though. One day...

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Pain...

That's what I feel right now. I am sad. The Allentown Humane Society killed Fiona. In my last post I talked about Fiona scratched Nani, and how Nani took her to the Humane Society. Well me and Nani talked on Saturday night and Sunday morning, and we decided that we would go back to get Fiona, and have her declawed and fixed. I initially did not want to get her declawed. To my understanding getting a cat declawed was cruel and it would change the behavior of the cat. If that was the only way for us to keep her though, I was willing to do it.

So Nani and I agreed to meet at the Humane Society when I got off of work yesterday. Well traffic was bad for me, so she got there first. While on my way I get a phone call from Nani... and she is crying. She proceeds to tell me that they put her to sleep last night. She said that since she was deemed aggressive, they put her down. Now I am pissed. When Nani took her there the day before, she advised the worker that she did not trust her around our 3 year old daughter, and that she would probably be salvageable in another home. She was too aggressive for our home, but maybe not someone elses. She was told that Fiona would have the opportunity to be adopted. Then less then 24 hours later, my cat was dead.

So I finally arrive and Nani is in the car still crying. So I go into the Humane society and start asking questions. The receptionist who acted like she didn't give a DAMN, said that once the owner signs over the rights to the pet, that they can do whatever they want to it. So I asked her what about giving her the opportunity to be adopted??? She said that since they were at capacity, that at the humane societies discretion they can put the cat down if they see fit. So I ask her... why not put another cat down that has already been here for a while and that has had the opportunity to be adopted... instead of a cat that just got here?? Now her head was down and she was already doing something else, so I started to become more angry. She mumbled this bullshit ass answer to me, which I didn't even hear because I was enraged inside. I really wanted to go off on this women due to her lack of compassion and inconsistent information, but I caught myself. I understood it was a no win situation, my cat was already dead, and that would just make the situation worse. So I just left.

I am still so mad. I'm not mad at Nani, I'm just mad at the whole situation. I didn't want to just go to the humane society the same day and get my cat, because I didn't want to just go over Nani's head after she had already made a decision. Plus I felt secure in knowing they weren't going to kill my cat right away. I knew she was acting on emotion, and I knew I could calm her down and maybe change her mind after we talked about it. And I did, but it was too late.

It just makes me sad because Fiona deserved better than that. She deserved another chance. She just wanted to chill and play. I mean she would take a swipe at you if she felt she needed to defend herself, but she was a cat and that's what cats do. She would still let you you pick her up, pet her, and she would still lay with you. It has been two days, and our home already doesn't feel the same. I was so used to her. She was part of our family... and now she is gone. I know time will heal the pain, but it hurts right now. I love you Fiona and I am sorry.

Oh... and FUCK THE ALLENTOWN HUMANE SOCIETY!!!

Ok that's all for now... thank you for vising and stay tuned...

Gone...

My cat Fiona no longer lives with us. Nani tried to pick her up, and the cat scratched her on the forehead. Fiona then proceeded to hiss at her for a while. Nani got mad and ended up taking the cat to the humane society. All this happened while I wasn't home, so I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to her. I feel like the relationship could have worked, but getting their personalities to co-exist wasn't easy. There are times where the cat is going to be a cat, and she is going to get defensive. I understood that and so did Nani, but she didn't care. She always worried about the cat scratching our daughter, and the cat scratching her was the last straw. So now my kitten is in some cage... probably sad and missing home. I miss her too. Damn.

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Experience...

I have been an assistant high school basketball coach for the last three years. During that time, I have tried to teach the kids as much as I could about basketball. More importantly, I have tried to teach the kids as much as I could about life.

You see, I was one of these kids. I went to the same school. I came from the same single parent, low-income households as they did. I walked the same streets and had the same experiences. There aren't many male minority role models in our community, so when I was approached about helping out, I was more than happy to accept. I felt it was my responsibility to give back.

Earning the kids respect was no problem. I was young, cool, and I could still play. I also had no problem with the kids opening up to me. In our conversations, I tried to stress the importance of education, being humble, and just being an overall good person. I also tried to convince the kids that sex is something they should wait to do. I understood I was dealing with young 10th graders with uncontrollable sexual curiosity, so I also stressed the importance of wearing a condom if they were going to experiment. I tried to make sure they knew I wasn't saying this to try to deprive them of anything, but that I was just talking from experience.

You see, I had a child when I was 17 years old. I was in 12th grade. I was a good athlete, and I was getting letters and calls from colleges across the country. Having a child limited my options. My life and my choices were no longer just about me. Having a child was the defining factor on where I would eventually go to school. I couldn't go too far away, and leave my responsibilities as a father. In talking to the kids, I always used myself and my experience as an example. And for the most part, it seemed like they got it.

Well about a month ago, I got the news that one of the kids who was graduating this year is expecting a child. The moment that thought processed through my mind, this feeling of disappointment came over me. It wasn't even disappointment in him though... it was disappointment in me. I kind of felt like it was my fault, and I felt like I failed him. Maybe I didn't talk about sex enough with him? Maybe I didn't stress enough the importance of wearing a condom? I just kept asking myself if there was anything I could have said or done differently in our three year relationship that could have prevented this from happening. After I let it sink in, I realized that it wasn't my fault. I realized that I can't save the world. I can just give advice about things I have learned through my experiences, and hopefully some of it will stick.

I recently had a long conversation with the young man, and I tried to again use my experience to help prepare him for what he is about to go through. He said he and the girl aren't on the best of terms right now. I tried to make sure he understands the importance of that relationship, and how he has to do whatever it takes to make it remain civil... even if they don't end up together. This is an emotional time for her, so I made sure he understands he needs to console her, and help her though this. This is not the time to be macho. He has to swallow his pride. He has to go to appointments with her, talk to her, be supportive and positive at all times. He has plans on going to school 4 hours away. I urged him to reconsider, and maybe go to a community college for 2 years. His help will be needed at home. Not only that, but he wants to make sure he builds a strong foundation with the child while the child is young. I tried to explain to him that there are certain moments that he will never be able to get back if he is away. Sacrifices like this are part of becoming a father, and becoming a man. Throughout our whole conversation, he looked me in the eye and it seemed like he was really valuing what I was saying to him.

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This past Sunday, I actually seen him and her together. They were talking, holding hands, and they looked relatively happy together. He looked back at me and he smiled. It was kind of one of those thank you smiles. At that moment I felt good, and I felt like he took something away from our conversation. Hopefully he can continue to use the advice from the things that I have learned through my experiences, to make his experience during these times a positive one.

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Pictures...

This blog needs some pictures. They say pictures are worth a thousand words, so I will provide a brief description, and let them do the rest of the talking. Some of the pictures are graphic, but I feel they need to been seen. Often times we get so caught up living in our own little bubble, that we become oblivious to everything else that is going on in the world. Ok enough of me talking, here you go...

Wow...

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Undying Love...

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.How can we as people let this happen???

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Is being a hero really worth it?

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Imagine what this man has gone through

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Education

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Too little...

...too late.

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This picture is of a Sudanese child attempting to crawl to a United Nations food camp, while a vulture is waiting for the him to die so he can eat him. The photographer who took this photo later committed suicide due to this and other unbearable things he witnessed.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Popeyes...

To say Popeyes chicken makes me happy is an understatement. Some people say it's just chicken... but I say it is more than that.

Every time I visit this fine establishment, I never go through the drive-thru. I would be cheating myself of the full Popeyes experience if I did. Upon setting foot in the restaurant, there is this feeling of euphoria that comes over me. No matter how hard my day was, or how much stress I am feeling at the time, it all goes away as soon as I enter.

I think it has the same effect on others as well. Complete strangers of all different backgrounds come together while they are in Popeyes. People who wouldn't have otherwise interacted, are engaging in conversation, smiling, even giving hi-fives and hugging, all while waiting for some chicken. There has to be some sort of ingredient they put in there food that brings out sheer joy in people.

Despite the great atmosphere inside Popeyes, I always take my food home. I have to eat in calm, controlled environment. It helps me fully enjoy the moment. I keep the TV off, put my phone on silent, and just sit piece and try to take it all in. I also have to make sure I set aside about an hour after I am done eating for a nap.

The food is just soooo good. The chicken is so tender, the skin is always fried to perfection, and the right amount of grease is always applied. I don't even need napkins. I refuse to waste any of the grease, so I just lick it off my fingers. The mashed potatoes are always so warm, so buttery, and so are the biscuits. The gravy is the perfect compliment to both. The french fries are perfectly seasoned, perfectly crisp. A glass of any calorie packed beverage makes the meal complete. Some may think this kind of meal isn't good for your health, but I couldn't care less. Sometimes you just have to live.

I really didn't want to write this much about Popeyes, but it just shows how strongly I feel about them. So the next time you get hungry and aren't sure what to eat, go to Popeyes. You will not be disappointed. You may want to go to Popeyes, even when you aren't hungry. Maybe you are having a bad day... you are arguing with your girl... or you are just bored. Stop by Popeyes, and I guarantee it will make you feel better.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Just me...

I have no support system. I have nobody to talk to, nobody to confide in. There is nobody to go to when I want to vent, or when I need help with my problems. So what do I do??? I just talk to myself...

You know my story. I'm not close to anyone. The situation with not knowing my father, and how I held a grudge against my mother for it. Not growing up with any brothers or sisters, and not having any other family I could talk to. I have a lot of acquaintances, but only 3 real friends. Two of them are in prison. When me and the other friend speak, he does most of the talking, and it usually about sports. We do have other conversations about life, but not my life, and not my issues specifically.

So here I am, same as it has always been. It's just me. I'm just a man, trying to figure out things all on my own... all as I go. I can count the amount of people I have truly opened up to on my thumbs, and those relationships are all but over. I just don't feel comfortable with just anyone knowing my thoughts and problems. So if I handle a situation poorly, or make a bad decision, I apologize. I am trying... but I am a work in progress. Through it all please remember... it's just me.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Wow...

Try to digest this for a second...

Astronomy and space have always been fascinating to me. I have soooo many questions. I have come to realize that I will probably not get any answers in my lifetime, and that's ok. But I wonder...

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Progress vs. Profit

About a month ago I made a post entitled People, technology, and the quality of life. It focused on the technologies in life that made things easier, but at the same time also made us miss out on experiences and benefits I felt were necessary in making a well rounded individual. This post is the flip side to that.

The human race is very smart. The human race is also very greedy. When it comes to certain industries in the United States and around the world, what is their real motivation? Developing the best possible product for the benefit of man, or… money?

When pharmaceutical companies develop medicine, is there ultimate goal to cure people? Cure diseases? Or is it to help people stay alive long enough to be able to buy more medicine? When was the last time we cured anything anyway?

Do we really need gas? I don't think we do. I am sure that there is some technology out there man has discovered that make's our cars run without it. Will that technology ever be released? Sure it will. As soon as man has made as much money as possible, and all of our natural resources are gone, all of a sudden some miraculous new technology will be "discovered".

Why when I buy any type of electronic device, without fail, 6 months later something more advanced will come out? Did they not know about this advanced feature that I have to have to have six months ago? Or did they want me to buy the latest and greatest then… and now?

I could go on and on but you get the point. It just pains me that we as people would rather hold back intentionally for profit, then to use all of our resources and intelligence to go all out for progress. Does anyone do anything for the greater good anymore, or is everything we do about money? Sadly enough… I think I know the answer. Damn.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

People, technology, and the quality of life...

The quality of life isn’t what it used to be. People aren’t what they used to be. People aren’t as well rounded as they used to be… or should I say as they used to HAVE to be. I love technology, and while I feel like there are many obvious benefits in the advancement in technology, there are also many not so obvious drawbacks. Technology has made people lazy. Some of the ways technology is used has kind of taken away from the "authenticity" of life. If a lot of technologies just suddenly disappeared, a lot of people wouldn’t know how to survive. They wouldn’t know what to do. Try to understand what I am trying to say...

When there was no TV, man had to do be creative in what they did to occupy there time. More time was spent reading, in conversation, and participating in activities. This time made people’s relationships better, got people more educated, kept people in better shape, and created an overall more thorough human being. Now people spend hours on end sitting in front of this tube, watching this fantasy world to entertain themselves. Think of all of the things we lose out on by doing this. I am not even going to go into how we are manipulated by news networks. That is an entire different topic for a different time. Think about how many people you know who sit there toddlers in front of the TV all day, instead of reading to them, drawing with them, or just talking to them??? How many kids do you know who would rather sit in there room and play video games on a bright sunny day, instead of going outside to play a sport, or just play with other kids??? When did this become acceptable??

People don't even have to know how to cook anymore. There is a fast food restaurant five minutes away from wherever you are reading this from. With the advancement of the internet, you might even be reading this in a restaurant. With this fast paced world being what it is, who has time to cook? Now with every other piece of advancing technology, this can be good in moderation. Leave it to the people of our generation to take advantage of this convenience and just stop cooking all together. And no... TV dinners and pre-made oven pizza doesn't count as cooking.

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Dating has even changed. On social networking sites such as Facebook and Myspace, you don't even need to leave home to meet people. You create your own profile which consists of putting up personal pictures, adding your likes and dislikes, and pretty much giving a full description of yourself. Now this can be good, because it may give people the opportunity to meet who may have not have met otherwise, but there is just something about seeing someone in person, knowing absolutely nothing about them, and having the courage to introduce yourself and start a conversation. With this new way of "meeting" people, you can actually mold yourself into being compatible with someone by viewing and adjusting your personality to coincide with that persons self described profile. I don't totally knock it, but the whole idea does seem kind of weird to me.

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Remember those ice-breaking phone conversations after meeting someone of the opposite sex? Nah... we don't need those anymore. We have text messaging for that! Remember the feeling of dialing every digit except the last one of a girls phone number, then hanging up the phone because you were nervous knowing you were actually going to be speaking to her? Now with text messaging, you can have a whole conversation, ask all of those tough questions, all without actually having to speak to the person! Again, I think there is something wrong with that.

Now I will be the first to admit, in some way, shape, or form I am guilty of some of these things. I have become conscious of my actions, and I am trying to better myself. I want to be a well rounded human being. The easy way isn't always the best way. I think we all need to raise the status quo up. I am going to start with myself.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

My reflection...

I have had a lot of downtime at work lately. When I get tired of browsing the Internet, I just sit in silence and think. I stare at something, but what I am looking at is not what I see. I just zone out and think about any and everything. I love to just sit and reflect. This post has no direction or purpose, I am just kind of reflecting out loud.

I leave work at 6:30am, and every day while I am taking my time driving home, I see the rest of the world speeding to work. It feels good not being a part of that. Dawn is the most beautiful time of the day. Sometimes when I get home from work I don't even get out of my car right away. I just sit there. I just like being outside at dawn. It is very refreshing.

I love my family, but I also love waking up alone in complete silence. Sometimes I wake up and lay in my bed, looking at the ceiling for like five minutes just thinking about nothing. I also like waking up and going to sit in my living room to look at the pictures on my mantle. I know I can't sit there long because the responsibilities of the day await, but those quiet moments alone are precious to me. I need those moments.

I like going to the gym and listening to music. I listen to the music, I will sing along with the music in my head, but I don't actually listen to the music. I just think. I hope this is making sense and if it doesn't I'm sorry but I understand what I am trying to say. I don't know how it is possible to actually sing a song word for word all while having a totally different thought going through my mind, but I do it. I think this is why I can work out for so long because my mind goes through this process and I don't even realize what I am doing while I am doing it.

Same thing goes with basketball. I played basketball in college, and when I played my best I wasn't even thinking about the game. So much emphasis by my coaches was put on focus, but during the game I wasn't even thinking about basketball. It was like an afterthought. I would be thinking about what I am going to eat after the game, what my mom was doing, does my car need gas, and other random stuff like that. Then all of a sudden I would realize that I made a three pointer, or realize I am running a complicated offense. I would kind of wake up and tell myself, "I can't believe I am doing this," but from the outside looking in you would think I was the most focused and intense person on the court. I don't know it is kind of hard to explain.

I never realized it, but there are times where I go hours and hours without saying a word. I like it. I like being in public by myself. I like going out to restaurants by myself. When I tell people I go out to eat by myself, they look at me like I am weird, but I don't care what people think. I think going to Olive Garden in the afternoon by myself is normal. If I want some pasta or zuppa toscana, will I enjoy my meal any less if I eat it by myself? It tastes the same to me. Same thing goes with the movies. My movie watching experience is not enhanced if I do it with someone else. It is still the same movie.

I think I am done rambling for now. If you made it this far, I appreciate it.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

My first kiss...

I was sitting at work today and we were having a discussion about out first kiss, and thought this would be an interesting story to share on my blog.

This is something I will never forget. It was 1989. I was 8 years old. It was summertime. I have no idea how I got where I was, but I was in an apartment in Little Lehigh (the projects) with a kid name Chris, a girl named Jessica, and a girl named Melanie. Now all of these kids were around 11 and 12, so I felt kind of cool by just being in there presence. There was no parental supervision. We were just hanging out, listening to the record "It Takes Two" by MC Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock over and over and over again.

So all of a sudden the kid Chris decides we should play truth or dare. So I'm like whatever lets do it. We began by doing silly kid stuff and answering stupid questions. So my turn came around and I said dare. So Chris said to me... "Kiss her" while pointing to Melanie. Now even though the music was still playing and everyone was carrying on, everything just stopped for me. I couldn't hear anything, I couldn't speak, and I was just frozen. Melanie was this beautiful light skinned girl with long, wavy black hair, and a pretty smile. Never in my wildest dreams at that point in my life did I think I would have the opportunity to kiss a girl, especially a girl like her. I had never kissed a girl... I saw it on tv... but I didn't really know what to do. So while I am having this frozen moment Chris says to me, "are you going to do it." At that point I could hear the music again. I looked at Melanie and she smiled. So I said "yeah, but I have to go to the bathroom first.”

So I go to the bathroom and close the door. I am all nervous, not sure on what I was going to do. My breath smelled like Fritos, or whatever other bag of 25 cents chips I ate from Chicken’s corner store that day. I'm telling myself there is no way that I can kiss this girl with my breath smelling like this. While thinking about what I am going to do, I see a toothbrush. Yes... I did. I had no idea whose toothbrush it was, but yes I did brush my teeth with it. Desperate times cause for desperate measures. I also washed my face and hands. So now I am standing in the mirror, looking at myself like Eminem in 8 Mile, trying to encourage myself to take on this challenge. I didn't know what I was doing, she was intimidating, but it was now or never.

So I leave the bathroom, go into the bedroom they are all in, and sit on the metal radiator. It was dark, actually more dim than dark, and I swear it seemed like there was mist or smoke or something in the air. The scene was set. Chris looked at me and asked me if I was ready, and I said yea. So while I am sitting on the radiator Melanie walks up on me, and puts her face in my face. At this point "It Takes Two" is still playing in the background, and I will never forget it was at the part where Rob Base breaks it down. All I heard was "it it it it takes two to make... it it it it takes two to make... it it it it takes two to... it takes two to... it takes two to make." So I closed my eyes and I felt her lips. Her mouth was open so I opened mine. I let her kind of take the lead because like I said I didn't know what I was doing. It was slow. Her lips were soft. I felt her tongue, so I kind of gave her a little bit of mine. We developed a flow. I was locked in the moment. I was doing it! That 15 second kiss felt like it lasted forever. It was one of those moments like in the movies where the sun is rising, waves are crashing, birds are flying, people are smiling flying kites, and kids are playing. We came apart, then all of a sudden she gave me this little tap kiss which I now understand kind of validated the first real kiss. It was a success! I remember having this big cheesy smile, and so did she. I then said I had to go. I skipped all the way home from Little Lehigh up Union St, on to 9th. I'll never forget walking in the door and the show "A Different World" was just coming on. I was so excited. My life was changed forever.

So the next day I go outside to the parking lot which was like the hang out for all of the kids. I told some of my friends about the wonderful evening I had the night before, highlighted by the kiss with Melanie. So my friend Jamel I will never forget was like, "didn't you know that Melanie's was Will's girl? As soon as he said that and I mean that very instant, I looked to my right and there was Will walking up the alley. Will was like 12, pretty strong, and athletic. He kind of ran our age group of kids on the block at that time. I was no slouch, but I was young and wasn't ready to challenge him at anything. So as soon as he seen me, he started running towards me. So I got scared and took off, but I didn't get far. After taking a few steps I just felt a punch on my back which dropped me to the ground, and then from there Will proceeded to beat me up. Now while I am taking this beating, he is telling me how Chris told him everything... how I kissed Melanie... not to mess with his girl again... blah blah blah. So his arms must have gotten tired because he stopped beating me, and he just left up the alley. My scared crew then ran over to me and asked me if I was alright. I had some cuts on my knees from the parking lot gravel, some lumps on the back of my head and my back hurt, but all in all I was alright. I stood up, and all I could think about was the fact that I actually kissed Melanie. The beating was worth it.

I never really saw Melanie after that. I guess she moved away or whatever. Me and Will became cool shortly after that like all kids do. For the record, he won't dare test me now that I am grown. The whole situation was a great experience that I don't think I will ever EVER forget.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

1/27/2009 4:04am EST

I haven't done any blog entries in a while. I haven't really done much of anything recently. I don't know what is wrong with me, but sometimes I get moody and I distance myself from everyone and everything. Sometimes I just feel so angry, sad, and frustrated for no apparent reason. I just want to stay home and sleep or just be by myself. I don't answer my phone, casual conversations lead to arguments, and I'm just no fun to be around. I don't know if this has anything to do with me growing up alone but when I get like this I don't like being around anyone. There is no timetable for how long this mood lasts or how often this happens but it randomly comes an goes and I can't control it. What is wrong with me??? Well at least I have identified that it is me with the problem and not the world, so hopefully I can learn to control this behavior and fix it for good. I think I feel a little better now that I have written about it but I'm not sure yet.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Text message etiquette...

So I received a text message from one of my friends today(I will not be naming names), and it said... "R u goin to da gym 2day." Now one of my pet peeves are these meaningless abbreviations and "alternatives" for words that are being used. So looking at this message I am asking myself, why is this how some people choose to text message? Does this save them time? Do they not respect me enough that they think it is ok to send me an informal message of sorts? Am I just being petty? I mean if you look at what they are saying, it would only take a few more letters for them to spell the whole original word. It seems to me that it would be more difficult to come up with different ways of spelling words than using the original word. Thinking about it for the rest of the day and night, I have come to the conclusion that with text messaging it is anything goes. I will try not to be as anal as I am about it now. I was being petty, but I still hate it. /end rant

Ok thats all for now.. thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Power...

So the other day, me and my daughter were watching the movie Monsters INC. This one my all time favorite movies. The film is colorful, vibrant, and exciting. The storyline is just as good. With all children's films there is always an underlying message, which is what I eventually want to talk about.
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The story takes place in a city full of monsters. The city is powered by children's screams, which were manufactured at the local scream factory. The monsters work on an assembly line of doors which lead to children's bedrooms. It is the monsters job to go in the rooms, scare the children, and bottle up the energy given off by the screams. These screams were the energy source of the entire city. Over time, the supply of screams could not meet the demand that was needed to power the city. There weren't enough screams to power cars, homes, and pretty much everything else. The quality of life in the city was severely affected.
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The main part of the plot focuses on a little girl who accidentally enters the monsters world by walking through one of the doors in the assembly line. One of the good monsters finds the girl, and vows to protect her until he can find her door and send her back home. One of the not so nice monsters finds out about her, and makes it his mission to capture her and put her into a machine that manufactures screams.
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The rest of movie includes exciting chase scenes, which are both funny and suspenseful. Ultimately, the good monster gets the girl back through her door and into her room where she is safe. While in the room the monster trips and falls over some of the little girls toys. She sees this and she starts laughing hysterically. All of a sudden, there is an amazing amount of energy that comes over the room. The monster notices this, and makes the child laugh again. There again is a massive amount of energy in the room. The monster figures out that the child's laughs are much more powerful, and much easier to obtain than the child's screams. They eventually turn the scream factory into a laugh factory, resources become abundant, and the city is saved.
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Now I know on the surface this seems like just another cartoon movie for children, but the overall message is one that everyone can benefit from. The power of being positive is so much more beneficial, and so much more resourceful than the power of negativity. I see people every single day who have a negative outlook on life, making things that much harder for themselves. If we as people remain optimistic and look at things from a positive perspective, we can individually and collectively overcome and achieve so much more.

Don't just take it from me... take it from the monsters.

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Christmas...

Let me start this by saying Merry Christmas to everyone. Me personally, I have mixed feelings about Christmas. I am not Christian and I do not believe in the Christian part of the holiday. To all of my Christian people out there, I love you and keep doing your thing. I celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday focusing on spending time with family, as well as gift giving. But as mentioned I have mixed feelings about how the holiday is perceived and conducted, especially here in America. We have been conditioned to think we have to "break the bank" in order to make our Christmas's happy and successful. Television, advertising, and retailers put a lot of pressure on consumers, all while raising expectations of children. These expectations are hard to meet by your average, hard working person. Children lose touch with the true meaning of the holiday. As parents and consumers we cannot succumb to the to these pressures. We have to educate our children that it is the thought and the intent of the gift giving that counts, and not the quantity and price of the items received. Too many people stress themselves out at this time of year, and never really get a chance to fully enjoy the entire season. Hopefully we all can keep things in perspective and focus on what is really important this time of year. Merry Christmas!

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...