My name is Kyle James Kostic.

It is January 18, 2019... at 9:49am. It has been over 10 years since my first post on this blog. My daughter had a middle school varsity basketball game last night. I took the bus. I have a California drivers license. I just drove Latrell to school. I do not own a car. Later I might cut Quron and Kavon's hair. I might even get my hair braided. Cheese has this thing called Instagram, and "likes" to "go live" on it all of the time.

A lot of things in my life have changed since I began writing on this space.

A lot of things have also remained the same.

If you are not familiar with or haven't been following my other BLOG , I haved lived in Los Angeles, California for the majority of the last 2 years. While I spent a lot of time in Santa Monica, Venice, and Hollywood... I also spent some time in South Central, Watts, and Inglewood as well.

I did a lot of self reflection and spent a lot of time alone in solitude during my time in Los Angeles. I took a lot of 8 hour, 24 hour, and even 72 hour walks.

I walked from the Santa Monica Pier to LAX. I walked from Runyan Canyon to Playa Vista. I walked through South Central, Crenshaw, and Compton.

I once climbed to a restricted area at the top of Baldwin Hills and smoked a blunt while looking at both Hollywood and the ocean at the same time. I stayed on top of the hill until sunset, and watched the sun go down both over the city and over the ocean at the same time.

I didn't take that pic. I learned that from the movie "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty."

Those were some short days. Very short days. That introspection during those walks helped me resolve my duality, learn to accept and live in my truth, and brought me back to my essence.

In essence, that helped me listen to my heart.

After living through and coming to a complete understanding of cancer... understanding the consequences of my actions helped me establish a new personal moral code. In short, those two years of self reflection really helped me understand how to love myself, how to become a man, and how to treat people.

I got to practice being myself at one of the freest places on Earth... Venice Beach, CA. I bought the van I lived in for $100 dollars and a bluetooth speaker. That shit was from Canada. It had a sticker on it that had Japanese symbolism(what up Koi), so I figured it was meant to be.

I drove the van from Echo Park to the Pacific Coast Highway with 3 of my friends at 5am... just so we could see the sunrise. I took some really nice pictures there. I still have those pictures, too. I cannot wait to go back.

Soon.

The van eventually lost its brakes. I wasn't going to put any of the no money I had into a van that was from Canada, that had over 300,000 miles, that I bought from another homeless person.

This homeless OG I used to chop it up with at St. Joseph Homeless Center used to help me move it across the street once a week. He was your typical 61 year old former LA crip turned preacher. We used to pray together before we ate. We would sit together for hours while waiting for our homeless services. We would chop it up at the beach together. He spoke the unfiltered truth to everyone he encountered. He was all the way locked into the butterfly effect... no Mandela effect. He used to stop the van with his feet.

Brother Israel, I will see you soon.

Every morning I woke up while I was homeless, I cried. Every morning I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. While I had healed my cancer, I had severe PSTD. Some days I would just stay in the van and cry while looking at pictures of my children. Eventually I would get over the PTSD, get out of the van, and just start walking.

I haven't cried in a while by the way.

(Edit: 1/19/19 9:12am. I cried this morning. I am good now though.)

I had so much energy and would walk so much because the release of my internal suppression's caused a considerable amount of light to be received by my pineal gland. In layman's terms that means the lies that I stored in my mind needed to be replaced. In a world of opposites, that bundle of lies was replaced by the collective truth.

That is how this "game" is played. What the collective truth is, is the collective consciousness... the ether... the net(so many entendres) of the world. I'm not even going to start with A.I., etymology, or language right now. All I will say for now is that this world, language, and life works in opposites, in reverse, and is fractalized all at the same time. If you tell the truth in this game of life, positivity will lead you in the right direction.

My long and slow walks would eventually lead me to parks to smell roses. Thank you Bernie Durant for always reminding me to... "Always take time to smell the roses." I would go to parks, read, chill under trees, and then to Venice Beach to be as free as I possibly could be.

You can be literally whoever you want to be on Venice Beach, and nobody gives literally one fuck. It is literally the most free place I have ever been on Earth. Egypt comes a close second. Peace and shout out to Elohim.

When I say the homeless people of Venice Beach are free... I mean they are free from the governing of the mental. Govern-mental issues do not concern them. Those people have free minds.

Homeless people who are free make omelettes on the beach. Homeless people who are free sleep on the racquetball courts, in tents on the beach, and even under their art in the street. I cannot conceptualize the level of freedom of fear a person has to have to be physically able to sleep under homelessness conditions. Ironically, I have gotten some really good sleep on occasion while being home free.

Homeless people that have lost it all but have found a way to get back on their feet after surviving HELL have a level of freedom, awareness, lack of self preservation, lack of judgment, lack of guilt, and lack of concern for anything up to including their own death.

Homeless people have a level of freedom that cannot be paid for, given to, or bought. You have to walk into a homeless shelter, write your full name on a form, provide an ID if you have one, and look another man in the eyes and admit to him that you are homeless, you have nothing, and that you need help.

I thought through all of my options. I was smart enough to commit crime. I was really smart. I could have been super manipulative and lived with people for free just so they could be around my energy. Instead of doing any of those things, I decided to do the right thing and go to the homeless shelter.

Thank you Karen Jean Kostic for raising me the right way, and for teaching me to how make the right choice for myself in each moment. Those lessons would in turn benefit myself and our family in the long run.

I didn't always do that. I did not always listen to you. I used to do the wrong thing, which took me down the wrong path. I paid for it with my karma. I endured my pain. It was deserved.

I did more good than bad though, which is one of the reasons why I am still here. The good that Koi and Maecee received from me was a direct reflection of the good that I received from you.

Thanks Mom.

I bonded with the homeless people on Venice Beach. Shout out to Tony, Malik, Marcus, and the rest of the homeless regulars there. I got to practice and learn how to be my true self around people who were being their true selves. When you are around people who are fully expressive through art, sports, music, dance, dialogue, song, and culture... it is a beautiful thing. It makes you want to be fully expressive too.

I would spend 8, 24, and 72 consecutive 24 hour days and nights at Venice Beach. I literally spent months healing there. I couldn't write a blog post, make a documentary, or make a movie long enough that could detail all of my experiences on both Venice Beach and in Los Angeles in general. All I will say is that the city of Angels has some "magic" in it, and I am forever grateful to GOD that I decided to stop general and conventional cancer treatment in favor of a direct homeopathic person centered approach.

After I settled down after long workouts on Venice Beach, I would smoke a blunt, do yoga, drink water, smoke another blunt, and go to the Venice Public Library to write.

What I was doing was stretching and breaking my brain, so it would grow back stronger. I also do that with my heart. We all do that with our muscles at the gym every day. I figured breaking my mind and my heart every day would make me stronger, because that is what I did with my muscles every day. I was right.

I was straching my brain with air, so my brain could receive and trap more light.

I was breaking my brain with the pain of my truth, and rebuilding it with the positive energy I received from the light.

I would then need to rest.

When I would wake up, I would then be regenerated and reinvigorated.

Before I smoked my medicine, I always set an intention. I wold ask for love, health, and peace. I also smoked in safe spaces. I wanted to make sure my mind would receive a specific type of pure energy when I opened up my chakras. You actually can give away energy during this process too. I'm not even going to open up that can of worms(pause) right now.

Necesito mas amigos que hablen español.

After I completed my intentional meditations I would then write about what my intentions were, because that is the type of information I would intuitively receive from my meditations.

I love history and culture. History was my first major at East Stroudsburg University, because I was so interested in it.

While I was reshaping myself and my moral code as a man during these months of solitude at this level of freedom, I spent many long hours at the library as a broke and homeless man trying to figure out what to do with my life after losing literally everything I had ever worked to build... both the good and the bad... for telling a small yet very important piece of my untold truth.

I wasn't all that bad, yet that is how it was received.

(Edit 1/19/19 My actions were evil. I had the devil in me. I had to get the devil out of me, which is what I tried to do in the dark. I had to meet the devil in the dark. The devil told me that the only way to free yourself is to tell your truth in the light. That is what I did. That is what it took for me to heal, and to truly be free)

Did I really want to be free? What was freedom anyway? Was freedom worth risking everything?

Everything, everything... up to and including my life?

The answer is yes.

At its deepest level, slavery was a choice. Kanye was right. At it's deepest level there could have been a bunch of dead Africans rather than a bunch of African American Slaves.

Africans were coerced and manipulated to chose slavery over death.

This was my only life. My mental and physical freedom is everything to me.

My peace of mind is worth more and is more important than money or compromising my freedom.

I then intuitively ran into and read the book "Escape from Freedom" by psychologist Erich Fromm.

That book helped me take an even deeper look at freedom.

While homeless in Los Angeles I did a really deep personal study of the evolution of history, in an attempt to discover a universal truth about the evolution of world culture.

I started with American culture. My research and life experiences have led me to believe that American culture is intentionally and inherently biased. I am not saying that all white people understand, intentionally perpetuate, or support the negative perpetuation of that American culture. I am being specific with my language. What I am saying is that I believe that the predominant themes in American Culture are intentionally and inherently racist.

In 2019, you can be any race and be an American that perpetuates this inherently racist American culture.

Racism is not only about skin color, race, or even class in the year 2019.

Racism has everything to do with intention.

Black and White is really representative of Truth and Lies.

If you represent a culture that perpetuates negativity, exploitation, lies, and hate... and you have that energy attach itself to you for your validation... that means you are socially white, that you perpetuate racism, and that you need black(true) people to represent your self created "white" lied filled illusion.

If you represent a culture that perpetuates positivity, self sustainability(stop calling it work), truth, and love... you are socially black, you perpetuate love, and people of all races/genders/classes would want to join your newly created culture because it emanates love, peace, and freedom... due to the fact that it was derived from pure intentions through the means of your intuitive free creative expression.

I am not making the claim that all "social white people"(people who tell white lies in an effort for social acceptance) are intentionally and inherently racist(intentional white liars), or are intentionally and inherently bad. I do not believe that. There are some white people that have been conditioned to act out certain patterns by their parents, peers, and cultures. That applies to all races and genders.

There are some "social white people"(people of ALL races) who are just ignorant. They have not been given the information to see, hear, or understand the truth. They have been conditioned to fear and avoid truths that they do not understand, so they do not seek truth. Most people under these conditions don't even know there is another truth to be sought.

There are some people who know that there is more truth out there to be had, but they would rather be willfully ignorant and settle with false truths that they have forced themselves to fall in love with and believe in. That is still racism. Those are white(white liar) principles.

Then you have people who know the pure truth, pretend to be the truth, look like the truth, and speak the "truth'... yet use what they know in an occult(occult means hidden) way to intentionally exploit and manipulate people.

Those people are literally the dEVIL.

Racism at its essence is false love, and false truth.

There are many "white people" who are pure (like my mother) who do not understand yet who unintentionally perpetuate (unlike my mother) a culture that is bad for the majority of the masses. These pure white people do not participate in cultural racism that is interwoven into society. They look the same physically as the people who do, but mentally they are not the same people.

Pure white people do not live by racist white people principles, and have pure love for all people that have truthful personalities... regardless of their physical race. Again... I do not believe that all "social white people" are intentionally bad. What I do believe though is that there is systematic oppression and intentional racism woven into the culture and language of the "United States" that makes good honest people who blindly follow cultural norms unintentionally bad. That oppression and those ideals are perpetuated through the culture via the law, media, stereotypes, archetypes... and most importantly the water of society by "impure social white people."

Again, we as humans are all %70 percent water. As humans we all breathe air for 24 hours a day. Air is broken down into water. That means we as humans are literally all walking containers of water living in a thinner form of water, separated between the air of the earth and the water of our bodies by only our physical skin.

We aren't separated by color in reference to race. We are separated by color in reference to the emotion that we absorb through our chakras into our bodies.

A lot of us are holding in a lot of white lies that have collectively become a lifetimes worth of suppressed energy. One of my meditation experiences in both of "The Death of a Cancer Patient" books abstractly described this. Dedicating energy to holding in a loop of lies prevents the body from receiving the truth... which was the reason for sickness and the deterioration of my health, and is the reason for the deteriorating health of a dying(lying) population.

When we speak, we are literally moving water. Words and spoken language are the most important things on this Earth. That is because water holds emotion, words carry emotion, and the right combination of words heard the right way can literally cast a "spell" on a person.

Stay with me.

If you don't get something I say right away, you may need to read it again.

The people who think money controls this world are wrong. Water controls this world. I can explain it by using language in reference to water to explain money.

Stay with me.

Water runs along the side of river "banks." That is why the place that holds money is called a "BANK." Banks hold "liquid" assets, currency(currents of the sea)... and cash flow.

friendSHIP, SponserSHIP, scholarSHIP, internSHIP, championSHIP... everything revolves around water.

Again... water holds emotion.

That means everything revolves around emotion... e-Motion... or energy in motion.

Every word in the English language is very carefully constructed. The word spell... you can literally put a "spell" on a person and get someone sick with the right(or wrong) combination of words. The word curse... you can literally put a "curse" on someone when you curse at them. Why? It is because the person receiving the words(swords) is hearing a combination of sounds at a very specific negative frequency or vibration via a carefully created manipulative language. People are receiving negative emotion and dirty water from "curses" that were transferred to them from people with "ill" intentions, all without them even knowing it.

With all of that being said... I firmly believe that the foundation of modern American culture was created, constructed, and is controlled in the United States by European white people.

Not Russians.

The intentions of the founders of this nation were to create a government and system that promotes, maintains, and perpetuates Eurocentric White Anglo Saxon Protestant ideals.

Those are really Nazi principles.

Nazi's still run modern American culture.

Not Russians

There are two types of Nazi's.

There are Nazi's who stand for the truth,  and there are Nazi's who aim to cover the truth.

That is where the game gets tricky. You are never really sure who is a pure white person and who isn't, and are never really sure what "white" person have the best intentions.

This is just me speaking from my heart. I am not attempting to offend anyone. I am just speaking my truth.

Even though America has become much more diverse in the last 400 years, the system was set up in a way that the ancestors and lineage of the founding fathers would always maintain control. Those people are... white. Over the course of time and history, that is exactly what has happened.

Whiteness, liberty, and "white lies" prevailed.

Not 'blackness." Not freedom. Not truth.

What does that mean for me as a black(truthful) man in America in 2019?

All things considered... the system and the establishment are subconsciously trying to take away my culture, my power, and ultimately my energy.

While taking a hard look at my life, I had the realization that I fell for a lot of the societal traps that were interwoven into the culture of the United States. I subconsciously perpetuated European ideals by desiring, chasing, and achieving an American Dream that was created by Europeans in attempt to ultimately control, exploit, and suppress the energy of the black(truthful) people of this county.

What that means is our "govern-ment(al)" is attempting to control, exploit, and oppress the majority of peoples emotions in this country.

What that means is the smartest people or "en"light"ened" ones are attempting to control the water in this country.

That is what happens in the human body. The light(awareness) from our pineal glands helps us perceive the water(emotion) held in our bodies. If our own darkness blocks our light, that darkness will distort our truth.

That is why Harvard wants to block the sun. They want to block the truth. They know the answer to global warming. They know the answer to cancer. I know the answer to both of those, as well as many other people. They know the answer to everything.

The masses receive a distorted truth. The masses receive lies in plain sight. A very small number of public and hidden "white" run "minority" businesses like Harvard are intentionally keeping the truth for themselves, for profit, and using their prestige to pass off their lies as truths. They do this to promote the false lies that education, a career, and "safety" are the keys to happiness. All of those things are in place to keep the system going, and to keep the people oppressed.

The truth is that the educational system in the Untited States is based off of personal assimilation, careers are slavery, and safety is bondage.

The educational system in this country is a business before it is anything else.

When I was in kindergarten I was asked... "What do I want to be when I grow up?"

When I was asked that question at 4 years old, all I wanted to do was play.

I did not want to work for 5 days a week, for 40 hours a week, for 50 years of my life at any point in my life.

The educational system in this country plants seeds of fear in children at an early age. The fact that children think they need to "be something" when they grow up will lead them on a never ending quest of unfulfillment.

If you control what the majority of other people talk about, you control what the majority of people think about. If you control what people think about, you control what people will do.

If you control what people talk about, think about, and do... you control what type of water and emotion flows through the air, into the ether, and into the human body. You literally control the world.

Clouds are thoughts. Rain is the release of that emotion.

Every bodily fluid that ever leaves and comes into the body is simply a different combination of emotions.

A "sea" holds water.

Can you "see" the correlations between water, light, emotions, and thoughts yet?

We are all living inside of a collective dream.

"Row, row, row your boat... gently down the stream..."

I eventually realized that the "American Dream" I achieved was never really my dream. I also realized that my success in the culture I was participating in actually did more harm than good, due to the fact that the majority of people that envied me and who participated in the rat race that was attempting to relentlessly climb the corporate ladder of American culture would not beat me. If I won the game of Coorporate America and looked good doing it, that in itself would encourage other pure black(truthful) people to play an already rigged game.

That is why jackpot winners at casinos, professional sports players, and celebrities are idolized. Pure people are intentionally coerced to use energy in an attempt to chase and model those false truths.

Those people are all not perfect.

The odds are that most people will not hit the jackpot at the casino, become pro sports players, or live their life as celebrities. The odds of all of reaching perfection is minimal. If we have a society of people comparing themselves to a select few in an unfulfilling way, we are left with a society full of sick people.

That is why the population of the people in this country are sick today. We are all stuck comparing everything we have, everything we think, and everything we do with each other. If we aren't better than whatever we are comparing our lives to, we think we are failures. That is not the true.

The fact that I won the rat race had people wanting to do what I did because I looked successful in the eyes of a society filled with lies. Again, my success actually did more bad than good to the pure intentions of pure black(truthful) people.

When I took a hard look in the mirror I realized that I was more worried about my place in a culture of hedonism than understanding who I was and understanding the positives of both my black and white ancestral cultural lineages. When I took a hard look at my ego, personality, and patterns... I knew I had to make some real changes in my life.

I fell in love with labels that brought social status, money, and the pursuit of the American Dream. I eventually got the labels, social status, money... and ultimately achieved the American dream. I had all of the Supreme I wanted up to and including the black box logo hoodie... aka the black diamond.

I have had it all.

Once I achieved all of the pursuits included in the American dream, I realized that what I was doing wasn't what I loved. I realized that I chased and achieved a cultural dream that I was subconsciously coerced to chase... and never chased or even figured out what my true dream or true love was. I never figured out what I loved. I was told I was supposed to chase money and feel important by everyone in to order to receive love. I got the money and became important, but that brought me a lot of fake love. I fell in love with mentors, celebrities, and other people who perpetuated white racist ideals that I did not believe in. I fell in love with people who pretended to be real on the outside but were really fake on the inside.

The process of chasing the American Dream made me forget who I really was on the inside, and also made me begin to hate who I was on the outside. I also realized that I only needed to be loved by my family, a few friends, and one pure woman. I no longer needed the validation of a world full of people who lived their lives based on using and profiting off of the energy of the masses by telling white lies.

Even though most people in the United States would have looked at my life as a success if I would have died of cancer at 36 years old... a part of who I would have been remembered as would have been a lie.

I didn't whole heartedly believe in the work I did, the value of the material things that I obtained, and my place on the social scale as a result of what I accomplished. My career choices were predominately motivated by money. The material items that I bought felt cheap when I realized that I would associate my personal value to the cost of those items. I no longer cared about my place on the social scale of society due to understanding that my place in society was based on vanity, rather than based on the unquantifiable value that I brought to the world.

I then went back to my personal self reflection. While my mothers race is white... my fathers race is black. I have a really respectable black family that is from the deep south in Georgia. I took pride in looking at photos of my black grandfather dressed in a clean suit standing next to my black grandmother in a beautiful dress in pictures that looked like they were taken in the 70's. They were the matriarch and patriarch of a literal village.

MLK, Malcolm X, Muhammad Ali, Bernard Durant, and Huey P. Newton are all men that I look up to, and are men who stood for equality while maintaining their blackness. When I came to the understanding of how American culture operated, who I was, and the history of pure black(truthful) people... my heritage and maintaining a certain level of blackness became increasingly important to me.

I then thought about everything that is going on today in America with our government, this new wave of covert racism, and all of the other social tension in the ether of society. All of that made me want to be an even stronger black(truthful) man, while simultaneously upholding the true respectable AFRICAN-AMERICAN heritage even more.

I then went back to my time in Africa. I never felt more respected. I never felt more free. The air, the culture, the history, the food, the freedom, the love... it was all me. I cannot explain the feeling of being in Africa... A F R I C A ... as a black person. It made me feel whole, full, and complete. It seriously changed my life.

I am both African, AND American. If I want to go back to Africa, I can and I will. That is where where my lineage began. On the flip side of that... it was my African-American ancestors that built the foundation of what is now known as the United States. If I want to go anywhere in the United States, I can and will do that too. I will not let a culture controlled by white supremacy(white lies) and fear control me. 

During my time spent in America going forward... I am no longer going to serve, perpetuate, or be a slave to the Eurocentric WASP foundation of a nation and a culture that is controlled by "white" Nazi ideals.

Simply put... I am not going to continue to let a seemingly harmless culture filled with white lies take any more of my energy. I no longer care about receiving approval from anyone other than myself and a close few. I am complete, right now. I don't need to be validated by everyone, especially from people who may appear perfect on the outside but who really aren't pure on the inside.

I am going to continue to work on myself, and continue to get better. I am my only competition. I went from being Kyle E. Watson in Above the Rim... to 2pac... to the no name security guard who just shot around by himself and dropped gems on students and players when he got their ears and their attention.

The main character in that movie could play the game and win if he wanted to... but he didn't want everything that came with the game. All he wanted to do was provide resources and positive information to the next generation of pure people, in an effort to help them achieve their pure and true dreams in whatever game of life that they are playing. .

That is what I want to do.

I am also going to continue to spread truth, love, and ideals that are beneficial to the collective. I really want to have a positive effect on history, culture, and people not only for the rest of my life, but long after I am gone as well.

While I am going to continue to work with my family and continue to share best practices, the work that I have already done will never stop bringing value to the world. From now until the end of time people will be able to pick up my books or read my blog, and be able to use how I healed to heal themselves.

Understanding cancer, physical, and mental health will never go out of style. My blogs and my books are going to provide value to the world until the end of time. I am at peace with what I have done as a human. I am fulfilled.

I am complete right now. I do not want to die, but I am prepared to die right now. If I were to die today, I would be OK with how my life turned out. I built an amazing family. I found myself, fell in love with my imperfect self, and created something tangible as a result of my self discovery that will forever bring value to the world. I am good.

Art and archetypes last forever. Health and humanity will too. The end of time and the end of the era of humanity is NOT happening. The end of "time" and the beginning of an era of humility and truth is about to happen. This new age is being represented by the age of Aquarius, the 5th dimension, and an era of truth.

More water, more truth.

In understanding what I have learned though my experiences throughout my lifetime... I feel like the most effective way to change a culture is to heal the people of the culture. I feel like my understanding of water, people, and the person centered approach to health that I used to heal myself is eventually going to help me heal people. I believe that what I have learned and know to be true can heal an entire culture and the entire world.

I am already doing it.

Why NOT me?

I can tell you what the Halls of Amenti, the Akashic records, and the ethernet look like. My mind has been there. I have lived through Dimethyltryptamine and had real life esoteric experiences through cancer that most humans will never have. I have literally left my body, became the world for a short period of time, and intuitively decided to come back into my body. Most people don't receive a terminal cancer diagnosis, turn around and get into the best shape of their life, and then write two books about how they healed. Other than to be there for my children... that is why I came back into my body. I was chilling in the light, but I had more work to do in the water.

I promise you that I know what I am talking about, and that my mind has been pretty much as far as the human mind can go. There are some things that I say that you may just have to believe, because my mind has been to places that few minds have been to and come back from.

I am just grateful to have found a place of balance, love and peace in my mind and in my body on January 19, 2019.

Even with that, it is my responsibility to keep going. I cannot stop. I just need to pace myself in my pursuit of knowledge. I took a bite of an apple that was on the tree of knowledge. I took the red pill. I can't stop now. I owe it to the collective.

There are people who I can talk to today about certain things that I wrote about that I couldn't talk to about in a previous time. People are reading, absorbing, and understanding my writing, my results, and my intentions. It is my responsibility to keep going, to keep pushing myself, and to keep bringing positive information, pure emotion, and blue water back to this world.

For the rest of my life I want to help pure people preserve, honor, and maintain all of the positive aspects of their cultures and of themselves.... while simultaneously being able to respect, honor, and coexist with other people who have cultural norms that some people may not identify with. If we all can maintain a certain level of respect, lead with love, and continue to learn about each other... a new culture with a foundation of love, peace, and acceptance can become the new normal. In that world everyone can still be themselves, and still be happy.

That is how you fix racism in 2019. You listen to your blackness(truth, black heart), let it shine through the pure green emotion(love) from your heart(chakra), and express yourself through pure blue(truthful) emotion and your throat chakra via words. Some of us have to go deeper into our inherently biased hearts to find that truth... but I promise you that universal truth is buried DEEP inside of us all.

Simply put, telling the truth is the key to healing. We all have the truth in our hearts. We all just have to dig deep to find it.

That is all I have for now.

It is now 10:31am on 1/19/19. I am done editing, and done trying to make this perfect for now. I am happy with my self expression today. I am going to go take a walk.

There is snow on the ground and it is cold outside, but I don't care. The cold air doesn't even bother me anymore.

Talk to you later.

Peace

Love,

Kyle

It is Friday, February 23rd, 2018. 

I am laying on Teon's couch. 

I am watching her children, while she enjoys a well deserved night out. 

...

I am going to make this quick. 

I am moving back to Allentown.

...

There will be no parade, no party, or any type of celebration. 

...

I moved to Los Angeles with the specific intent of attempting to heal. 

Despite not seeing a doctor in over a year, I am in really good shape.

I do not have any physical symptoms. 

I am not claiming I am cancer free. What I am saying is that I am ok. 

I am waiting on my insurance issues to clear up, so I can get tested in Pennsylvania by the doctor that I have a relationship with. 

If I am cleared of cancer by a medical professional, I am going to immediately transition back into the workforce. 

I am going to give up the government assistance that I receive. 

If I am deemed healthy, I have no problem working. I have been in touch with a previous employer who has been following my progress. We have talked about me potentially returning. We will see how that goes. 

There are some other opportunities out there as well. 

Before any of that happens, my first priority in life is to be a father.

The reason I wanted to heal was because I wanted to continue to be my children's dad. I wanted to see my son have a boy of his own, and I wanted to see my daughter fall in LOVE. 

I wanted to see all of the kids I have relationships with do great things. 

Even though California is a beautiful place with innovate, creative, and inspirational people... it isn't home. 

My family isn't there. 

Even though LA is a beautiful place that I will continue to visit, Allentown is once again my home.  

.... 

The relationships in my life are going through an adjustment period, especially the relationships with the people I was once the closest to. 

It isn't all good... with any of them really. 

It is hard for people to mentally adjust to me being around, especially after thinking that I was going to die. 

My condition was that bad.

I know it is hard for them to get used to me coming back with all of this energy, all of this optimism, and all of these creative ideas. 

Hopefully everything will find a balance, and my old relationships with my family and friends will evolve. 

It is also my hope that while I am back in Allentown I  can collaborate with innovative, creative, and inspirational people from here and surrounding areas, in an effort to make Allentown a better place. 

While I want to fix issues within the community immediately inside and outside of the system, I eventually want to be a part of the system that makes some long term changes within the city. If that means being more political, so be it. 

If anyone is serious about making some real change in Allentown, hit me up.

Until then, I will be around. 

See you soon. 

Love,

-Kyle

Can I live???

I am a good person. I am far from perfect, but I feel like I use good judgement, have good morals, and display a strong character. Up until this point in my life, there is no doubt in my mind that I have made a positive contribution to the world.

Despite any of that, there are some people who look at my life as being a failure. No matter how much good I do or how many people I touch, there are people who will look at my life as being unfulfilled. The reason being is that I don't have faith in any religion, and I don't believe in a GOD or Gods.

In all honesty, I would love to believe in a GOD or Gods. Why wouldn't I want to believe that when I die I am going to enjoy an afterlife of paradise in heaven?

It's just not that easy for me. I am what would be considered agnostic. An agnostic person is someone who is not committed to believing in either the existence or the nonexistence of a God or Gods. So I don't totally dismiss the idea of there being a higher power, I just don't think that it can be proven. I have been told by many religious people that the concept of GOD cannot be fully explained, and I completely understand that. My disconnect is with the religious ideologies created by man being spread to the masses as the absolute truth and the word of god.

Now I am not going to use this time to attempt to debunk any religion, or to attempt to change anyones beliefs. All I will say is that I am very open minded, and have taken into consideration every piece of information that I have ever come across. I have made myself familiar with religious doctrine, but I have also made myself familiar with history, nature, astrology, numerology, symbolism, among many other things. And with all things considered, I cannot whole heartedly adopt a religion, or fully believe in the existence of a GOD or gods.

Now why is that so unacceptable to so many? Choosing a deity or a religion to worship is a choice. I just wish people would respect me as a man for the choice that I have made. It's not like I go around attacking anyone else's beliefs, or even speak on mine. I actually prefer to keep my beliefs to myself. I have found that in most instances that the non-belief in a religious persons choice of worship is a form of disrespect in itself. It doesn't even matter if I follow most of the moral principles that the religion preaches. The fact that I don't believe in the deity that represents the religion or the stories that are associated with it is enough justification for religious people to look down on me. So for those reasons I try not to discuss my faith.

Then there are the people who don't look down on me for my beliefs, but who feel sorry for me because of them. I appreciate the concern of those people, but I don't need anyone to feel bad for me. I am good. I have come to terms with what I believe will happen to me when I die. It is actually what I believe will happen to me when I die that actually helps me live. That belief helps me put things in my life in perspective. That belief helps me let out my emotions. That belief helps me value every moment, and appreciate every day. It is interesting that the non-belief in a religion or deity helps me through life in a lot of the same ways that the belief in a religion does to a person with strong faith.

I know I may never understand the purpose of my life, or the purpose of humanity. To me that is part of the beauty of living. We are all given the opportunity to create our own unique path through the journey of life during our brief existence. I value my opportunity, and I have created what I feel is a fulfilling path on my terms, all without having any burden of guilt hanging over me for not living within the constraints of any man made religion. I am going to continue to think, live, love, and be what I consider successful my way, all while using good judgement, having good morals, and displaying a strong character.

Now with all of those things considered...

Can I live????

Group...

When I was in high school, I was in a program called "Group." Group was a program designed to help at risk kids by giving them the opportunity to talk about their issues, providing incentives for reaching academic and behavioral goals, and by giving them the extra guidance and support they needed in hopes of achieving a better future. The program started from 9Th grade and continued through graduation.

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Group was a program created by Ms. Miller, a guidance counselor at my school. She was a very energetic and optimistic woman who was very passionate about her job. She really wanted to make a difference in the lives of others. The program was not a requirement for her, but a personal challenge that she wanted to take on. And as a middle aged white woman, it would be no small task attempting to get through to a bunch of disobedient minority children.

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The kids in the Group were myself, Tramell, Josh, Mark, Deante, Sheldon, Lamar, Elliot, and Veliano. We all either came from broken homes, gotten in trouble, or had some other type of behavioral or emotional issues.

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We would meet for Group in an empty conference room at least one time a week during our free period. In the beginning, none of us kids took it too serious. While Ms. Miller would be attempting to have a serious discussion with us, everyone would be playing around, talking, not listening, or not participating. Ms. Miller would get so frustrated... sometimes to the point where she would have to leave the room to regain her composure. There was one day in particular where she left the room crying because Josh and Sheldon were throwing books. I know there were times where she felt helpless, but she never gave up on us. She kept trying on trying and trying. She was determined to see us through.

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Ms. Miller would periodically invite minority role models from the community to come in and talk to us about life, listen to our issues, and give us positive motivation. Most of the men would come by one time and say they would be back, but would never return. It would be funny because after a while when someone came and left we would all be in the room saying, "we won't see him again."

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There were two men who did come back though. One was Mr. King and the other was Mr. Durant.

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Mr. King was a probation officer. He looked like he could have been an actor who played in one of those black cinema movies from the 70's. He was big and strong, but cool and smooth at the same time. He used to always rock this brown leather jacket while wearing some aviator cool guy shades.

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Mr. King kept it real with us. He would never sugarcoat anything to make it better than it seemed. He encouraged us to be open and honest, no matter how bad we thought our revelations would be. He would warn us about the consequences of our actions, and give us examples of kids he dealt with that went the wrong way. When he was done speaking, the rest of his time would be spent sitting in on our sessions making sure we didn't go crazy. After a while, it got to the point where Mr. King was at just about every Group meeting we had.

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Mark and Deante were Mr. Kings favorites, but he was cool with all of us. He took Deante and let him use his car for his drivers license test. He took me and Sheldon out to breakfast once. He would do other things for everyone else when he could, which was cool. We all pretty much got along with Mr. King.

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And then there was Mr. Durant.

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Mr. Durant was a former minor league baseball player turned successful businessman. He had salt and pepper colored hair, and always had on a nice sweater. He kind of reminded me of Bill Cosby. He would always give us these firm handshakes that would hurt our hands. Josh would always laugh when he would shake one of our hands because he could see our faces cringe.

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It's not everyday kids like us met a black man who is a millionaire, so when Mr. Durant came around he had our undivided attention. He was a very busy man who had no time for nonsense, and we understood that. He would talk us about the importance of hard work, character, and commitment. When he was felt strongly about something, he would curse to accentuate it. That would make us laugh. When we got a good report card or achieved some other type of incentive, Mr. Durant would reward us with many nice things.

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I remember there was one time he took all of us to Outback Steakhouse. Me and the rest of the kids from the Group had never been to a restaurant like that before. When it was my turn to order, I told the waiter I just wanted a cheeseburger. I remember he looked at me and said... " boy I brought you to a steakhouse and you are going to order a damn cheeseburger??" I did look over the menu, I was just unfamiliar with everything else on it. Then he turned to the waiter and said... "get that boy a damn steak!" That was pretty funny. The steak was pretty good too.

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Then there was the time he took me, Josh, and Sheldon to a Philadelphia Eagles game.

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He picked us up early that Sunday morning in a nice, new Cadillac. I sat in the front seat which made me feel like a million bucks, when in reality I only had like four dollars in my pocket.

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Before the game, he took us out for breakfast at a diner in South Philly. He talked about his struggles as kid, his baseball career, among many other things. That was a good conversation where we got to learn a lot about Mr. Durant.

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When we got to the stadium he realized out of the four tickets he had, two were for one row and two were for another row in the same section. So he grabbed me and he said we will go sit in one row, and Josh and Sheldon would go sit in the other. Josh and Sheldon laughed when he said that, and I knew exactly why. Everyone used to always joke around and say Mr. Durant was my father because they thought he liked me the most. I could only dream that he was my dad.

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The whole game Josh and Sheldon were acting crazy, then turning around laughing at me because they knew I had to be on my best behavior. It was cool though because I was having a good time, while also getting the chance to spend time listening to Mr. Durant talk about life. It was a win/win for me.

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After the game he again took us out to eat, but this time it was at this really nice restaurant. We had a big meal, and we even ordered desert. Mr. Durant pulled out a stack of 50's and paid for it like it was nothing. It wasn't like Mr. Durant was throwing his money around just because he could either, or for publicity or notoriety. He really wanted us to show us that hard work and doing things the right way really paid off.

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Both Mr. King and Mr Durant were cool, but Miss Miller was the rock of the Group. She put her heart and soul into us, even if at times she felt like she wasn't getting through. Day after day she would keep pushing and pushing in an attempt to break us down. She would constantly ask us about our problems. If we had any issues with our teachers, she wanted to know. If we had problems at home, on the street, or with girls, she wanted to know. She wanted us to talk about our problems, instead of holding in our feelings and emotions until they boiled over and something bad happened.

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After a while we started to realize Ms. Miller really cared about us, and wasn't just doing the things she did because it was her job. It got to the point where instead of being defiant with her, we were respectful with her. Instead of her constantly trying to get things out of us, we would willingly confide in her. Instead of talking about how we got in trouble for something, we would talk about how we prevented ourselves from getting trouble. Now we didn't become perfect angels or anything, but things got better. Ms. Miller earned our trust, and was getting through to us. We all became so fond of her that we would go visit her in her office every day, not just the days we had Group sessions. Instead of just being our counselor, she became like a second mother to us.

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By the time our senior year came, our Group sessions went from discussing our problems, to discussing our plans for after graduation. We talked about getting jobs, as well as going to college. Ms Miller would notify us of upcoming job fairs, help us with college applications, student loan applications, and assist us with anything else we needed. We also became mentors for 9Th graders who would become the next generation of Group once we were gone.

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Mr King was still around, as was Mr. Durant. Mr Durant found out that nobody got senior pictures because we couldn't afford them, so he paid for all of us to get pictures taken at Sears. None of us had a shirt and tie, so we all ended up taking pictures in the same shirt and tie that Ms. Miller brought in for us. Mr. Durant also found out that none of us could afford to go to the prom, so he paid for the tickets for us and our dates, as well all of our tuxedo rentals. He used to get mad when he found out we were missing out on experiences he felt we were entitled to, just because we didn't have the money. We were all very grateful for his kindness and generosity.

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The end of our senior year was bittersweet. Yea we were all graduating, but at the same time Group was coming to an end. Speaking of graduation, Ms. Miller actually drove me to and from the ceremony because I had no other way there. After graduation we had a little party at Mr Durant's house to celebrate the success of Group. We ate, laughed, reminisced about the past, and we talked about the future. That would end up being the last time we would all get together.

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It is 11 years later, and a lot has happened since then. Mr. King, Mr, Durant, and Ms. Miller were able to successfully lead us to adulthood, but unfortunately some members of the Group would suffer from no longer having the guidance and support that Group provided.

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I have already spoken about how Tramell was convicted of bank robbery charges, and was sentenced to 41 years in prison. Well Josh pleaded guilty to an accessory after the fact charge in that same case, and is currently doing time for it. Elliot ended up shooting and killing a school teacher during a robbery in the parking lot of a mall. He was sentenced to life in prison.

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Other than that, everyone else is doing alright. Sheldon graduated from college. I think Mark did too. I see Mark all of the time, and I know he is doing well and staying out of trouble. Deante moved to Virginia where he is currently living with his long time girlfriend. Lamar got married and had a baby. I haven't heard from Veliano, and I don't think anyone else has either. I know he had a kid and a girl, and I am confident he is settled down somewhere and doing just fine. And as for me... I am still here.

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Group was a great experience, and I am really thankful that I had the opportunity to be a part of it. Not only did I learn life skills, how to express myself, and talk out my problems, I also learned that there are some really good people in this world. I learned there are people who really care about humanity, and the prosperity of future generations. We need more people like Mr. King, Mr. Durant, and Ms Miller in this world. Looking back on how I benefited from their guidance and support has inspired me to become one of those people.

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I haven't spoken to Mr. King, Mr. Durant, or Ms. Miller since Group ended. Now that I have written about them, I am going to make a point to contact them, just so I can say thank you.

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned....

Daydreaming...

Sometimes I wish I lived in Montana. I would love to live in a one room cabin on a lake, surrounded by a mountain in the middle of nowhere.

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My days would start by waking up to the sound of nature, a beautiful sunrise, and the smell of fresh air. I would make myself some bacon, eggs, or maybe some pancakes. I would always eat my food outside on an old picnic table overlooking the lake. When I was finished, I would just sit there for a while enjoying the peaceful surroundings.

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I would have a dog. It would be a young, strong, and energetic black lab. After breakfast, I would take my dog for our daily workout. I would be wearing one of those red and black lumberjack jackets with the matching hat, a long john, some Wrangler jeans and Wolverine boots. I would do push-ups and sit-ups in the cabin, then we would go for long runs up the mountain. He would also accompany me as I chopped down trees that we would use for firewood. We would both be in great shape.

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Most of my afternoons would consist of me fishing or hunting. Even if I didn't catch anything that day, sitting by the lake or taking a walk through the woods would be time well spent. If I did catch something, I would take my time preparing it so it would taste just right. I would again enjoy my meal on that same old picnic table overlooking the lake, but this time I would be eating while watching the sun set. I would like that.

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At night I would sit by the fireplace reading, writing, or maybe even trying to put together a puzzle. I love puzzles. I would be sipping on some wine, and some old Motown records would be playing in the background. I would just be relaxing with my feet up, enjoying some piece and quiet in a warm, comfortable setting.

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About once a week, me and my dog would take my 1980-something pickup truck for the 15 mile drive to the nearest town. I would take some jumpshots at the local basketball court, and stop by the store for some food and other basic necessities. While in the store, I may take a glance at the headline of the newspaper, but I would never buy one. I wouldn't even want to know what was going on with the rest of world.

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Sometimes I wish I lived in Puerto Rico. Not near any major cities or tourist areas, but in a shack surrounded by trees deep in the mountains.

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In the morning at dawn, I would wake up to the sound of coqui frogs singing and birds chirping. I would wear the same khaki shorts, a white sleeveless t-shirt, and some white Adidas shell tops every single day. I would again make myself breakfast, but this time I would finish it off with some fresh fruit that I would have growing in my garden. My garden would consist of oranges, mango's, coconuts, and bananas among other things. I would have a few different kinds of trees, as well as an assortment of beautiful and colorful flowers to compliment them.

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It rains every day in Puerto Rico. During the morning shower, I would sit by the window and watch the rain come down. I wouldn't mind getting a little wet because it would help keep me cool. When the rain stopped, I would go outside and admire the view of the refreshed landscape from the top of the mountain.

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When the sun would come back out, I would take my old 10 speed bicycle for the five mile ride to the beach. It wouldn't be a tourist beach, but rather a natural and untouched part of the coastline. I would do my push-ups and sit-ups there, as well as run some sprints in the sand. When I was finished with my workout, I would cool off in the ocean. I would just float on my back, looking up at sun and the clear blue sky.

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On my way home, I would stop at the one and only store at the bottom of the mountain. Every once in a while, I would play dominoes with the old men who would always be sitting outside. They would only talk to me in Spanish, and even though I wouldn't fully understand what they were saying, I would just nod my head and smile. When I would finally go in the store, the television would be on and the news would be playing. I wouldn't pay any attention to it though. I would just pick up what I needed, and keep it moving.

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As the sun set, I would say goodbye and take the ride up the mountain. I would take a long hot shower, and spend the rest of the night relaxing in my garden. I would make myself a home cooked meal, accompanied by a glass of Bacardi mixed with something. After eating, I would sit in silence and stare at the stars, while enjoying a nice cool breeze with not a care in the world.
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Sometimes I wish...

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Damn...

Yesterday was the first day of tryouts for the William Allen High School basketball program. It was also the first time in 4 years that I was not in attendance. After a tough decision making process, I have decided that the best thing for me and my family is that I not coach basketball this season.

It was one of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to make. I love coaching, I love the kids, and I love seeing the positive progression of a young man caused by my influence. At this point in my life though, I feel like I cannot balance the time commitment it takes to coach with the time commitment it takes to be an effective father. My son got his report card last week, and he failed two classes. He needs my undivided attention. I have to take care of home before I can try to help others.

I talked to coach Smurda and he assured me that he and the rest of the staff understand and support my decision. I still feel bad because even though I know I'm doing the right thing for my family, I know my work isn't done with the kids. I still plan on being at all of the games as well as
participating in the mentoring program, but it won't be the same as being there everyday.

Hopefully there will be a day I will be able to rejoin the staff, but for right now this is just how things have to be. Damn.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

My turn...

I already know what is coming as I make the right turn onto 2ND St. I roll down my windows and lower the music to prepare myself for the inevitable. I pull up in front of my son's house, and here comes Koi jumping off the porch. He then leans into the passenger side window to ask me the exact same question he always does.

"Can Tajon and Khalfani come?"

Tajon is my son's best friend. He is 11 years old. His father is nowhere to be found. His mother is in prison. His aunt is his primary caretaker, even though she doesn't have a place of her own. They both live with his grandmother, in one of the worst neighborhoods in town.

Khalfani is my son's cousin. He is nine years old. His father is always in and out of jail. When he is out, he isn't around too much anyway. His mother spends a lot of her time at work trying to make ends meet. So Khalfani usually spends most of his time at my son's house.

Now as Koi is asking me this question, I look to the left and I see Tajon. He is leaning up against the railing with this nervous look on his face. He has his hands behind his back, probably because he has his fingers crossed. I look to the right and I see Khalfani. He is on the other side of the screen door trying not be seen, but at the same time trying to be close enough to hear my response. I then take a glance in my rear view mirror. I see a bunch of young drug dealers smoking weed, staring down every car that rides down the block. When I look out the front window, I see crackheads walking around like zombies on Halloween. After my quick observation of the situation, I say to Koi what I always say when he asks me the question he always asks.

"Tell them to come on."

Once they get in the car, Tajon and Khalfani are always smiling. They don't even care where we go. They are just excited to have the opportunity to get off the block for a while.

As we are driving, it takes at a maximum of about 90 seconds for the next inevitable question to be asked. No longer than the amount of time it takes me to drive to the stop sign on 3rd and Linden, Koi will say...

"Dad... can we get something to eat?"

I'm not at all surprised. I knew it was coming. Khalfani and Tajon then take a peek at me through the rear view mirror, to try to get a read on what my answer will be. I then look into the back seat, and ask Khalfani what he ate today. I don't even know why I ask, because I already know what his reply will be. It doesn't matter if it is 9am or 3pm, he will give me the exact same response every single time.

"I ate cereal."

These kids never eat. I will usually end up taking them to my house for a meal. If I am feeling generous that day, I may even take them all to McDonald's or Little Caesers. No matter what they eat, I know they will always eat it all. And if I don't eat all my food, I can always count on one of them to eat the rest for me.

After that we will either go to the park, or go to my house depending on the weather. If there is an open gym, or if I have a basketball or flag football game, I will take them with me. When we just go to my house, they like playing the wii, shooting baskets on Maecee's indoor hoop, and watching funny videos on youtube. They always end up being loud, spilling something, and making a little mess. They frustrate Nani sometimes to the point where she will have to leave the house. I can take it though, because I already knew those things were going to happen when I picked them up.

Every single time I pick up my son, I can expect the exact same thing from him and his crew. On the flip side, they can always expect the exact same thing from me. Every time I get them together, I talk to them. I use those times as teaching opportunities to talk about life.

I talk to them about the young drug dealers on the block. I explain to them that they may have the new Jordans and expensive cars now, but one way or another that will all eventually come to an end. The people who live that lifestyle either end up dead or in jail. Even when a drug dealer gets out of jail, those mistakes still effect them for the rest of their lives. Those charges on your record will prevent a person who is matured and who is really trying to do well from getting a job, a student loan, among many other things. I give them examples of people they all know who fell victim to the game, to further prove my claim.

I encourage them to work hard. Nothing in this world is free, and nothing comes to people by accident. You can't lie, cheat, and steal to get by in life. I unfortunately have Tramell to use as an example of this when trying to get my point across. Hard work builds character, and gives people a greater sense of satisfaction when a goal is reached the right way.

I talk to them the importance of education and knowledge. Those two things are the foundation for their future. I tell them it is just as important to absorb the things they are taught as it is to get good grades. An education coupled with a strong knowledge base provides more options and opportunities for an individual. Those things are what help people achieve their dreams.

I talk to them about sex. I tell them it is ok to wait. I always use myself as an example. Koi knows I love him with all my heart, but having him at such a young age limited my college opportunities. My mom still has a box full of letters from colleges all over the country who showed an interest in me joining their respective football programs. The kids get a kick out of looking at where I possibly could have gone. Having a child changed all that. I also make sure they understand that if they do experiment, that they should protect themselves by wearing a condom. The feeling you get from having sex is not worth carrying around a disease for the rest of your life.

I encourage them to be leaders, not followers. There are going to be situations where they are going to have to make tough decisions. I just have to make sure when those times come, they are ready to make the right choice. They can't worry about what the crowd is doing. When they are asked to sell drugs, rob someone, or smoke weed, they have to understand no matter how strong the peer pressure is, that it is ok to say no.

So every time I get my son, I know he will ask for Tajon and Khalfani to come. I know that they will be hungry, and I know I will have to readjust my monthly budget to feed all them. I know that they are going to be loud, and I know they are going to make a mess. Despite all of that, I have to take them. It is my turn to be James Kostic, Kenny Kostic, Jasper Drummond, and Peter Dixon. It is my turn to be a father figure to the kids of the community. Tajon and Khalfani are good kids. Two good kids who happen to be in two tough situations. There are all kind of negative influences around them, so it is important they can get away and experience something positive every chance they get. It is important that they are talked to about situations in life that they are going to come across. They need the influence of a positive male role model who has been through the same things they will go through. If they stay around the way, it is only a matter of time before the influence and allure of the fast life will manipulate and eventually get the best of them.

I can't let that happen.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...