Just me...

I have no support system. I have nobody to talk to, nobody to confide in. There is nobody to go to when I want to vent, or when I need help with my problems. So what do I do??? I just talk to myself...

You know my story. I'm not close to anyone. The situation with not knowing my father, and how I held a grudge against my mother for it. Not growing up with any brothers or sisters, and not having any other family I could talk to. I have a lot of acquaintances, but only 3 real friends. Two of them are in prison. When me and the other friend speak, he does most of the talking, and it usually about sports. We do have other conversations about life, but not my life, and not my issues specifically.

So here I am, same as it has always been. It's just me. I'm just a man, trying to figure out things all on my own... all as I go. I can count the amount of people I have truly opened up to on my thumbs, and those relationships are all but over. I just don't feel comfortable with just anyone knowing my thoughts and problems. So if I handle a situation poorly, or make a bad decision, I apologize. I am trying... but I am a work in progress. Through it all please remember... it's just me.

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Stay...

Don't leave me. I know I was stupid, and I know I did you wrong. Our relationship is the most important thing in my life, and now I realize it. You are so precious. I can't believe I took you for granted, and never took advantage of you the way I should have. It makes me mad when I think about how I did you wrong, and how I managed our relationship so poorly. I wish I could make it up to you, but I know I will never have that opportunity. So we just move on...

Despite all of that, you were still so good to me. You always kept me fresh, kept me young. I seen you take a toll on some people… stress out others… but I never let you get to me like that. I mean I knew you were important, but the best moments in my life were when I didn't have to worry about you. I would always have fun, be careless, and do my own thing, because I felt like you would always be there for me. I felt like I could always make up with you at some point or another. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Going through life, I started to observe your relationship with others. It made me more conscious of how delicate our relationship was, and made me realize I needed to treat you better. Even though there were moments I would look at you, and you would make me do something I didn't want to do, I still loved you. We would be hand in hand, and then you would leave me. I knew you got around, but I always knew you would come back. I and everyone else had no choice but to kind of accept it. We all played by your rules. One moment you will be around, be abundant showing a lot of love... and then the next moment, you would be up and gone. I couldn't get mad because that's what you do.

I will never forget when you were with my friend Bradley. You two were good together! Brad was the man. Everyone loved and respected him. He was a little reckless, but aren't we all at a young age? I guess you didn't like that. After he got shot, you cheated on him. I wish you would have given him more of yourself, so he could have tried to change and make things better. That's not your style though. You were stubborn, you were cold, and you left him forever.

Tramell misses you too. When we write, he talks about you a lot. You were taken from him, and he hates that. He even fought to get you back, but unfortunately he lost. He said no amount of money, women, or anything else is in this world is worth giving up for you. I wish you and him could just have one day alone together. There is a possibility that one day you and him will re-unite, but unfortunately that day won't be for a long, long while.

As for me... you made me mature, and I thank you for that. You taught me a lot. In a way, me wasting my early experiences with you was good. It made me appreciate you, and helped shape me into who I am today. It helped me understand how to handle you, and helped me prepare for what I hope is a long future together. I know a long future together isn't promised, so you also influence me to live for the day. I realize you are everything to me. I also realize my whole existence is basically nothing to you. That's OK with me though, I have come to accept it. I try to keep up with you the best I can, even though sometimes it seems like you are flying. I'm good for now, but I know the day will come when I can't keep pace, and you will pass me by.

Time… you are of the essence. Thank you for giving some of yourself... to hear me out.

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Wow...

Try to digest this for a second...

Astronomy and space have always been fascinating to me. I have soooo many questions. I have come to realize that I will probably not get any answers in my lifetime, and that's ok. But I wonder...

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Progress vs. Profit

About a month ago I made a post entitled People, technology, and the quality of life. It focused on the technologies in life that made things easier, but at the same time also made us miss out on experiences and benefits I felt were necessary in making a well rounded individual. This post is the flip side to that.

The human race is very smart. The human race is also very greedy. When it comes to certain industries in the United States and around the world, what is their real motivation? Developing the best possible product for the benefit of man, or… money?

When pharmaceutical companies develop medicine, is there ultimate goal to cure people? Cure diseases? Or is it to help people stay alive long enough to be able to buy more medicine? When was the last time we cured anything anyway?

Do we really need gas? I don't think we do. I am sure that there is some technology out there man has discovered that make's our cars run without it. Will that technology ever be released? Sure it will. As soon as man has made as much money as possible, and all of our natural resources are gone, all of a sudden some miraculous new technology will be "discovered".

Why when I buy any type of electronic device, without fail, 6 months later something more advanced will come out? Did they not know about this advanced feature that I have to have to have six months ago? Or did they want me to buy the latest and greatest then… and now?

I could go on and on but you get the point. It just pains me that we as people would rather hold back intentionally for profit, then to use all of our resources and intelligence to go all out for progress. Does anyone do anything for the greater good anymore, or is everything we do about money? Sadly enough… I think I know the answer. Damn.

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All American...

My friend and Allentown's own Darnell Braswell has been named a 2008-2009 Division III first team All American. Darnell led his DeSales mens's basketball team to a league title, as well as an elite 8 appearance in the DIII tournament, which is a the farthest the school has ever gone. The shooting guard averaged 16.8 ppg and 7.8 rpg, but the numbers were just part of the story. His competitiveness and heart raised the level of play of his teamates to heights they might have not achieved without him.

Darnell is not only a great basketball player, he is an even better young man. He is a hard worker, always positive, and has outstanding character. Being a little older, I was able to see him evolve from a kid dribbling a ball at the bottom of the hill on 12th st, to becoming a key member of one of the best basketball team's in Allen High School's history, and now being named a collegiate All-American. I have also had the opportunity to play with and against him during summer leagues, which is always fun. I just wanted to make this post to recognize this wonderful achievement by a great young man. Darnell is only a junior, so you can expect more great things from him next season.

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The Green Family...

Growing up I would always hear a lot about them, even though they didn’t live on my block. The family consisted of five boys named George, Johnny, "A", Al, and Drew, an uncle(I forget his name), and the father whose name is Ben. My mother knew the family, but they weren’t really all that close. They would come visit her sometimes, but wouldn’t stay that long. George would actually come to visit me on my birthdays and sometimes even Christmas, but he wouldn't stay long enough for me to even remember who he was.

Everyone always used to say getting to know the family was important. My mother said the family liked people who were educated. She said I should do well in school, because that will help me build a strong, long lasting relationship with them. She said everybody needed them. She would get sad and act kind of funny when they weren't around. That behavior was kind of weird to me, because I mean me and my friends didn't really know the family, but we were still happy??? We would laugh, we would play, and we weren't worried about getting to know some family who didn't want to be with us. My friends also said there parents had similar feelings towards them. We were kids, we were young, and we just didn't quite understand.

When I was about 13 or 14, I got formally introduced to the boys. My friends always used to play games to determine who the boys would hang out with the most. We would roll dice, play cards, and do almost anything else just to determine who they would stay with. I finally started to understand why everyone wanted to hang with the family. They had the hook up! They took care of a lot of things for you. They could get you sneakers, nice clothes, and they could take you wherever you wanted to go. Even the girls thought you were cooler if you hung with them. The more we hung out and the more we got to know each other, the more I wanted them to stay. Even though we were kind of like friends, we never really got too close. I was too immature, too irresponsible to keep them around. So when I acted careless, they would leave me. When I would realize it, they would already be gone.

As I got older, I started to see how hanging with the Green family became more serious. That’s when I met the father, Ben. Ben was the man, the most powerful and influential member of the family. He was always talked about on TV, on the streets, everywhere. People would lie, cheat, steal, sell drugs, even kill… just so they would have to opportunity to hang with Ben. My best friend wanted to hang with Ben so bad, that he tried to go into the Green residence to kidnap him. He ended up getting caught and went to jail for it. My mother always told me you had to earn your relationship with the family, you couldn't just take it. The Green family was tricky. They kind of had a way of making people think you needed them more that you really did. It wasn’t really there fault though, because they were manipulated by the media and by society in general. Some people kind of get this false sense of entitlement if they have a long relationship with the family. I see people all of the time sacrificing time with there families and loved ones, just so they could work to obtain a stronger bond with the Green's. I mean is this relationship what life is all about?

Now the Green family was cool(especially Ben) and I like when they are around, but going all out for them was never that serious to me. I don’t let my relationship with them consume me, or stress me out like I see it do to others. I have seen it indirectly take over a lot of people’s lives. I am conscious of that, and won't let it take over my own. I have built a strong enough bond to be able to call on them when I need them, but us being close isn’t my ultimate motivation. My relationship with them doesn’t make me who I am. They don’t make me cool. I am cool all by myself. I hate when I see people sacrifice there dignity, time with loved ones, or even there freedom, just for a chance to be closer with them. While we all should all take care of our relationship with the Green family, we should also realize that our other relationships with our own family and friends are the ones that are most important, and at the end of the day the most valuable.

Browsing the pictures of my computer, I was able to find a picture of the Green family portrait I saved...

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

People, technology, and the quality of life...

The quality of life isn’t what it used to be. People aren’t what they used to be. People aren’t as well rounded as they used to be… or should I say as they used to HAVE to be. I love technology, and while I feel like there are many obvious benefits in the advancement in technology, there are also many not so obvious drawbacks. Technology has made people lazy. Some of the ways technology is used has kind of taken away from the "authenticity" of life. If a lot of technologies just suddenly disappeared, a lot of people wouldn’t know how to survive. They wouldn’t know what to do. Try to understand what I am trying to say...

When there was no TV, man had to do be creative in what they did to occupy there time. More time was spent reading, in conversation, and participating in activities. This time made people’s relationships better, got people more educated, kept people in better shape, and created an overall more thorough human being. Now people spend hours on end sitting in front of this tube, watching this fantasy world to entertain themselves. Think of all of the things we lose out on by doing this. I am not even going to go into how we are manipulated by news networks. That is an entire different topic for a different time. Think about how many people you know who sit there toddlers in front of the TV all day, instead of reading to them, drawing with them, or just talking to them??? How many kids do you know who would rather sit in there room and play video games on a bright sunny day, instead of going outside to play a sport, or just play with other kids??? When did this become acceptable??

People don't even have to know how to cook anymore. There is a fast food restaurant five minutes away from wherever you are reading this from. With the advancement of the internet, you might even be reading this in a restaurant. With this fast paced world being what it is, who has time to cook? Now with every other piece of advancing technology, this can be good in moderation. Leave it to the people of our generation to take advantage of this convenience and just stop cooking all together. And no... TV dinners and pre-made oven pizza doesn't count as cooking.

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Dating has even changed. On social networking sites such as Facebook and Myspace, you don't even need to leave home to meet people. You create your own profile which consists of putting up personal pictures, adding your likes and dislikes, and pretty much giving a full description of yourself. Now this can be good, because it may give people the opportunity to meet who may have not have met otherwise, but there is just something about seeing someone in person, knowing absolutely nothing about them, and having the courage to introduce yourself and start a conversation. With this new way of "meeting" people, you can actually mold yourself into being compatible with someone by viewing and adjusting your personality to coincide with that persons self described profile. I don't totally knock it, but the whole idea does seem kind of weird to me.

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Remember those ice-breaking phone conversations after meeting someone of the opposite sex? Nah... we don't need those anymore. We have text messaging for that! Remember the feeling of dialing every digit except the last one of a girls phone number, then hanging up the phone because you were nervous knowing you were actually going to be speaking to her? Now with text messaging, you can have a whole conversation, ask all of those tough questions, all without actually having to speak to the person! Again, I think there is something wrong with that.

Now I will be the first to admit, in some way, shape, or form I am guilty of some of these things. I have become conscious of my actions, and I am trying to better myself. I want to be a well rounded human being. The easy way isn't always the best way. I think we all need to raise the status quo up. I am going to start with myself.

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A New Day...

So the moment in my life that I never thought was going to happen... happened. I am not going to go into details about what transpired, or give my feelings on the situation. Some things you just have to keep for yourself. All I am going to say is that after 28 years, I finally met my father. It feels good to finally get some closure, and at the same time start a new chapter in my life. I feel relieved more than anything. Here is a photo, only one of two of me and him together.

The rest of my time in San Antonio was cool. My friend Shannon came with me. My sisters are some cool, thorough woman. I really like them. They took me to the Riverwalk, the Alamo, and showed me a really good time. Shannon told me my sisters remind him of me. I seen some similarities in appearance and personality too. It's crazy. I am going to try to make the most of those relationships. Next I have to meet my brothers. I actually met my fathers youngest son who is 3 years old. Yes... 3(three) years old. I gave him a couple dollars. The path of discovering who I am took a positive turn this weekend, and I am thankful for it.

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The man... the myth...

I have had a great life. I have been a lot of places, had a lot of great experiences, and built many long lasting relationships. Despite all of the good that I have been able to experience, there has always been something missing. I never knew who my father was. Well after 28 years, all of that is about to change. In about 24 hours, I am going to be getting on a plane to go meet my biological father.

I never thought this would happen. For me, my father always has been like a mystery… a myth. I mean I knew he had to exist, but I felt it was the question I would never have the answer to. It ranked up there with the mystery of GOD and the assassination of Kennedy. My mother wasn’t exactly open about the situation. She definitely had some hard feelings, because when I would ask her about him, she would always say she didn’t want to talk about it. The times she did give me any information she would say he was a good athlete, but he wasn’t a good man. After that, I was only left with the name on my birth certificate.

So growing up, I was so confused. I was a light skinned black kid with a white mother in a mostly minority neighborhood. It was tough. I mean I was black, but nobody in my family was black. I was even sometimes mistaken for being puerto-rican(I still get that too). All of my knowledge and interaction with black people took place in my community, not in my home. Now don’t get it twisted, my mother and the rest of my white family did a great job raising me. My grandfather is the greatest man I have ever met. My mother instilled morals in me, and was the best example of hard work, sacrifice, and humility anyone could ever ask for. But there was always that other side, that unknown I was missing. When I was a kid in school people used to always ask me what was up with my father. I came up with every story in the book, because I had no idea. I would tell some people he was in jail for selling drugs, or was in a Military prison for shooting someone, or that he died. As I got older I stopped making up stories and just settled on the fact that I never knew.

Not knowing who my father wore on me more and more as I got older. I mean I was married, had two children of my own, but I still didn’t really know who I was or where I really came from. There were times where I would put the thought of not knowing my father in the back of my mind, but there were other times where it would come to the forefront and tear me apart inside. Part of me didn’t even want to know, but the other part of me made me feel like I had to know. I didn’t want to live my whole life and never find out who my father was. What if he would die and I never had the opportunity to speak to him? What if he was already dead? There were so many questions… and no answers. I would again confront my mother and this time she basically told me everything she knew, which wasn’t really all that much. I mean she gave me some possible locations, an age, and left it to me from there.

So I would again struggle with myself back and forth whether I should or shouldn’t try to find my father. I got some valuable encouragement from a few people. They told me I shouldn’t be scared of what I would find, and that I should just do it. For that… I am forever grateful. So one day I just had enough. I sat at my computer and told myself today is the day. It was a Thursday. I would sit at work that day, use my resources and internet savvy, in hopes of trying to find my father. I searched a few people finder sites. There were quite a few people who shared his name. There were some that would list the name, age, location, previous addresses, people who he may be associated with, and there age, all for free. So I found one of a man who lived in San Antonio, TX, and was 48 years old. This matched the information my mother gave me. When I looked at the people who were listed that he could possibly be associated with, there was one who had a very distinct name. So I put that name in Google, and the first thing that came up was a Facebook account. When I clicked on the link, it was the picture of a 26 year old black woman. HMMMmmmm. So what I did was I created a Facebook account, and wrote her this long email telling her my story. I told her about my mom, how she met my father while she was in the army, that they were stationed in Texas, Boston, and every other little piece of information I could think of. So after I sent this email I took a look at the friends this woman had, and there were two other black women who had the same last name as my father. So I said you know what, I am going to send them the same email I sent to the first girl. So I sent it, and after only a few minutes, one of the girls emailed me back. A lot of the information I provided sounded to her like her father. So that whole afternoon we emailed each other back and forth collaborating information, and everything kind of came together. She called her mother that night, she spoke to him, and he confirmed it. I found my father.

All of that happened last March. I went from being an only child, to having 8 brothers and sisters. All of this was so overwhelming to me. I spoke to my father for the first time on that Saturday. I told him I didn’t want him to be my father. I didn’t want any money or any advice. I just wanted to find him and find out who he is because that would help me better understand who I am. His opportunity to actually be my father was long gone. Our conversation was so surreal. I was talking to the man who I wasn’t sure even existed. My conversations with his children were all very interesting. It turns out one time or another he did the same thing to them that he did to me. They understood what I was going through. They talked to me and tried to make me feel comfortable about my situation. I ended up talking to my father 2 or 3 times after the first time, and that was it.

So now I am here. I have to meet him. I just have to get it over with. I have no expectations. Hopefully he won’t try to give me any advice or any sob story about him trying to find me. Two of his children will also be there so it will be cool getting to meet them too. My best friend is going with me to give me some support. I am excited. I am nervous. I am anxious. I just want to get it over with. I need to do this so I can achieve some inner peace. This will be a big step in my relentless pursuit of piece of mind. I don’t know what is going to happen, but we will see. I will keep you updated.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

In six minutes...

...I will be officially finished with night shift.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...