It's ok...

I went to Olive Garden last night. They had this meat and pasta all you can eat special for 9.99. It was delicious. I had three servings. I ate two of them, but the third ended up being just too much for me. Since I couldn't finish, I decided I would save the rest to take to work.

Earlier today when I went on break, I ate the rest of the food. It tasted just as good as it did last night. It was angel hair pasta, mixed with five cheese marinara sauce and some meatballs. The pasta was still soft and the meatballs were still juicy. I washed it all down with some ice cold water. I was good.

So I go back to my desk, and proceed to browse the internet like I always do. After a couple of minutes, my stomach started rumbling and making noise. I had just finished eating, so I know my stomach wasn't trying to tell me I was hungry. After a few more minutes and a few more rumbles, I realized what was going on. I had to take a shit.

I remained cool. I looked down at the clock, and saw that I had four hours left in my shift. I told myself to be strong, and just wait it out until I got home. I had done it before. I tried to do whatever I could to keep my mind off the the feeling I was feeling. I got back on the internet. It was a slow sports day, and ESPN.com didn't have anything going on. Nothing good on CNN either. Every once in a while I would get that feeling of discomfort in my stomach, and I would have to tighten up my whole body until the feeling went away. I tried to sit in different positions, but no matter how I sat, that feeling would return. Time was going so slow. Each minute that passed felt like an hour. I joined my coworkers conversation thinking that would help, but I remained uneasy. While we were all talking, my stomach rumbled and made a noise. I immediately started beat-boxing, so they wouldn't be able to tell it was my stomach that was making the noise. So embarrassing. At this point I was hot, I was sweating, and I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go and I had to go NOW. I stood up, looked at my phone like I was getting an important phone call, and walked away as fast as I could.

I didn't go to the closest bathroom, because I didn't want anyone to see me. I ended up going to one that was all the way in the back of the building. I ran in, and I was happy to see that it was empty. I go to one of the stalls, and quickly put some toilet paper on the seat. Even though the janitors keep the bathrooms very clean, there was no way I was going to let my skin touch the seat. I sit down, and this feeling of relief comes over me. I made it.

While I am sitting there taking care of business, somebody walks in. Now I thought this was a bathroom nobody went to, but I guess I was wrong. I just so happened to be wearing some limited edition Kobe Bryant sneakers, which are white, black, and bright yellow. If somebody would see those sneakers, they would know it was me. So as soon as I heard the door open, I put my feet up. Whoever came in just so happened to sit in the stall right next to me. I faked a cough, just to let them know someone was there. They didn't seem to care though, because they sat right down and started doing their thing. They were grunting and making noises like they were in their bathroom at home. Even though I was done, I decided to let them finish before I got up. So here I am sitting uncomfortably in this tight stall with my feet up, sweating, waiting for this other person to finish. Since they were taking their time, I decided that I was going to just make a break for it. So I cleaned myself up, and walked out of the stall to quickly wash my hands. When I started walking, I realized my leg was asleep! I get to the sink and turn on the water, and just kind of stand there because my leg is still numb. By that time I hear a flush, and the person who was sitting next me comes out of the bathroom. I knew the person. It was actually an older gentleman I used to work with. He looks at me and says, "how about those Giant's." We proceed to engage in a little small talk while washing our hands, then he tells me to have a good day and walks out.

All of a sudden everything was alright. I stopped sweating. My leg was no longer numb, and I didn't have that uneasy feeling in my stomach anymore. The gentleman who came in actually made me feel good about the decision I had made. At that moment, it was officially ok to take a shit at work. I have come to the realization that I am human, it is natural, and I shouldn't be embarrassed. Sure work may not be the best most desirable place to take a shit, but you gotta go what you gotta do sometimes.

So I get back to my desk and one of my coworkers says to me... "you ran out of here pretty fast and were gone for a while, is everything alright??? " I looked down at my phone and said, "yeah... long phone call." I know I lied. I was now comfortable enough to take a shit at work, but I still wasn't comfortable enough to admit it.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Struggle...

Growing up was a struggle.
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When I was a child, there was a period from when I was like 10 until I was like 14 where we didn't have cable in my home. When I turned on the TV, all I saw was a big blue screen. It was embarrassing. I tried to do whatever I could to make sure people didn't find out I didn't have cable. This was one of the reasons I didn't like having my friends come over to my house. In the instances when they did come over, there would already be a movie in the VCR. It would either be House Party, The Program, or Above the Rim, because those were the only movies I had. When my friends would sit down to watch TV, what I would do was press play on the VCR, and THEN I would turn on the TV. So when the TV would come on, the movie would already be playing. I would then say "let's just watch this."

Around that same time is when the TV show "The Simpson's" became popular for kids my age. Well again I didn't have cable, so unless I was at a friends house, I didn't get to watch it. I remember the Simpson's would air on Sunday nights, and every Monday morning at school that episode would be the hot topic of discussion. So on the playground before school, the kids would all be gathered around talking about what happened. I would be there laughing and nodding my head as if I saw the episode too. As the morning went on, I would hear the specifics of the episode over and over again. By the time lunch rolled around, I had heard the description of the episode so many times, that I would end up being the one giving it. I would break it down so good, that nobody would have ever been able to tell that I didn't have cable.

Cable wasn't the only thing I didn't have growing up. As I already mentioned, I didn't really like having people over at my house. Cable was one reason, but another was our water situation. The water in our bathtub wouldn't go down when we took a shower, and our toilet was all messed up. What we did was turn the main line of water in the house off, unless we were taking a shower or we had to go to the bathroom. When we took a shower, the water would fill up in the tub. So we only had a few minutes to wash up before the water was up to our knees. To get the water out, we had to fill a bucket up with water, and one by one dump the water down the toilet until the tub was empty. I hated doing that, especially at 7am before school.

If I had a friend over and they had to go to the bathroom, while they would be walking upstairs, I would be running downstairs to turn the water on. While they would be doing their thing, I would be waiting right outside the door for them to finish. Reason being is that if you flushed the toilet and waited too long, the toilet would overflow. What you had to do was lift off the back of the toilet and take out this ball so the the water could pass through it. There would be times where someone would go to the bathroom, flush the toilet, then take their time washing their hands and looking in the mirror. After all of the that time passed, the toilet would inevitably overflow. They would be like, "yo your toilet is overflowing." I would be right in the hallway acting like I didn't know what was going on, but in the back of my mind I'm telling myself, "of course it is overflowing, you took too long!" Embarrassing.
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As I mentioned in previous instances before, food was always an issue growing up. I used to eat liver and lima beans. Liver is so nasty, but it was either eat liver, or don't eat anything at all. We didn't have much money, so liver was one of the only things my mom could afford. Before I used to take a bite , I would hold my breathe so I wouldn't have to taste it(I would still be able to taste it a little bit though). There would be all kinds of meals my mom would "manufacture" just so we wouldn't be hungry. I used to eat spam, corned beef, eggs, and anything else that was cheap for dinner. Somehow, someway, my mom could make 25 dollars in food keep us fed for a whole week.
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When the little food we had was almost gone, we had to really get creative. I would go to kitchen every couple of minutes, open up the refrigerator and all of the cabinets, just to see if there was something I may have overlooked in my previous searches for food. When I realized nothing was going to magically appear, I used to make mayonnaise sandwiches, bread with just the spices from the cabinet, and my favorite made up snack... pineapple-cheese bread. We would get food from the food bank, and in some instances the food we were given would include pineapples. Me and my mom had the idea of putting cheese on a piece of toast, and then putting a slice of pineapple on it. That creation turned out to be a delicacy in our home.
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We hardly ever went out to eat. The only times I went to McDonald's were the times my grandfather would take me, and those times were few and far between. We did go to the dinners at the food bank though. I remember a couple days before Christmas on December 18Th 1993(I will NEVER forget that day), me and my mother went to this food bank dinner that was in the basement of a church. Before everyone ate, they had a prayer that they did. During the prayer, they asked if anyone wanted to accept GOD, or something along those lines. Well me and my mother already had our eyes closed and our heads down, and we thought that raising our hands is what everyone else was doing. We thought it was kind of like a prerequisite we had to complete before eating. Well as it turns out, we were the only people with our hands up. So they made us stand up in front of everyone, put our hands on the bible, and repeat a few words that they spoke. They hugged us, everyone clapped, and they gave us two little wooden crosses to commemorate the moment. As embarrassing as that moment was, the meal we ate afterward made it all worth while.
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Growing up, I definitely wasn't the fly kid on the block. I used to have two pair of Lee jeans (one black, one blue), a pair of khaki's, and a bunch tee-shirts. I had a few of those 3 for $10 dollar t-shirts with those gangster guys on them. If you grew up in the 90's, you know what I'm talking about. Ironically, I also had a few Bart Simpson tee-shirts too. Sprinkle in a few items from the second hand shop, and that was my wardrobe. In 7th grade, I was around the same height as my mom. She had this one pair of jeans that I kind of liked. They were Bill Blass womens jeans. I didn't care though, I felt like if I rocked them nobody would notice. My mom used to leave for work before I left for school. When she was gone, I would find those jeans and wear them. I used to have to wear a long t-shirt with them though, because they had Bill Blass written on the edge of the pocket. Nobody ever knew.
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My sneakers were always beat. Around that time, Air Jordan's were the sneakers every young kid wanted. No matter how bad my mother wanted to get me a pair, she couldn't afford them. I can't even front I used to envy the kids at school who had the new Jordan's. I remember my homeboy Sheldon came to school rocking the Carmine 6's, and I couldn't take my eyes off of them things. They were mean. I had some Magic Johnson Converse, some Patrick Ewing Adidas, or whatever else was on sale and under 30 dollars at the time. I used to try to tell myself those players were good and my shoes were cool, but I was lying to myself and I knew it.
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Then there were my haircuts. Haircuts at the barbershop cost money. Jasper used to give me these messed up bowl cuts for free. He eventually gave me a pair of clippers, and I started to cut my own hair. I used to put these crazy parts in my head, make myself bleed, and just give myself overall bad haircuts. If I would mess up my hair too bad, I would just cut it all off and try again when it grew back.
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My mom used to always tell me that even though we struggled, if we stayed positive and worked to better our situation, that we would see progress. She told me there is no easy way out. Getting money by selling drugs, or any other illegal means would eventually catch up with you. The easy way isn't always the best way. As always, my mother was right. After years of trying, she found a better paying job, and things eventually improved. We got our toilet fixed. We got the tub fixed. We got cable. We still had mayonnaise on our sandwiches, but now it would be accompanied by meat. She got me some decent clothes, and when I was in 12th grade she even got me my first pair of Air Jordan's. We were seeing progress.
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When I really think back on it though, things weren't really all that bad to begin with. I mean even though we struggled, we made it through with what we had. Sure I didn't have cable, but did I really need cable? Not having cable was actually more beneficial to me than having cable. It forced me to go outside, play sports, and interact with others. Sure our water leaked and that was a problem, but at least we had water. The tub never fell through the ceiling like we thought it would. Our water got hot, our toilet flushed, and the water eventually went down. I mean yea we had to do a little extra to make it work, but we made it work. Yes the taste of liver was nasty. Yes it was embarrassing carrying food home in boxes, and embarrassing eating holiday meals next to homeless people. I always had a meal though. So what if I didn't have the newest shoes, or the newest clothes. The clothing I had may have not been cool, and may not have met the standards of our materialistic society, but at least I had clothes. I was always warm in the winter. And so what if I had bad haircuts. After a few years, I became really good at cutting hair. So good in fact, that I still cut my own hair to this day.
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When I talk about my struggles, it is not because I want pity. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I talk about them because they make me laugh. They make me proud. I talk about these things because it may give someone who is going though a struggle a little hope. There was a time in my life when I was so ashamed to admit some of the things I have been through. Now that I am an adult and lived through those struggles, I realize that I wouldn't have wanted to grow up any other way. Those struggles made me who I am today. Those struggles made me strong. They humbled me. They conditioned me to be mentally tough. They help me appreciate the little things most people take for granted. Those struggles are the reasons I volunteer my time. They are the reasons I give my old clothes to the Salvation Army. I know how much it helps, because I come from the other side of that struggle. I feel like no matter what struggles I may encounter in my life today, I can overcome them. I feel like I can't be broken.
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The great African American abolitionist Fredrick Douglass once said... "there is no progress without struggle. " Now that I think about it, my mom kind of said the exact same thing. They were both absolutely right. Thanks guys.
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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

The Program...

Not many people understand what it takes to run a high school basketball program, especially at an inner city school. I wanted to take this opportunity to give some insight on what it is really like.

From the outside looking in, it seems easy. It seems like all you have to do is get the kids in shape, teach them some plays, and watch them perform on gameday. In reality, it is so much more than that. There are so many different situations that have to be dealt with, even before the kids step on the court. A lot of these kids come from low income, single parent households. A lot of these kids come with baggage. When these kids become a part of the program, you not only become their coach, but you become their counselor, mentor, academic advisor, and father figure. They really become your kids.

In my 3 years on the staff, we have dealt with all kinds of situations. Babysitting is always a big issue. In one instance, we had a kid who had the responsibility of watching his little brothers and sisters as a 10Th grader. His mom worked a middle shift, just so the family could remain poor. Yea... remain poor. There was no dad in the house, so it was on him to watch them, feed them, and make sure all of their homework was done. He was a good kid who was very soft spoken, and a very hard worker on the basketball court. He never took for granted the opportunity to be a part of a high school program, and it showed in the effort and energy he played with. He loved it. He was the type of player and the type of kid every coach would want on their team. Well one day I get a phone call, saying he was caught in school with multiple bags of weed. It's sad because I know he was a good kid, who was kind of forced into that situation. He felt like it was his responsibility to provide for his little brothers and sisters, by any means necessary. He ended up being off the team, out of school, and in the juvenile detention. So it was left to us as coaches to try explain the situation to the rest of the kids, as well as to try educate them on the consequences of drugs and drug dealing.

That situation is one of many that I have had to deal with as a coach. We had a kid who ran away from a group home(he was later found and returned to the team). We had a kid who was forced to live in a shelter, because his mother was dealing with domestic abuse issues with her live in boyfriend. We had a kid who was released from prison, who needed permission from his probation officer to practice at certain times(he also had to wear an ankle bracelet). The issues go on... and on... and on... and on and on. Every day before practice, we have a meeting in the coaches room to discuss the practice plan for that evening. Most of the time in those meetings usually ends up being spent talking about what issues occurred in school that day, or about a situation a kid is dealing with in their personal life. There is always something.

It takes a resilient group of men to be able to handle all of these situations. Doug Snyder, Bob Freed, Mark Smurda, Mike Kaminski, and Dan Freed are just that. They are a great group of men who take on every challenge they are faced with. The salary they are paid doesn't even come close to justifying the time and sacrifice they put in when it comes to the program. When we have morning games on weekends, coaches spend their own money to get the kids breakfast bars and juice, because they know in most cases there is no food in the home. At summer league tournaments, there is always an abundance of hot dogs and drinks for the kids to enjoy. Every night after practice coaches leave with a car full of kids who have no rides home. On multiple occasions, coach Snyder(head coach) paid for all of the kids to attend college basketball games in which one of the former players from the program was playing. (He took them to see Darnell and Ray, both of which I spoke of previously). The staff participates in numerous fundraising activities to raise money for the kids to go to camps that they wouldn't have otherwise been able to afford. Anytime a kid needs anything, the staff is always there to help. That goes for every kid. The star of the varsity gets the same treatment as the worst kid on the freshman team. They will do anything to give every kid the opportunity to be successful. Not just successful when it comes to the game of basketball, but successful in life as well.

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The work doesn't stop when a kid graduates either. Coaches take former players on college visits, job interviews, and in a few instances have helped them get jobs within the school system. Just about a week ago coach Snyder actually drove one of the kids to his college campus for the move in process, because that child's parents were unavailable. The job never ends.

After all of the distractions are settled, the coaches always put a good team out on the court. Year after year the team is one of the best in the area. Whenever the coaches are questioned about the success of the team, or the success of an individual player, they give the kids all of the credit. They never mention the struggle and adversity they have to deal with on a day to day basis. It is all about the kids and the program, and not the coach. I love that. Coach Snyder has been offered jobs for him and his staff at other schools, but he always turns them down. Even though these schools have wonderful facilities and no economic issues, he stays loyal to his kids and his program. He finds it more rewarding to help our kids, which are the kids who need it the most. Not just to help them become better basketball players, but to help them become better young men.

I am honored to be a part of the program. I have picked up so much in the 3 years I have been on the staff. I learned a lot when it comes to coaching, but I also learned how to deal with multiple personalities and situations. When you see a child benefit from your influence, it makes all of the hard work and sacrifice worth while. The experience has been an invaluable one, and I look forward to being a part of the program for many years to come.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Sand...

We are like sand on the beach. We... as in me and you. Once all of the garbage on the beach is sifted away, all that's left is the sand. Once we escape all that is going on in the world, all that's left is me and you. We are molded together so we can co-exist, and after a while we begin to bond. We become one. We work with each other to form a strong foundation for something with purpose, something bigger than ourselves. We are then smoothed out and touched up for all to see. We are beautiful. We started out as sand, but we have joined together to become a sandcastle. We started out as me and you, but we have come together to become us.

When sandcastles are done right, they look great. They look strong, stable, and secure. In reality though, it is all a facade. They are fragile. They are weak. It seems like no matter how much work you put into one, they will never last. At any given moment they can collapse, or the tide could rise and make our sandcastle fall.

So why do we take so much time, and put so much effort into making sandcastles... over and over and over again... if we know they aren't built to last? There is only one reason. We do it for her. We do it for the happy little girl at the beach, who is holding a bucket and some tools, ready to help build something great. She loves sandcastles, especially the one that she completes. After all of the hard work is done and it all comes together, she gets so happy. She shows it off, takes pictures with it, and just enjoys what we worked so hard to create.

Now without fail, the sand will eventually become dry, become weak, and the sandcastle will fall. So what do we do? We rebuild it. We have to. We don't want to let her down. The little girl is so young, so beautiful, and so optimistic. We will do anything to keep her happy. Even though we know it won't last, we help her anyway. It takes a lot of time and effort to keep us together, even for a short period of time. It breaks, we rebuild, it breaks, we rebuild. We get hot, we get dry, and we get tired, but we never let her see it. We have to do our best to appear strong... for her. The smile she has when we are together, makes the hard work and sacrifice really worth it.

This process has been going on long enough. It is time for a change. I'm tired of being sand. Not tired of just me being sand, but tired of us being sand. We have to start over. We have to really start over. We need to take our time and build one last castle that is not only beautiful, but one that will last. Not just for the little girl, but for us as well. The little girls will alone isn't going to keep us together forever. We have the blueprint, we just have to tweak it. Instead of being sand, we need to become concrete. We have to make sure our foundation is strong. We have to make sure we build something that can withstand any storm, as well as withstand the test of time. We have to build something that the little girl, as well as ourselves can always admire, and always count on.

If we don't become concrete and choose to remain sand, it is going to wear us down. It is going to wear us out. We will keep crumbling, and eventually we won't have the strength or the will to rebuild what we once had. The tide will come and take what was once so promising, so beautiful and so special... and wash it all away.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Stop...

Nigger-- originally a dialectal variant of Negro, the term is a derogatory and vulgar racial slur directed primarily toward black people.

I am no civil rights leader. I'm no black panther, NAACP member, or anything else for that matter. I'm just a regular man. I still feel as a regular man, it is necessary for me to try to remind everyone of the negative meaning of this word, in hopes of having it permanently erased from our vocabulary. I'm not even going to front and act like I don't say it, because I do. I am conscious of it though, and I am trying my best to stop. We all should stop.

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It seems like our generation is so far out of touch with what happened during slavery, the civil rights movement, and almost every other event throughout history that has contributed to the oppression of black people. Black people were bought and sold. Black people were hung in public for looking at white women. Black people had to deal with segregation, police brutality, discrimination, and so many other obstacles, just for the right to be considered EQUAL. Previous generations of black people went through so many years of pain, struggle, and sacrifice... just so our generation would be able to benefit and prosper. And how do we repay them? Our generation took the main racial slur that was used to define the negative perception of black people, and flipped it into a term of endearment. How did we let this happen?

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Things have gotten so bad, that even other races feel comfortable saying the word. Latino's, Asians, and even some white people, use the word freely and with out regard. It is not just adolescents and uneducated people either, but grown professionals--even religious people who are using the word just like it was any other. Some people attempt to justify the use of the word, by justifying the context it is used in. So why are no other racial slurs used in that manner? If I would use the word honky, spick, chink, or any other racial slur in any context, people would look at me like I was crazy. So why is that one ok?

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We have to make a change. We have to. I had a recent conversation with a teacher about this issue. He told me the kids in school are too far gone, and that they use the word casually all of the time. He said it is ingrained in our youth and in their language. Now I know it may seem impossible to reverse this way of thinking, but we have to try. We owe it to past generations who dedicated their lives to granting us the freedoms and equality we have today. The same freedoms and same equality they could only dream of. We have to educate our kids, and at the same time keep reminding ourselves of the history that is behind that word. It won't be easy, but we have to make it stop. We have to.

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Winner...

The Vaqueros De Bayamon(Bayamon Cowboys) are are the 2009 champions of Puerto Rico's Baloncesto Superior Nacional(BSN) men's professional basketball league. This is the first championship for the franchise since 1996. Coincidentally, this is the first year my friend, and Allentown's own Raymond Barbosa was a member of the team.

Ray is just a flat out winner. In college, he led his UMBC team to the 2008 America East championship(the first in school history), as well as a birth in the NCAA Tournament. In high school, he led his underdog Allen Canaries to the District 11 4A title. The championship game was a 3 overtime classic, in which Allen beat heavily favored Emaus High School, who was led by current NBA player Aaron Gray.

At the high school, collegiate, and professional levels, Ray has achieved nothing but success. Like most instances of success, none of this happened by accident. He has average height and athleticism by professional basketball players standards, but his work ethic and knowledge of the game is off the charts. Nobody and I mean NOBODY works as hard as Ray. On top of that, he is very humble and very soft spoken, characteristics not many athletes of his stature can say they possess.

I am 4 years older than Ray(we have the same birthday... October 26th). I remember Ray when he was still Ray-Ray, a little kid with goggles, shooting rainbow 3 pointers at the Boy's Club. As he got older, me and the people I played basketball with (Shannon, Tramell, Shahad, Keith,Toomey) took him under our wing, and put him on our summer league teams. We all would also take part in some very competitive 2 on 2 games. We were tough on him. He also got the opportunity to hear about the mistakes we made while in college, which would prepare him when it was his turn to go. It feels good to know that those experiences kind of had a hand in Ray's development.

I remember a conversation I had with Ray before he left to go play in Puerto Rico. We were in the Allen gym, and we just got done playing 2 on 2 with some of the kids. While looking at a basketball he was holding he said, "it's amazing where this thing can take you." A few months later while I was in PR, sitting in his beachfront condo over-looking the Atlantic Ocean, I thought back to that comment and laughed. Boy was he right.

I am very happy for him. He is the perfect example of where hard work, dedication, and humility can take a person. All of these great things couldn't have happened to a more deserving person. I just wanted to make sure I personally gave him some recognition.

Keep doing your thing Ray... keep winning.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Happy Birthday Koi...

We celebrated my son's birthday on August 1st. He turned 12. We got him an xBox 360, and took him to Old Country Buffet(That's where he wanted to go).

I was 16 years old when he was born. It was the summer of 12th grade. I had NO IDEA what I was getting into. It was a constant struggle, but with the help of a lot good people, we got through it. Me and his mother aren't together, but our relationship is civil, which is great for the situation.

Koi is so cool. He is a very good athlete, but more importantly he is a good kid. Last football season he did very well, but it was his off the field conduct that impressed me the most. He was very humble. He never gets too high or too low, no matter the situation. Nothing phases Koi and I love that about him. He can accomplish anything he puts his mind to, and I will always be there to make sure he stays on course. Koi is everything I ever wanted to be, and I am just so proud to be his father. Happy Birthday Koi.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

So sad...

Yesterday I took my daughter to the park. It was just me and her. We were throwing the ball, chasing squirrels, and running around being silly. She loves going to the park. She was laughing and having a good time, just like she always does.

While we were there, I saw this girl I knew. Her son played on the same football team as my son. I don't know her to well, but we would always say what's up when we saw each other. She was walking through the park with her daughter, who is around the same age as mine. When we crossed paths I said hi, she said hello, and she kept it moving.

So me and my daughter went back to playing. The girl I said hi to got into her car, but she didn't leave. I noticed that she was watching us. Now this might be considered strange behavior to some, but I understood exactly what was going on. She was dealing with something.

About 2 months ago, the father of her children was murdered. I didn't know him too well either, but I would always see him around. I would always see him walking his son to football practice, while holding his daughters hand. She would be smiling and skipping along, as happy as could be. There would be days she didn't feel like walking, so he would carry her. I could tell he was a good dad. His son wasn't the best player in the world, but he would always give him positive encouragement that would help him though. He would always praise him for giving his best effort. When his daughter would get bored watching practice, he would run around and chase her, just to keep her entertained.

The news of his death hit me hard. It's just so sad to know that these kids father is gone forever. His son will no longer have the support from his father that he so desperately needs. Not only on the football field, but in life. His daughter will never get to skip and smile while holding hands with her daddy ever again. And now you have the their mother, who is left with the task of supporting her children financially, as well as the task of trying to fill the emotional void of her kids not having a father. One can only imagine what kind of strain and pressure this has to have on her.

So when I see her sitting in her car watching me and my daughter, I can only imagine what she is thinking. I felt like her watching us play, reminded her of the father of her children playing with her daughter. I felt like she was thinking about what used to be, and unfortunately what will never be again. I wanted to go talk to her and tell her I was sorry, but I didn't. There is nothing I could have said that would have eased her pain.

The whole situation is just so sad to me. There is no happy ending, it just is what it is. This just serves as another reminder that this world is cold, life isn't fair, and tomorrow isn't promised. Damn.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Decisions... decisions...

I have a dilemma.

As I mentioned before, I am an assistant high school basketball coach. I have been for the past 3 years. I was recently made aware that the active head freshman coach on our staff may be leaving to accept a position at the collegiate level. I was also made aware that if I wanted the freshman job, it was mine.

This is an excellent opportunity. Our school is the premiere basketball program in our area with a long and storied history. I am honored just to be part of the staff. Currently I am an assistant on the jv and varsity teams. My voice is heard, but if I were the head freshman coach, I would be the voice. I would be responsible for laying the foundation and fundamentals of the program, all while having total creative control over my own team. I would LOVE that. Another incentive is that I would be getting paid, instead of working on a volunteer basis.

Sounds great right? Well here is the problem. I have a family. I have responsibilities. Nani already doesn't like the fact that I coach. During the season when we have practice, I spend 3+ hours a night (from about 5:30pm to around 9) out of the house. On game days, it is 6+ hours. Being the head freshman coach would require me to be gone even more. That is a lot of time away from home. When I do come home, I have to go right to sleep to be awake for work at 5am. Me and Nani not spending quality time together would really put a strain on our relationship.

My daughter is starting pre-K this year. It is going to be my responsibility to pick her up at 1:30pm every day. Being the head freshman coach, there would be days where I would have to meet my team at 2pm for away games. I could have Nani's grandmother watch her, but do I really want to put that burden on her? Plus I like picking her up. I love seeing my daughters smile, and the excitement on her face when I go get her.

My son is going to be in 7th grade. This is an important stretch in his life, and he needs me. Last year his grades were average, and his behavior was about the same. He really needs my presence to help keep him in line. Sure I could bring him along, but when would he do his homework? When would he study? There will also be times when he has his own basketball games. Am I willing to miss all of those?

So that's where I'm at. I'm torn. I have the opportunity to do something I love... which is mentor kids, be a role model, coach basketball, and be a positive male minority role model in a community that desperately needs it... all while getting paid. If I choose that, I will also be delegating my responsibilities as a parent, and sacrificing valuable time away from the people I love the most. So... what do I do???

Decisions... decisions...

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Tired...

I'm tired of conflict

I'm tired of the pursuit

I'm tired of bullshit

I'm tired of media influence

I'm tired of the "cool"

I'm tired of the numbers game

I'm tired of compromising

I'm tired of the struggle

I'm tired of so much emphasis being put on things that don't even matter

I'm tired of EVERYTHING

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I'm just so tired...