My reflection...

I have had a lot of downtime at work lately. When I get tired of browsing the Internet, I just sit in silence and think. I stare at something, but what I am looking at is not what I see. I just zone out and think about any and everything. I love to just sit and reflect. This post has no direction or purpose, I am just kind of reflecting out loud.

I leave work at 6:30am, and every day while I am taking my time driving home, I see the rest of the world speeding to work. It feels good not being a part of that. Dawn is the most beautiful time of the day. Sometimes when I get home from work I don't even get out of my car right away. I just sit there. I just like being outside at dawn. It is very refreshing.

I love my family, but I also love waking up alone in complete silence. Sometimes I wake up and lay in my bed, looking at the ceiling for like five minutes just thinking about nothing. I also like waking up and going to sit in my living room to look at the pictures on my mantle. I know I can't sit there long because the responsibilities of the day await, but those quiet moments alone are precious to me. I need those moments.

I like going to the gym and listening to music. I listen to the music, I will sing along with the music in my head, but I don't actually listen to the music. I just think. I hope this is making sense and if it doesn't I'm sorry but I understand what I am trying to say. I don't know how it is possible to actually sing a song word for word all while having a totally different thought going through my mind, but I do it. I think this is why I can work out for so long because my mind goes through this process and I don't even realize what I am doing while I am doing it.

Same thing goes with basketball. I played basketball in college, and when I played my best I wasn't even thinking about the game. So much emphasis by my coaches was put on focus, but during the game I wasn't even thinking about basketball. It was like an afterthought. I would be thinking about what I am going to eat after the game, what my mom was doing, does my car need gas, and other random stuff like that. Then all of a sudden I would realize that I made a three pointer, or realize I am running a complicated offense. I would kind of wake up and tell myself, "I can't believe I am doing this," but from the outside looking in you would think I was the most focused and intense person on the court. I don't know it is kind of hard to explain.

I never realized it, but there are times where I go hours and hours without saying a word. I like it. I like being in public by myself. I like going out to restaurants by myself. When I tell people I go out to eat by myself, they look at me like I am weird, but I don't care what people think. I think going to Olive Garden in the afternoon by myself is normal. If I want some pasta or zuppa toscana, will I enjoy my meal any less if I eat it by myself? It tastes the same to me. Same thing goes with the movies. My movie watching experience is not enhanced if I do it with someone else. It is still the same movie.

I think I am done rambling for now. If you made it this far, I appreciate it.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

My first kiss...

I was sitting at work today and we were having a discussion about out first kiss, and thought this would be an interesting story to share on my blog.

This is something I will never forget. It was 1989. I was 8 years old. It was summertime. I have no idea how I got where I was, but I was in an apartment in Little Lehigh (the projects) with a kid name Chris, a girl named Jessica, and a girl named Melanie. Now all of these kids were around 11 and 12, so I felt kind of cool by just being in there presence. There was no parental supervision. We were just hanging out, listening to the record "It Takes Two" by MC Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock over and over and over again.

So all of a sudden the kid Chris decides we should play truth or dare. So I'm like whatever lets do it. We began by doing silly kid stuff and answering stupid questions. So my turn came around and I said dare. So Chris said to me... "Kiss her" while pointing to Melanie. Now even though the music was still playing and everyone was carrying on, everything just stopped for me. I couldn't hear anything, I couldn't speak, and I was just frozen. Melanie was this beautiful light skinned girl with long, wavy black hair, and a pretty smile. Never in my wildest dreams at that point in my life did I think I would have the opportunity to kiss a girl, especially a girl like her. I had never kissed a girl... I saw it on tv... but I didn't really know what to do. So while I am having this frozen moment Chris says to me, "are you going to do it." At that point I could hear the music again. I looked at Melanie and she smiled. So I said "yeah, but I have to go to the bathroom first.”

So I go to the bathroom and close the door. I am all nervous, not sure on what I was going to do. My breath smelled like Fritos, or whatever other bag of 25 cents chips I ate from Chicken’s corner store that day. I'm telling myself there is no way that I can kiss this girl with my breath smelling like this. While thinking about what I am going to do, I see a toothbrush. Yes... I did. I had no idea whose toothbrush it was, but yes I did brush my teeth with it. Desperate times cause for desperate measures. I also washed my face and hands. So now I am standing in the mirror, looking at myself like Eminem in 8 Mile, trying to encourage myself to take on this challenge. I didn't know what I was doing, she was intimidating, but it was now or never.

So I leave the bathroom, go into the bedroom they are all in, and sit on the metal radiator. It was dark, actually more dim than dark, and I swear it seemed like there was mist or smoke or something in the air. The scene was set. Chris looked at me and asked me if I was ready, and I said yea. So while I am sitting on the radiator Melanie walks up on me, and puts her face in my face. At this point "It Takes Two" is still playing in the background, and I will never forget it was at the part where Rob Base breaks it down. All I heard was "it it it it takes two to make... it it it it takes two to make... it it it it takes two to... it takes two to... it takes two to make." So I closed my eyes and I felt her lips. Her mouth was open so I opened mine. I let her kind of take the lead because like I said I didn't know what I was doing. It was slow. Her lips were soft. I felt her tongue, so I kind of gave her a little bit of mine. We developed a flow. I was locked in the moment. I was doing it! That 15 second kiss felt like it lasted forever. It was one of those moments like in the movies where the sun is rising, waves are crashing, birds are flying, people are smiling flying kites, and kids are playing. We came apart, then all of a sudden she gave me this little tap kiss which I now understand kind of validated the first real kiss. It was a success! I remember having this big cheesy smile, and so did she. I then said I had to go. I skipped all the way home from Little Lehigh up Union St, on to 9th. I'll never forget walking in the door and the show "A Different World" was just coming on. I was so excited. My life was changed forever.

So the next day I go outside to the parking lot which was like the hang out for all of the kids. I told some of my friends about the wonderful evening I had the night before, highlighted by the kiss with Melanie. So my friend Jamel I will never forget was like, "didn't you know that Melanie's was Will's girl? As soon as he said that and I mean that very instant, I looked to my right and there was Will walking up the alley. Will was like 12, pretty strong, and athletic. He kind of ran our age group of kids on the block at that time. I was no slouch, but I was young and wasn't ready to challenge him at anything. So as soon as he seen me, he started running towards me. So I got scared and took off, but I didn't get far. After taking a few steps I just felt a punch on my back which dropped me to the ground, and then from there Will proceeded to beat me up. Now while I am taking this beating, he is telling me how Chris told him everything... how I kissed Melanie... not to mess with his girl again... blah blah blah. So his arms must have gotten tired because he stopped beating me, and he just left up the alley. My scared crew then ran over to me and asked me if I was alright. I had some cuts on my knees from the parking lot gravel, some lumps on the back of my head and my back hurt, but all in all I was alright. I stood up, and all I could think about was the fact that I actually kissed Melanie. The beating was worth it.

I never really saw Melanie after that. I guess she moved away or whatever. Me and Will became cool shortly after that like all kids do. For the record, he won't dare test me now that I am grown. The whole situation was a great experience that I don't think I will ever EVER forget.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

The relationship with my girl...

It was really random. I don't know how it happened, it just kind of did. I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time, because my past experiences showed me I was irresponsible and careless towards girls feelings. Something about this girl though was different. She was young, and even though she wasn't really my type, she was kind of cute. When we met I looked into her eyes and I couldn't help but smile. I told myself, I know how these things end up, but I am just going to give her a chance and whatever happens... happens.

We would hang out a lot, and getting to know her was cool. We both have laid back personalities, but from time to time she would get a little feisty. Oddly enough, I liked that in her. She was really in tuned with my emotions. She knew when it was time to play, time to comfort me, and time to just leave me alone. We would have great conversations, even though I would do most of the talking. She would always look me in the eye, and I could tell she valued what I had to say. We would just lay and watch TV together, eat together, and I would caress her until she fell asleep. After a while, the relationship I never wanted to happen became the relationship that I couldn't live without. I fell in love with her.

It sounded all good... and for the most part it was. Along the way though like every other relationship, we had some disputes. Sometimes we would fight for no reason, we would stop communicating, and there were times I just flat out got sick of her. It even got to the point where she wanted to leave me, and she did on a few occasions. Luckily for me she came back crying every time, and I welcomed her with open arms. I hated myself for being so stubborn and making her submit to me, but I was an immature man who would always put my pride before others feelings. I was so stupid. She was my girl, and she deserved better than that. She was so good to me and at times, I kind of took her for granted. When I realized she would do anything in the world for me, it made me want to do the same for her... and more. I had to make sure she knew she was loved and appreciated. When I finally realized all of these things, we reconciled and moved forward, and it has been all good ever since.

She is a major part of my life, and she always will be. I just wanted to write a little about her so everyone would now how special she is to me. She brings out the best in me, and is greatly appreciated. I love you Fiona. Thank you. If you don't know Fiona aka Fi-Fi, here is a picture of her below...

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

1/27/2009 4:04am EST

I haven't done any blog entries in a while. I haven't really done much of anything recently. I don't know what is wrong with me, but sometimes I get moody and I distance myself from everyone and everything. Sometimes I just feel so angry, sad, and frustrated for no apparent reason. I just want to stay home and sleep or just be by myself. I don't answer my phone, casual conversations lead to arguments, and I'm just no fun to be around. I don't know if this has anything to do with me growing up alone but when I get like this I don't like being around anyone. There is no timetable for how long this mood lasts or how often this happens but it randomly comes an goes and I can't control it. What is wrong with me??? Well at least I have identified that it is me with the problem and not the world, so hopefully I can learn to control this behavior and fix it for good. I think I feel a little better now that I have written about it but I'm not sure yet.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

It's Official...

Barack Obama is officially the 44th President of the United States. I don't even know what to say. I will make an another post when it sinks in but for now... I will just enjoy the moment.

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Happy Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

Today is the day we celebrate the life of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. He of course is the Nobel Piece Prize winner who led the civil rights movement, focusing on ending racial segregation and discrimination. He was such an eloquent speaker who was able to spread and convey his message without using violence, which at the time was unheard of. His leadership and sacrifices changed the consciousness of an entire nation, no matter the race or gender. His efforts have enabled my generation to take full advantage of all the opportunities he could only dream about. We should never take for granted the freedoms we have today, and pay homage to the ones who paved the way for us. There is no coincidence my daughter has the initials M.L.K. Thank you Dr. King for dedicating your life for the prosperity of your people, and I will continue to spread your message and honor your memory.

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Text message etiquette...

So I received a text message from one of my friends today(I will not be naming names), and it said... "R u goin to da gym 2day." Now one of my pet peeves are these meaningless abbreviations and "alternatives" for words that are being used. So looking at this message I am asking myself, why is this how some people choose to text message? Does this save them time? Do they not respect me enough that they think it is ok to send me an informal message of sorts? Am I just being petty? I mean if you look at what they are saying, it would only take a few more letters for them to spell the whole original word. It seems to me that it would be more difficult to come up with different ways of spelling words than using the original word. Thinking about it for the rest of the day and night, I have come to the conclusion that with text messaging it is anything goes. I will try not to be as anal as I am about it now. I was being petty, but I still hate it. /end rant

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6 years...

Today is my 6 year anniversary at work. I feel privileged to be able to have a job and have been able to keep it, especially since how things are going with the economy. I am not rich nor am I well off, but I am able to take care of my family which is what is most important to me. I have benefits, a 401k, and a savings. I am very thankful.

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Power...

So the other day, me and my daughter were watching the movie Monsters INC. This one my all time favorite movies. The film is colorful, vibrant, and exciting. The storyline is just as good. With all children's films there is always an underlying message, which is what I eventually want to talk about.
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The story takes place in a city full of monsters. The city is powered by children's screams, which were manufactured at the local scream factory. The monsters work on an assembly line of doors which lead to children's bedrooms. It is the monsters job to go in the rooms, scare the children, and bottle up the energy given off by the screams. These screams were the energy source of the entire city. Over time, the supply of screams could not meet the demand that was needed to power the city. There weren't enough screams to power cars, homes, and pretty much everything else. The quality of life in the city was severely affected.
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The main part of the plot focuses on a little girl who accidentally enters the monsters world by walking through one of the doors in the assembly line. One of the good monsters finds the girl, and vows to protect her until he can find her door and send her back home. One of the not so nice monsters finds out about her, and makes it his mission to capture her and put her into a machine that manufactures screams.
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The rest of movie includes exciting chase scenes, which are both funny and suspenseful. Ultimately, the good monster gets the girl back through her door and into her room where she is safe. While in the room the monster trips and falls over some of the little girls toys. She sees this and she starts laughing hysterically. All of a sudden, there is an amazing amount of energy that comes over the room. The monster notices this, and makes the child laugh again. There again is a massive amount of energy in the room. The monster figures out that the child's laughs are much more powerful, and much easier to obtain than the child's screams. They eventually turn the scream factory into a laugh factory, resources become abundant, and the city is saved.
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Now I know on the surface this seems like just another cartoon movie for children, but the overall message is one that everyone can benefit from. The power of being positive is so much more beneficial, and so much more resourceful than the power of negativity. I see people every single day who have a negative outlook on life, making things that much harder for themselves. If we as people remain optimistic and look at things from a positive perspective, we can individually and collectively overcome and achieve so much more.

Don't just take it from me... take it from the monsters.

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2009

Thankfully I was lucky enough to make it to another year. I spent New Year's Eve in church with my family. Everyone always asks me, "why church, you don't even believe in the church?" Well I don't... but my family is there, the people at the church are really good people, and I like being in a calm, controlled environment at the turn of the year. The drinking and the party thing doesn't do it for me. I feel the turning of the year is a time to be relaxed and just reflect on life, and to appreciate the things I have been able to get through. It is really a humbling time for me. I don't do the whole resolution thing either, but the new year does bring a renewed focus on all of the things I need to improve on. Hopefully everyone had a good time however you chose to celebrate, and may 2009 be a prosperous and healthy year for you.

OK that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...