Happy Birthday Koi...

We celebrated my son's birthday on August 1st. He turned 12. We got him an xBox 360, and took him to Old Country Buffet(That's where he wanted to go).

I was 16 years old when he was born. It was the summer of 12th grade. I had NO IDEA what I was getting into. It was a constant struggle, but with the help of a lot good people, we got through it. Me and his mother aren't together, but our relationship is civil, which is great for the situation.

Koi is so cool. He is a very good athlete, but more importantly he is a good kid. Last football season he did very well, but it was his off the field conduct that impressed me the most. He was very humble. He never gets too high or too low, no matter the situation. Nothing phases Koi and I love that about him. He can accomplish anything he puts his mind to, and I will always be there to make sure he stays on course. Koi is everything I ever wanted to be, and I am just so proud to be his father. Happy Birthday Koi.

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So sad...

Yesterday I took my daughter to the park. It was just me and her. We were throwing the ball, chasing squirrels, and running around being silly. She loves going to the park. She was laughing and having a good time, just like she always does.

While we were there, I saw this girl I knew. Her son played on the same football team as my son. I don't know her to well, but we would always say what's up when we saw each other. She was walking through the park with her daughter, who is around the same age as mine. When we crossed paths I said hi, she said hello, and she kept it moving.

So me and my daughter went back to playing. The girl I said hi to got into her car, but she didn't leave. I noticed that she was watching us. Now this might be considered strange behavior to some, but I understood exactly what was going on. She was dealing with something.

About 2 months ago, the father of her children was murdered. I didn't know him too well either, but I would always see him around. I would always see him walking his son to football practice, while holding his daughters hand. She would be smiling and skipping along, as happy as could be. There would be days she didn't feel like walking, so he would carry her. I could tell he was a good dad. His son wasn't the best player in the world, but he would always give him positive encouragement that would help him though. He would always praise him for giving his best effort. When his daughter would get bored watching practice, he would run around and chase her, just to keep her entertained.

The news of his death hit me hard. It's just so sad to know that these kids father is gone forever. His son will no longer have the support from his father that he so desperately needs. Not only on the football field, but in life. His daughter will never get to skip and smile while holding hands with her daddy ever again. And now you have the their mother, who is left with the task of supporting her children financially, as well as the task of trying to fill the emotional void of her kids not having a father. One can only imagine what kind of strain and pressure this has to have on her.

So when I see her sitting in her car watching me and my daughter, I can only imagine what she is thinking. I felt like her watching us play, reminded her of the father of her children playing with her daughter. I felt like she was thinking about what used to be, and unfortunately what will never be again. I wanted to go talk to her and tell her I was sorry, but I didn't. There is nothing I could have said that would have eased her pain.

The whole situation is just so sad to me. There is no happy ending, it just is what it is. This just serves as another reminder that this world is cold, life isn't fair, and tomorrow isn't promised. Damn.

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Decisions... decisions...

I have a dilemma.

As I mentioned before, I am an assistant high school basketball coach. I have been for the past 3 years. I was recently made aware that the active head freshman coach on our staff may be leaving to accept a position at the collegiate level. I was also made aware that if I wanted the freshman job, it was mine.

This is an excellent opportunity. Our school is the premiere basketball program in our area with a long and storied history. I am honored just to be part of the staff. Currently I am an assistant on the jv and varsity teams. My voice is heard, but if I were the head freshman coach, I would be the voice. I would be responsible for laying the foundation and fundamentals of the program, all while having total creative control over my own team. I would LOVE that. Another incentive is that I would be getting paid, instead of working on a volunteer basis.

Sounds great right? Well here is the problem. I have a family. I have responsibilities. Nani already doesn't like the fact that I coach. During the season when we have practice, I spend 3+ hours a night (from about 5:30pm to around 9) out of the house. On game days, it is 6+ hours. Being the head freshman coach would require me to be gone even more. That is a lot of time away from home. When I do come home, I have to go right to sleep to be awake for work at 5am. Me and Nani not spending quality time together would really put a strain on our relationship.

My daughter is starting pre-K this year. It is going to be my responsibility to pick her up at 1:30pm every day. Being the head freshman coach, there would be days where I would have to meet my team at 2pm for away games. I could have Nani's grandmother watch her, but do I really want to put that burden on her? Plus I like picking her up. I love seeing my daughters smile, and the excitement on her face when I go get her.

My son is going to be in 7th grade. This is an important stretch in his life, and he needs me. Last year his grades were average, and his behavior was about the same. He really needs my presence to help keep him in line. Sure I could bring him along, but when would he do his homework? When would he study? There will also be times when he has his own basketball games. Am I willing to miss all of those?

So that's where I'm at. I'm torn. I have the opportunity to do something I love... which is mentor kids, be a role model, coach basketball, and be a positive male minority role model in a community that desperately needs it... all while getting paid. If I choose that, I will also be delegating my responsibilities as a parent, and sacrificing valuable time away from the people I love the most. So... what do I do???

Decisions... decisions...

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Tired...

I'm tired of conflict

I'm tired of the pursuit

I'm tired of bullshit

I'm tired of media influence

I'm tired of the "cool"

I'm tired of the numbers game

I'm tired of compromising

I'm tired of the struggle

I'm tired of so much emphasis being put on things that don't even matter

I'm tired of EVERYTHING

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I'm just so tired...

Happy Birthday Maecee...

On July 20th was my daughters birthday. She just turned 4. On Sunday we had a little birthday party for her, and yesterday we took her to the beach.

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Maecee is my baby. All of the time I hear men talk about how are scared to have a daughter... but they have no idea what they are missing. I have Koi and I love him just as much, but having a daughter it is a different kind of love. She is just so precious, so sweet, so smart, and sooo funny! She is like my best friend, and I am so happy we are so close. We have great conversations and we have a great bond. When I get off of work, there are days where I am physically and mentally exhausted. Despite that, the instant I see her I get this feeling of joy and excitement that comes over me. I may not feel like playing, or drawing, or going to the park, but when I look into her eye's and I realize she has been waiting for this moment all day, I know that I can't let her down. I love her, and I pour my heart and my soul into her. There are times where I just sit back and look at her and say to myself... "wow, that is my baby girl." I am just so lucky to have her, and so proud to be her father. Happy birthday Maecee.

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Don't talk... just listen

I don't mean to be so blunt, but some things just need to be said. I don't like your friend. Nah fuck that... I HATE your friend.

I know you met her before you met me, but so fucking what. I am your best friend. I know her, and I know she is no good for you. I'm not trying to control you or anything, but I don't think you should get up with her anymore. When you roll with her, you act different. You say you are the same person, but you aren't. You just can't see it. Her influence clouds your judgment. I know that is your bud and I know she seems warm and comforting, but she deceives you. That bitch is a liar. She twists up shit to make you feel better, only to have everything go up in smoke when you realize she is gone.

You see... I've known that grimey ass chick since I was young. A couple of kids around my way used to mess with her. My friend Ronnie piped her. She even flirted with me one summer. I was immature and stupid, so I ended up bagging her. Luckily for me, I didn't take her too serious. I never hit that. I'm glad I didn't either, because shorty probably would have burned me. I really got to know her, and I realized she was dirty and nothing but trouble. At that point, I let her go for good.

It's sad that you know she is no good for you, you know I don't like her, but you hang with her anyway. Why? That shit fucks my head up. There are times when I see you and you say you haven't been with her, but I know you are lying. I can see it in your eyes. She manipulates you. She makes you spend money on her. She treats you like shit when in reality, she is the fucking dirt bag. I wish you could step outside of yourself and look through my eyes , so you can see how she affects you.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried everything. I've tried the hands off approach. I've tried to make you feel guilty. I've even threatened to end our friendship. No matter what I do, you still don't seem to get it. It hurts me to see you like this. I am not being selfish, I am just looking out for your best interests. I love you. I am begging you to listen to me. You are a great person, and I just don't want your friendship with her to be your downfall. You have the opportunity to do many great things in life, and I don't want you to blow it.
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So please take my advice... and just let her go.
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Other things...

In high school everything I did revolved around sports and girls. Sports, girls, sports, girls. Now as an adult, I feel like while I focused so much on those things, I missed out on other opportunities to do so much more.

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I wish I would have been in the band in high school. I wish I could have played the trumpet or the saxophone. How cool would it have been to be in the band and play the national anthem before a football game, and then go run on the field and be the starting quarterback? I would have loved to do that. I would have loved to do the same thing at basketball games too.

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I wish I would have been in the Student Government. I feel like I would have been a good leader with good ideas, who would have been able to influence others into doing positive things for the greater good. It would have been fun to see how my voice and my leverage could have impacted things.

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I wish I would have written in the school newspaper. I would have had my own little re-occurring column, where I would have addressed numerous topics from a young adolescents point of view. I would been fun to stir up some debates, all while bringing awareness to the paper as a whole.

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I wish I could have done it all. I would have been on the Debate Team, Art Club, Key Club, and everything else. You never know what you will like until you try it, especially at a young age. That's why I encourage my children and the kids I coach to broaden their horizons, and try other things. A lot of the kids I deal with are so concerned with image, just like I was. In the neighborhoods they come from, so much emphasis is put on being the man, looking fly, or being a good athlete. School clubs are considered corny. You are considered a nerd if you pay attention in school and get good grades. I try to use my influence and experiences to show them that it is ok to be different, and it is ok to achieve. There is so much more to life, and I want to make sure they don't miss out on any opportunities to discover other things they may enjoy... kind of like I did. Hopefully my voice is heard.

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Words to live by...

My world it moves so fast today

the past it seems so far away

and life

squeezes so tight that I can't breathe...

And every time I've tried to be

what someone else thought of me

so caught up

I was unable to achieve...

But deep

in my heart

the answer

it was in me...

And I made

up my mind

to define

my own destiny...

The lyrics above are the first verse from the song "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" which is the title track of Lauryn Hill's first album. This is one of those instances where music really had an impact and influence on my everyday life.

This song kind of describes my evolution as a man. Growing up my life moved so fast, and lacked it's own direction. I felt the pressures of society. I felt like a lot of decisions I made were influenced on what was considered important by the by the masses, and not by me. It wasn't that I was a follower or anything, but I just kind of went along with the established status quo of the world. When I finally figured out that my life wasn't about anyone elses idea of happiness or success but my own, I felt free. My life actually became my life.

That's why I am how I am. For the most part, I don't care what people think about me. I don't need to be cool, or to be what someone else wants me to be. I don't need to fulfill anyone elses expectations on what I do with my life, other than my own. I don't have goals of obtaining material things to make me feel accomplished, or goals of obtaining a career with a title to make me feel important. Like the song says, I made up my mind to define my own destiny.

I love my humble life. I love living my life slowly. I just try to take it all in, and enjoy every moment. I love blending in with the crowd. I love my cool little family. Being a great husband and a regular dad make me feel successful. Watching my kids evolve into good people who will make a positive contribution to the world is what makes me feel accomplished. I just love being comfortable enough to live my life on my terms, and not worrying about the pressures and influence of the outside world.

What makes me love this song even more is that Lauryn Hill really lived what she sang. This album won like 8 Grammy awards, but despite that we never heard another album from her again. She had a family, and her heart was no longer in music. She could have easily made another album, and made millions of dollars if she wanted to. Even though she felt pressure from fans and people in the music industry to make more music, she stayed true to herself and she stayed away. She wanted to live her life and raise her family out of the spotlight, and that's exactly what she did. I applaud her for that

So thanks again Lauryn for giving me these wonderful words to live by. I am very grateful.

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Goodbye...

As we all know by now, Michael Jackson has passed away. Rather than grieve about his death, I would like to take this opportunity to celebrate his life.

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I grew up listening to Michael Jackson. My mom had all of his records from when he was with the Jackson 5. When he went solo, she had all of those records too. No matter how hard things may have been growing up, when you listened to his music, you kind of forgot about it all. His music just made you feel good... feel alive. He was also a wonderful performer who would always put on an amazing show. I still remember trying to moonwalk in my kitchen, because I wanted to be like Mike. I had the afro, the glove, the jacket, the posters... I had it all.

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His impact was not only felt here in America, but all around the world. His music was universal and brought people from all different backgrounds together. He used his celebrity and influence to bring awareness to many social issues across the globe. His work would go a long way in helping to provide food in Africa, as well as raising money for AIDS research. Too many times we get caught up in the 750 million records sold worldwide, but his humanitarian efforts may have had an even greater impact on the world.

Later in his life he was criticized for some abnormal behavior such as numerous plastic surgeries, suspected bleaching of his skin, and multiple child molestation allegations. He was considered weird. He has never been convicted of any crime, but he seemed to take a hit when it came to the court of public opinion. Now I don't condone any of this alleged behavior. All I can say is even though he is the greatest entertainer of our time, he is still a man, and no man is perfect. He has been on stage his whole life. He never had a normal childhood. Who is to say what is normal to him? So as an adult... if he wants to have a roller coaster in his backyard and chimps walking around juggling in tuxedo's... so be it.

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Ultimately, his legacy will live on forever. His influence on the music and the entertainment industry is evident in so many of our artists today. His music is timeless. I am just thankful for the opportunity to have grown up while he was in his prime, and experience his creativity and influence first hand. Thanks Michael.

And for a quick laugh... a picture of me when I was five...
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Fathers Day...

Fathers Day is this Sunday. Even though I never had a father growing up, I did have a few father figures. I wanted to take the time out to recognize some of these men.
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James Kostic
He is my grandfather. I call him Pop-Pop. He has always been there for me and my mom. He is a cool, quiet man, who seemed like he was always in control, no matter the situation. He is an older man, who is still in good shape for his age. Whenever I had a basketball or football game, he was always there. When I did well my mom would be cheering, but his facial expressions and body language would never change. I still could tell he was proud of me. He just wanted to keep me level headed and humble, and he did. He would give me a "good job kid" and that would be it. He came off like success was expected. I got a lot of my mannerisms and quiet confidence from him.

Kenny Kostic
Uncle Kenny! My uncle Kenny is cool. When I was young, he always would pick me up and take me to the park. We would play basketball, football, baseball, soccer, racquetball, badminton, and every other sport you can think of. He knew my mom didn't have any money, so when he took his kids on vacation, he took me too. He took me to Virginia Beach, Myrtle Beach, and to St. Louis. Kenny loved music, and he would always have all of these tapes with all kinds of House music on them. He would always say, "this is my jam" when he heard a song he liked. Kenny taught me how to live and enjoy life.

Jasper Drummond
Jasper was my next door neighbor growing up. He had a son I hung out with who was my age, so me and Jasper would see each other on a day to day basis. He treated me like a son. He took a lot of the kids in our neighborhood under his wing. He would take us fishing, show us how to fix things, and do all kinds of other regular dad stuff with us. He also had a portable basketball court he used to roll out into the parking lot and let all of us play with. My friends used to joke and say Jasper was my dad, because I never knew mine. Jasper's best characteristic was his dedication, and the love he had for his kids. The relationship with his wife was never the best, but he would always say he could deal with her... as long as he had his children. He would work hard all day, but somehow find the energy and strength to entertain his kids... and me when he got home. He understood the importance of family, and watching him made me understand it was well.

Peter Dixon
Pete was also my neighbor. He moved in when I was like 10 years old. He was an old head... someone who had seen it all and done it all twice. He noticed all of the kids on the block played basketball, so he kind of came around and taught us little things that would help us improve our game. We all became cool. We would sit on his porch for hours, just talking about life. He was a very smart man. He would school us on everything from girls, politics, and everything else you could think of. He was Muslim, but he didn't try to push that on us. He would tell us to not accept things for how they were, but to question things... think outside of the box... and think for ourselves. Pete only lived on our block for about 4 years, but his advice is something I continue to carry with me today.

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I am very thankful to have come across these men. I have met many other great men in my life, but these men specifically have all given me the positive male influence I needed in the absence of my father. I just wanted to make sure they got some special recognition from me. I used their influence to help me in my maturation from a boy to a man, and for that I am forever grateful. Thank you gentlemen.

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