All American...

My friend and Allentown's own Darnell Braswell has been named a 2008-2009 Division III first team All American. Darnell led his DeSales mens's basketball team to a league title, as well as an elite 8 appearance in the DIII tournament, which is a the farthest the school has ever gone. The shooting guard averaged 16.8 ppg and 7.8 rpg, but the numbers were just part of the story. His competitiveness and heart raised the level of play of his teamates to heights they might have not achieved without him.

Darnell is not only a great basketball player, he is an even better young man. He is a hard worker, always positive, and has outstanding character. Being a little older, I was able to see him evolve from a kid dribbling a ball at the bottom of the hill on 12th st, to becoming a key member of one of the best basketball team's in Allen High School's history, and now being named a collegiate All-American. I have also had the opportunity to play with and against him during summer leagues, which is always fun. I just wanted to make this post to recognize this wonderful achievement by a great young man. Darnell is only a junior, so you can expect more great things from him next season.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

The Green Family...

Growing up I would always hear a lot about them, even though they didn’t live on my block. The family consisted of five boys named George, Johnny, "A", Al, and Drew, an uncle(I forget his name), and the father whose name is Ben. My mother knew the family, but they weren’t really all that close. They would come visit her sometimes, but wouldn’t stay that long. George would actually come to visit me on my birthdays and sometimes even Christmas, but he wouldn't stay long enough for me to even remember who he was.

Everyone always used to say getting to know the family was important. My mother said the family liked people who were educated. She said I should do well in school, because that will help me build a strong, long lasting relationship with them. She said everybody needed them. She would get sad and act kind of funny when they weren't around. That behavior was kind of weird to me, because I mean me and my friends didn't really know the family, but we were still happy??? We would laugh, we would play, and we weren't worried about getting to know some family who didn't want to be with us. My friends also said there parents had similar feelings towards them. We were kids, we were young, and we just didn't quite understand.

When I was about 13 or 14, I got formally introduced to the boys. My friends always used to play games to determine who the boys would hang out with the most. We would roll dice, play cards, and do almost anything else just to determine who they would stay with. I finally started to understand why everyone wanted to hang with the family. They had the hook up! They took care of a lot of things for you. They could get you sneakers, nice clothes, and they could take you wherever you wanted to go. Even the girls thought you were cooler if you hung with them. The more we hung out and the more we got to know each other, the more I wanted them to stay. Even though we were kind of like friends, we never really got too close. I was too immature, too irresponsible to keep them around. So when I acted careless, they would leave me. When I would realize it, they would already be gone.

As I got older, I started to see how hanging with the Green family became more serious. That’s when I met the father, Ben. Ben was the man, the most powerful and influential member of the family. He was always talked about on TV, on the streets, everywhere. People would lie, cheat, steal, sell drugs, even kill… just so they would have to opportunity to hang with Ben. My best friend wanted to hang with Ben so bad, that he tried to go into the Green residence to kidnap him. He ended up getting caught and went to jail for it. My mother always told me you had to earn your relationship with the family, you couldn't just take it. The Green family was tricky. They kind of had a way of making people think you needed them more that you really did. It wasn’t really there fault though, because they were manipulated by the media and by society in general. Some people kind of get this false sense of entitlement if they have a long relationship with the family. I see people all of the time sacrificing time with there families and loved ones, just so they could work to obtain a stronger bond with the Green's. I mean is this relationship what life is all about?

Now the Green family was cool(especially Ben) and I like when they are around, but going all out for them was never that serious to me. I don’t let my relationship with them consume me, or stress me out like I see it do to others. I have seen it indirectly take over a lot of people’s lives. I am conscious of that, and won't let it take over my own. I have built a strong enough bond to be able to call on them when I need them, but us being close isn’t my ultimate motivation. My relationship with them doesn’t make me who I am. They don’t make me cool. I am cool all by myself. I hate when I see people sacrifice there dignity, time with loved ones, or even there freedom, just for a chance to be closer with them. While we all should all take care of our relationship with the Green family, we should also realize that our other relationships with our own family and friends are the ones that are most important, and at the end of the day the most valuable.

Browsing the pictures of my computer, I was able to find a picture of the Green family portrait I saved...

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

People, technology, and the quality of life...

The quality of life isn’t what it used to be. People aren’t what they used to be. People aren’t as well rounded as they used to be… or should I say as they used to HAVE to be. I love technology, and while I feel like there are many obvious benefits in the advancement in technology, there are also many not so obvious drawbacks. Technology has made people lazy. Some of the ways technology is used has kind of taken away from the "authenticity" of life. If a lot of technologies just suddenly disappeared, a lot of people wouldn’t know how to survive. They wouldn’t know what to do. Try to understand what I am trying to say...

When there was no TV, man had to do be creative in what they did to occupy there time. More time was spent reading, in conversation, and participating in activities. This time made people’s relationships better, got people more educated, kept people in better shape, and created an overall more thorough human being. Now people spend hours on end sitting in front of this tube, watching this fantasy world to entertain themselves. Think of all of the things we lose out on by doing this. I am not even going to go into how we are manipulated by news networks. That is an entire different topic for a different time. Think about how many people you know who sit there toddlers in front of the TV all day, instead of reading to them, drawing with them, or just talking to them??? How many kids do you know who would rather sit in there room and play video games on a bright sunny day, instead of going outside to play a sport, or just play with other kids??? When did this become acceptable??

People don't even have to know how to cook anymore. There is a fast food restaurant five minutes away from wherever you are reading this from. With the advancement of the internet, you might even be reading this in a restaurant. With this fast paced world being what it is, who has time to cook? Now with every other piece of advancing technology, this can be good in moderation. Leave it to the people of our generation to take advantage of this convenience and just stop cooking all together. And no... TV dinners and pre-made oven pizza doesn't count as cooking.

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Dating has even changed. On social networking sites such as Facebook and Myspace, you don't even need to leave home to meet people. You create your own profile which consists of putting up personal pictures, adding your likes and dislikes, and pretty much giving a full description of yourself. Now this can be good, because it may give people the opportunity to meet who may have not have met otherwise, but there is just something about seeing someone in person, knowing absolutely nothing about them, and having the courage to introduce yourself and start a conversation. With this new way of "meeting" people, you can actually mold yourself into being compatible with someone by viewing and adjusting your personality to coincide with that persons self described profile. I don't totally knock it, but the whole idea does seem kind of weird to me.

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Remember those ice-breaking phone conversations after meeting someone of the opposite sex? Nah... we don't need those anymore. We have text messaging for that! Remember the feeling of dialing every digit except the last one of a girls phone number, then hanging up the phone because you were nervous knowing you were actually going to be speaking to her? Now with text messaging, you can have a whole conversation, ask all of those tough questions, all without actually having to speak to the person! Again, I think there is something wrong with that.

Now I will be the first to admit, in some way, shape, or form I am guilty of some of these things. I have become conscious of my actions, and I am trying to better myself. I want to be a well rounded human being. The easy way isn't always the best way. I think we all need to raise the status quo up. I am going to start with myself.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

A New Day...

So the moment in my life that I never thought was going to happen... happened. I am not going to go into details about what transpired, or give my feelings on the situation. Some things you just have to keep for yourself. All I am going to say is that after 28 years, I finally met my father. It feels good to finally get some closure, and at the same time start a new chapter in my life. I feel relieved more than anything. Here is a photo, only one of two of me and him together.

The rest of my time in San Antonio was cool. My friend Shannon came with me. My sisters are some cool, thorough woman. I really like them. They took me to the Riverwalk, the Alamo, and showed me a really good time. Shannon told me my sisters remind him of me. I seen some similarities in appearance and personality too. It's crazy. I am going to try to make the most of those relationships. Next I have to meet my brothers. I actually met my fathers youngest son who is 3 years old. Yes... 3(three) years old. I gave him a couple dollars. The path of discovering who I am took a positive turn this weekend, and I am thankful for it.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

The man... the myth...

I have had a great life. I have been a lot of places, had a lot of great experiences, and built many long lasting relationships. Despite all of the good that I have been able to experience, there has always been something missing. I never knew who my father was. Well after 28 years, all of that is about to change. In about 24 hours, I am going to be getting on a plane to go meet my biological father.

I never thought this would happen. For me, my father always has been like a mystery… a myth. I mean I knew he had to exist, but I felt it was the question I would never have the answer to. It ranked up there with the mystery of GOD and the assassination of Kennedy. My mother wasn’t exactly open about the situation. She definitely had some hard feelings, because when I would ask her about him, she would always say she didn’t want to talk about it. The times she did give me any information she would say he was a good athlete, but he wasn’t a good man. After that, I was only left with the name on my birth certificate.

So growing up, I was so confused. I was a light skinned black kid with a white mother in a mostly minority neighborhood. It was tough. I mean I was black, but nobody in my family was black. I was even sometimes mistaken for being puerto-rican(I still get that too). All of my knowledge and interaction with black people took place in my community, not in my home. Now don’t get it twisted, my mother and the rest of my white family did a great job raising me. My grandfather is the greatest man I have ever met. My mother instilled morals in me, and was the best example of hard work, sacrifice, and humility anyone could ever ask for. But there was always that other side, that unknown I was missing. When I was a kid in school people used to always ask me what was up with my father. I came up with every story in the book, because I had no idea. I would tell some people he was in jail for selling drugs, or was in a Military prison for shooting someone, or that he died. As I got older I stopped making up stories and just settled on the fact that I never knew.

Not knowing who my father wore on me more and more as I got older. I mean I was married, had two children of my own, but I still didn’t really know who I was or where I really came from. There were times where I would put the thought of not knowing my father in the back of my mind, but there were other times where it would come to the forefront and tear me apart inside. Part of me didn’t even want to know, but the other part of me made me feel like I had to know. I didn’t want to live my whole life and never find out who my father was. What if he would die and I never had the opportunity to speak to him? What if he was already dead? There were so many questions… and no answers. I would again confront my mother and this time she basically told me everything she knew, which wasn’t really all that much. I mean she gave me some possible locations, an age, and left it to me from there.

So I would again struggle with myself back and forth whether I should or shouldn’t try to find my father. I got some valuable encouragement from a few people. They told me I shouldn’t be scared of what I would find, and that I should just do it. For that… I am forever grateful. So one day I just had enough. I sat at my computer and told myself today is the day. It was a Thursday. I would sit at work that day, use my resources and internet savvy, in hopes of trying to find my father. I searched a few people finder sites. There were quite a few people who shared his name. There were some that would list the name, age, location, previous addresses, people who he may be associated with, and there age, all for free. So I found one of a man who lived in San Antonio, TX, and was 48 years old. This matched the information my mother gave me. When I looked at the people who were listed that he could possibly be associated with, there was one who had a very distinct name. So I put that name in Google, and the first thing that came up was a Facebook account. When I clicked on the link, it was the picture of a 26 year old black woman. HMMMmmmm. So what I did was I created a Facebook account, and wrote her this long email telling her my story. I told her about my mom, how she met my father while she was in the army, that they were stationed in Texas, Boston, and every other little piece of information I could think of. So after I sent this email I took a look at the friends this woman had, and there were two other black women who had the same last name as my father. So I said you know what, I am going to send them the same email I sent to the first girl. So I sent it, and after only a few minutes, one of the girls emailed me back. A lot of the information I provided sounded to her like her father. So that whole afternoon we emailed each other back and forth collaborating information, and everything kind of came together. She called her mother that night, she spoke to him, and he confirmed it. I found my father.

All of that happened last March. I went from being an only child, to having 8 brothers and sisters. All of this was so overwhelming to me. I spoke to my father for the first time on that Saturday. I told him I didn’t want him to be my father. I didn’t want any money or any advice. I just wanted to find him and find out who he is because that would help me better understand who I am. His opportunity to actually be my father was long gone. Our conversation was so surreal. I was talking to the man who I wasn’t sure even existed. My conversations with his children were all very interesting. It turns out one time or another he did the same thing to them that he did to me. They understood what I was going through. They talked to me and tried to make me feel comfortable about my situation. I ended up talking to my father 2 or 3 times after the first time, and that was it.

So now I am here. I have to meet him. I just have to get it over with. I have no expectations. Hopefully he won’t try to give me any advice or any sob story about him trying to find me. Two of his children will also be there so it will be cool getting to meet them too. My best friend is going with me to give me some support. I am excited. I am nervous. I am anxious. I just want to get it over with. I need to do this so I can achieve some inner peace. This will be a big step in my relentless pursuit of piece of mind. I don’t know what is going to happen, but we will see. I will keep you updated.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

In six minutes...

...I will be officially finished with night shift.

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My reflection...

I have had a lot of downtime at work lately. When I get tired of browsing the Internet, I just sit in silence and think. I stare at something, but what I am looking at is not what I see. I just zone out and think about any and everything. I love to just sit and reflect. This post has no direction or purpose, I am just kind of reflecting out loud.

I leave work at 6:30am, and every day while I am taking my time driving home, I see the rest of the world speeding to work. It feels good not being a part of that. Dawn is the most beautiful time of the day. Sometimes when I get home from work I don't even get out of my car right away. I just sit there. I just like being outside at dawn. It is very refreshing.

I love my family, but I also love waking up alone in complete silence. Sometimes I wake up and lay in my bed, looking at the ceiling for like five minutes just thinking about nothing. I also like waking up and going to sit in my living room to look at the pictures on my mantle. I know I can't sit there long because the responsibilities of the day await, but those quiet moments alone are precious to me. I need those moments.

I like going to the gym and listening to music. I listen to the music, I will sing along with the music in my head, but I don't actually listen to the music. I just think. I hope this is making sense and if it doesn't I'm sorry but I understand what I am trying to say. I don't know how it is possible to actually sing a song word for word all while having a totally different thought going through my mind, but I do it. I think this is why I can work out for so long because my mind goes through this process and I don't even realize what I am doing while I am doing it.

Same thing goes with basketball. I played basketball in college, and when I played my best I wasn't even thinking about the game. So much emphasis by my coaches was put on focus, but during the game I wasn't even thinking about basketball. It was like an afterthought. I would be thinking about what I am going to eat after the game, what my mom was doing, does my car need gas, and other random stuff like that. Then all of a sudden I would realize that I made a three pointer, or realize I am running a complicated offense. I would kind of wake up and tell myself, "I can't believe I am doing this," but from the outside looking in you would think I was the most focused and intense person on the court. I don't know it is kind of hard to explain.

I never realized it, but there are times where I go hours and hours without saying a word. I like it. I like being in public by myself. I like going out to restaurants by myself. When I tell people I go out to eat by myself, they look at me like I am weird, but I don't care what people think. I think going to Olive Garden in the afternoon by myself is normal. If I want some pasta or zuppa toscana, will I enjoy my meal any less if I eat it by myself? It tastes the same to me. Same thing goes with the movies. My movie watching experience is not enhanced if I do it with someone else. It is still the same movie.

I think I am done rambling for now. If you made it this far, I appreciate it.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

My first kiss...

I was sitting at work today and we were having a discussion about out first kiss, and thought this would be an interesting story to share on my blog.

This is something I will never forget. It was 1989. I was 8 years old. It was summertime. I have no idea how I got where I was, but I was in an apartment in Little Lehigh (the projects) with a kid name Chris, a girl named Jessica, and a girl named Melanie. Now all of these kids were around 11 and 12, so I felt kind of cool by just being in there presence. There was no parental supervision. We were just hanging out, listening to the record "It Takes Two" by MC Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock over and over and over again.

So all of a sudden the kid Chris decides we should play truth or dare. So I'm like whatever lets do it. We began by doing silly kid stuff and answering stupid questions. So my turn came around and I said dare. So Chris said to me... "Kiss her" while pointing to Melanie. Now even though the music was still playing and everyone was carrying on, everything just stopped for me. I couldn't hear anything, I couldn't speak, and I was just frozen. Melanie was this beautiful light skinned girl with long, wavy black hair, and a pretty smile. Never in my wildest dreams at that point in my life did I think I would have the opportunity to kiss a girl, especially a girl like her. I had never kissed a girl... I saw it on tv... but I didn't really know what to do. So while I am having this frozen moment Chris says to me, "are you going to do it." At that point I could hear the music again. I looked at Melanie and she smiled. So I said "yeah, but I have to go to the bathroom first.”

So I go to the bathroom and close the door. I am all nervous, not sure on what I was going to do. My breath smelled like Fritos, or whatever other bag of 25 cents chips I ate from Chicken’s corner store that day. I'm telling myself there is no way that I can kiss this girl with my breath smelling like this. While thinking about what I am going to do, I see a toothbrush. Yes... I did. I had no idea whose toothbrush it was, but yes I did brush my teeth with it. Desperate times cause for desperate measures. I also washed my face and hands. So now I am standing in the mirror, looking at myself like Eminem in 8 Mile, trying to encourage myself to take on this challenge. I didn't know what I was doing, she was intimidating, but it was now or never.

So I leave the bathroom, go into the bedroom they are all in, and sit on the metal radiator. It was dark, actually more dim than dark, and I swear it seemed like there was mist or smoke or something in the air. The scene was set. Chris looked at me and asked me if I was ready, and I said yea. So while I am sitting on the radiator Melanie walks up on me, and puts her face in my face. At this point "It Takes Two" is still playing in the background, and I will never forget it was at the part where Rob Base breaks it down. All I heard was "it it it it takes two to make... it it it it takes two to make... it it it it takes two to... it takes two to... it takes two to make." So I closed my eyes and I felt her lips. Her mouth was open so I opened mine. I let her kind of take the lead because like I said I didn't know what I was doing. It was slow. Her lips were soft. I felt her tongue, so I kind of gave her a little bit of mine. We developed a flow. I was locked in the moment. I was doing it! That 15 second kiss felt like it lasted forever. It was one of those moments like in the movies where the sun is rising, waves are crashing, birds are flying, people are smiling flying kites, and kids are playing. We came apart, then all of a sudden she gave me this little tap kiss which I now understand kind of validated the first real kiss. It was a success! I remember having this big cheesy smile, and so did she. I then said I had to go. I skipped all the way home from Little Lehigh up Union St, on to 9th. I'll never forget walking in the door and the show "A Different World" was just coming on. I was so excited. My life was changed forever.

So the next day I go outside to the parking lot which was like the hang out for all of the kids. I told some of my friends about the wonderful evening I had the night before, highlighted by the kiss with Melanie. So my friend Jamel I will never forget was like, "didn't you know that Melanie's was Will's girl? As soon as he said that and I mean that very instant, I looked to my right and there was Will walking up the alley. Will was like 12, pretty strong, and athletic. He kind of ran our age group of kids on the block at that time. I was no slouch, but I was young and wasn't ready to challenge him at anything. So as soon as he seen me, he started running towards me. So I got scared and took off, but I didn't get far. After taking a few steps I just felt a punch on my back which dropped me to the ground, and then from there Will proceeded to beat me up. Now while I am taking this beating, he is telling me how Chris told him everything... how I kissed Melanie... not to mess with his girl again... blah blah blah. So his arms must have gotten tired because he stopped beating me, and he just left up the alley. My scared crew then ran over to me and asked me if I was alright. I had some cuts on my knees from the parking lot gravel, some lumps on the back of my head and my back hurt, but all in all I was alright. I stood up, and all I could think about was the fact that I actually kissed Melanie. The beating was worth it.

I never really saw Melanie after that. I guess she moved away or whatever. Me and Will became cool shortly after that like all kids do. For the record, he won't dare test me now that I am grown. The whole situation was a great experience that I don't think I will ever EVER forget.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

The relationship with my girl...

It was really random. I don't know how it happened, it just kind of did. I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time, because my past experiences showed me I was irresponsible and careless towards girls feelings. Something about this girl though was different. She was young, and even though she wasn't really my type, she was kind of cute. When we met I looked into her eyes and I couldn't help but smile. I told myself, I know how these things end up, but I am just going to give her a chance and whatever happens... happens.

We would hang out a lot, and getting to know her was cool. We both have laid back personalities, but from time to time she would get a little feisty. Oddly enough, I liked that in her. She was really in tuned with my emotions. She knew when it was time to play, time to comfort me, and time to just leave me alone. We would have great conversations, even though I would do most of the talking. She would always look me in the eye, and I could tell she valued what I had to say. We would just lay and watch TV together, eat together, and I would caress her until she fell asleep. After a while, the relationship I never wanted to happen became the relationship that I couldn't live without. I fell in love with her.

It sounded all good... and for the most part it was. Along the way though like every other relationship, we had some disputes. Sometimes we would fight for no reason, we would stop communicating, and there were times I just flat out got sick of her. It even got to the point where she wanted to leave me, and she did on a few occasions. Luckily for me she came back crying every time, and I welcomed her with open arms. I hated myself for being so stubborn and making her submit to me, but I was an immature man who would always put my pride before others feelings. I was so stupid. She was my girl, and she deserved better than that. She was so good to me and at times, I kind of took her for granted. When I realized she would do anything in the world for me, it made me want to do the same for her... and more. I had to make sure she knew she was loved and appreciated. When I finally realized all of these things, we reconciled and moved forward, and it has been all good ever since.

She is a major part of my life, and she always will be. I just wanted to write a little about her so everyone would now how special she is to me. She brings out the best in me, and is greatly appreciated. I love you Fiona. Thank you. If you don't know Fiona aka Fi-Fi, here is a picture of her below...

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1/27/2009 4:04am EST

I haven't done any blog entries in a while. I haven't really done much of anything recently. I don't know what is wrong with me, but sometimes I get moody and I distance myself from everyone and everything. Sometimes I just feel so angry, sad, and frustrated for no apparent reason. I just want to stay home and sleep or just be by myself. I don't answer my phone, casual conversations lead to arguments, and I'm just no fun to be around. I don't know if this has anything to do with me growing up alone but when I get like this I don't like being around anyone. There is no timetable for how long this mood lasts or how often this happens but it randomly comes an goes and I can't control it. What is wrong with me??? Well at least I have identified that it is me with the problem and not the world, so hopefully I can learn to control this behavior and fix it for good. I think I feel a little better now that I have written about it but I'm not sure yet.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...