Group...

When I was in high school, I was in a program called "Group." Group was a program designed to help at risk kids by giving them the opportunity to talk about their issues, providing incentives for reaching academic and behavioral goals, and by giving them the extra guidance and support they needed in hopes of achieving a better future. The program started from 9Th grade and continued through graduation.

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Group was a program created by Ms. Miller, a guidance counselor at my school. She was a very energetic and optimistic woman who was very passionate about her job. She really wanted to make a difference in the lives of others. The program was not a requirement for her, but a personal challenge that she wanted to take on. And as a middle aged white woman, it would be no small task attempting to get through to a bunch of disobedient minority children.

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The kids in the Group were myself, Tramell, Josh, Mark, Deante, Sheldon, Lamar, Elliot, and Veliano. We all either came from broken homes, gotten in trouble, or had some other type of behavioral or emotional issues.

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We would meet for Group in an empty conference room at least one time a week during our free period. In the beginning, none of us kids took it too serious. While Ms. Miller would be attempting to have a serious discussion with us, everyone would be playing around, talking, not listening, or not participating. Ms. Miller would get so frustrated... sometimes to the point where she would have to leave the room to regain her composure. There was one day in particular where she left the room crying because Josh and Sheldon were throwing books. I know there were times where she felt helpless, but she never gave up on us. She kept trying on trying and trying. She was determined to see us through.

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Ms. Miller would periodically invite minority role models from the community to come in and talk to us about life, listen to our issues, and give us positive motivation. Most of the men would come by one time and say they would be back, but would never return. It would be funny because after a while when someone came and left we would all be in the room saying, "we won't see him again."

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There were two men who did come back though. One was Mr. King and the other was Mr. Durant.

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Mr. King was a probation officer. He looked like he could have been an actor who played in one of those black cinema movies from the 70's. He was big and strong, but cool and smooth at the same time. He used to always rock this brown leather jacket while wearing some aviator cool guy shades.

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Mr. King kept it real with us. He would never sugarcoat anything to make it better than it seemed. He encouraged us to be open and honest, no matter how bad we thought our revelations would be. He would warn us about the consequences of our actions, and give us examples of kids he dealt with that went the wrong way. When he was done speaking, the rest of his time would be spent sitting in on our sessions making sure we didn't go crazy. After a while, it got to the point where Mr. King was at just about every Group meeting we had.

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Mark and Deante were Mr. Kings favorites, but he was cool with all of us. He took Deante and let him use his car for his drivers license test. He took me and Sheldon out to breakfast once. He would do other things for everyone else when he could, which was cool. We all pretty much got along with Mr. King.

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And then there was Mr. Durant.

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Mr. Durant was a former minor league baseball player turned successful businessman. He had salt and pepper colored hair, and always had on a nice sweater. He kind of reminded me of Bill Cosby. He would always give us these firm handshakes that would hurt our hands. Josh would always laugh when he would shake one of our hands because he could see our faces cringe.

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It's not everyday kids like us met a black man who is a millionaire, so when Mr. Durant came around he had our undivided attention. He was a very busy man who had no time for nonsense, and we understood that. He would talk us about the importance of hard work, character, and commitment. When he was felt strongly about something, he would curse to accentuate it. That would make us laugh. When we got a good report card or achieved some other type of incentive, Mr. Durant would reward us with many nice things.

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I remember there was one time he took all of us to Outback Steakhouse. Me and the rest of the kids from the Group had never been to a restaurant like that before. When it was my turn to order, I told the waiter I just wanted a cheeseburger. I remember he looked at me and said... " boy I brought you to a steakhouse and you are going to order a damn cheeseburger??" I did look over the menu, I was just unfamiliar with everything else on it. Then he turned to the waiter and said... "get that boy a damn steak!" That was pretty funny. The steak was pretty good too.

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Then there was the time he took me, Josh, and Sheldon to a Philadelphia Eagles game.

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He picked us up early that Sunday morning in a nice, new Cadillac. I sat in the front seat which made me feel like a million bucks, when in reality I only had like four dollars in my pocket.

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Before the game, he took us out for breakfast at a diner in South Philly. He talked about his struggles as kid, his baseball career, among many other things. That was a good conversation where we got to learn a lot about Mr. Durant.

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When we got to the stadium he realized out of the four tickets he had, two were for one row and two were for another row in the same section. So he grabbed me and he said we will go sit in one row, and Josh and Sheldon would go sit in the other. Josh and Sheldon laughed when he said that, and I knew exactly why. Everyone used to always joke around and say Mr. Durant was my father because they thought he liked me the most. I could only dream that he was my dad.

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The whole game Josh and Sheldon were acting crazy, then turning around laughing at me because they knew I had to be on my best behavior. It was cool though because I was having a good time, while also getting the chance to spend time listening to Mr. Durant talk about life. It was a win/win for me.

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After the game he again took us out to eat, but this time it was at this really nice restaurant. We had a big meal, and we even ordered desert. Mr. Durant pulled out a stack of 50's and paid for it like it was nothing. It wasn't like Mr. Durant was throwing his money around just because he could either, or for publicity or notoriety. He really wanted us to show us that hard work and doing things the right way really paid off.

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Both Mr. King and Mr Durant were cool, but Miss Miller was the rock of the Group. She put her heart and soul into us, even if at times she felt like she wasn't getting through. Day after day she would keep pushing and pushing in an attempt to break us down. She would constantly ask us about our problems. If we had any issues with our teachers, she wanted to know. If we had problems at home, on the street, or with girls, she wanted to know. She wanted us to talk about our problems, instead of holding in our feelings and emotions until they boiled over and something bad happened.

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After a while we started to realize Ms. Miller really cared about us, and wasn't just doing the things she did because it was her job. It got to the point where instead of being defiant with her, we were respectful with her. Instead of her constantly trying to get things out of us, we would willingly confide in her. Instead of talking about how we got in trouble for something, we would talk about how we prevented ourselves from getting trouble. Now we didn't become perfect angels or anything, but things got better. Ms. Miller earned our trust, and was getting through to us. We all became so fond of her that we would go visit her in her office every day, not just the days we had Group sessions. Instead of just being our counselor, she became like a second mother to us.

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By the time our senior year came, our Group sessions went from discussing our problems, to discussing our plans for after graduation. We talked about getting jobs, as well as going to college. Ms Miller would notify us of upcoming job fairs, help us with college applications, student loan applications, and assist us with anything else we needed. We also became mentors for 9Th graders who would become the next generation of Group once we were gone.

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Mr King was still around, as was Mr. Durant. Mr Durant found out that nobody got senior pictures because we couldn't afford them, so he paid for all of us to get pictures taken at Sears. None of us had a shirt and tie, so we all ended up taking pictures in the same shirt and tie that Ms. Miller brought in for us. Mr. Durant also found out that none of us could afford to go to the prom, so he paid for the tickets for us and our dates, as well all of our tuxedo rentals. He used to get mad when he found out we were missing out on experiences he felt we were entitled to, just because we didn't have the money. We were all very grateful for his kindness and generosity.

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The end of our senior year was bittersweet. Yea we were all graduating, but at the same time Group was coming to an end. Speaking of graduation, Ms. Miller actually drove me to and from the ceremony because I had no other way there. After graduation we had a little party at Mr Durant's house to celebrate the success of Group. We ate, laughed, reminisced about the past, and we talked about the future. That would end up being the last time we would all get together.

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It is 11 years later, and a lot has happened since then. Mr. King, Mr, Durant, and Ms. Miller were able to successfully lead us to adulthood, but unfortunately some members of the Group would suffer from no longer having the guidance and support that Group provided.

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I have already spoken about how Tramell was convicted of bank robbery charges, and was sentenced to 41 years in prison. Well Josh pleaded guilty to an accessory after the fact charge in that same case, and is currently doing time for it. Elliot ended up shooting and killing a school teacher during a robbery in the parking lot of a mall. He was sentenced to life in prison.

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Other than that, everyone else is doing alright. Sheldon graduated from college. I think Mark did too. I see Mark all of the time, and I know he is doing well and staying out of trouble. Deante moved to Virginia where he is currently living with his long time girlfriend. Lamar got married and had a baby. I haven't heard from Veliano, and I don't think anyone else has either. I know he had a kid and a girl, and I am confident he is settled down somewhere and doing just fine. And as for me... I am still here.

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Group was a great experience, and I am really thankful that I had the opportunity to be a part of it. Not only did I learn life skills, how to express myself, and talk out my problems, I also learned that there are some really good people in this world. I learned there are people who really care about humanity, and the prosperity of future generations. We need more people like Mr. King, Mr. Durant, and Ms Miller in this world. Looking back on how I benefited from their guidance and support has inspired me to become one of those people.

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I haven't spoken to Mr. King, Mr. Durant, or Ms. Miller since Group ended. Now that I have written about them, I am going to make a point to contact them, just so I can say thank you.

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned....

Daydreaming...

Sometimes I wish I lived in Montana. I would love to live in a one room cabin on a lake, surrounded by a mountain in the middle of nowhere.

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My days would start by waking up to the sound of nature, a beautiful sunrise, and the smell of fresh air. I would make myself some bacon, eggs, or maybe some pancakes. I would always eat my food outside on an old picnic table overlooking the lake. When I was finished, I would just sit there for a while enjoying the peaceful surroundings.

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I would have a dog. It would be a young, strong, and energetic black lab. After breakfast, I would take my dog for our daily workout. I would be wearing one of those red and black lumberjack jackets with the matching hat, a long john, some Wrangler jeans and Wolverine boots. I would do push-ups and sit-ups in the cabin, then we would go for long runs up the mountain. He would also accompany me as I chopped down trees that we would use for firewood. We would both be in great shape.

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Most of my afternoons would consist of me fishing or hunting. Even if I didn't catch anything that day, sitting by the lake or taking a walk through the woods would be time well spent. If I did catch something, I would take my time preparing it so it would taste just right. I would again enjoy my meal on that same old picnic table overlooking the lake, but this time I would be eating while watching the sun set. I would like that.

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At night I would sit by the fireplace reading, writing, or maybe even trying to put together a puzzle. I love puzzles. I would be sipping on some wine, and some old Motown records would be playing in the background. I would just be relaxing with my feet up, enjoying some piece and quiet in a warm, comfortable setting.

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About once a week, me and my dog would take my 1980-something pickup truck for the 15 mile drive to the nearest town. I would take some jumpshots at the local basketball court, and stop by the store for some food and other basic necessities. While in the store, I may take a glance at the headline of the newspaper, but I would never buy one. I wouldn't even want to know what was going on with the rest of world.

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Sometimes I wish I lived in Puerto Rico. Not near any major cities or tourist areas, but in a shack surrounded by trees deep in the mountains.

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In the morning at dawn, I would wake up to the sound of coqui frogs singing and birds chirping. I would wear the same khaki shorts, a white sleeveless t-shirt, and some white Adidas shell tops every single day. I would again make myself breakfast, but this time I would finish it off with some fresh fruit that I would have growing in my garden. My garden would consist of oranges, mango's, coconuts, and bananas among other things. I would have a few different kinds of trees, as well as an assortment of beautiful and colorful flowers to compliment them.

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It rains every day in Puerto Rico. During the morning shower, I would sit by the window and watch the rain come down. I wouldn't mind getting a little wet because it would help keep me cool. When the rain stopped, I would go outside and admire the view of the refreshed landscape from the top of the mountain.

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When the sun would come back out, I would take my old 10 speed bicycle for the five mile ride to the beach. It wouldn't be a tourist beach, but rather a natural and untouched part of the coastline. I would do my push-ups and sit-ups there, as well as run some sprints in the sand. When I was finished with my workout, I would cool off in the ocean. I would just float on my back, looking up at sun and the clear blue sky.

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On my way home, I would stop at the one and only store at the bottom of the mountain. Every once in a while, I would play dominoes with the old men who would always be sitting outside. They would only talk to me in Spanish, and even though I wouldn't fully understand what they were saying, I would just nod my head and smile. When I would finally go in the store, the television would be on and the news would be playing. I wouldn't pay any attention to it though. I would just pick up what I needed, and keep it moving.

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As the sun set, I would say goodbye and take the ride up the mountain. I would take a long hot shower, and spend the rest of the night relaxing in my garden. I would make myself a home cooked meal, accompanied by a glass of Bacardi mixed with something. After eating, I would sit in silence and stare at the stars, while enjoying a nice cool breeze with not a care in the world.
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Sometimes I wish...

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Damn...

Yesterday was the first day of tryouts for the William Allen High School basketball program. It was also the first time in 4 years that I was not in attendance. After a tough decision making process, I have decided that the best thing for me and my family is that I not coach basketball this season.

It was one of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to make. I love coaching, I love the kids, and I love seeing the positive progression of a young man caused by my influence. At this point in my life though, I feel like I cannot balance the time commitment it takes to coach with the time commitment it takes to be an effective father. My son got his report card last week, and he failed two classes. He needs my undivided attention. I have to take care of home before I can try to help others.

I talked to coach Smurda and he assured me that he and the rest of the staff understand and support my decision. I still feel bad because even though I know I'm doing the right thing for my family, I know my work isn't done with the kids. I still plan on being at all of the games as well as
participating in the mentoring program, but it won't be the same as being there everyday.

Hopefully there will be a day I will be able to rejoin the staff, but for right now this is just how things have to be. Damn.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

My turn...

I already know what is coming as I make the right turn onto 2ND St. I roll down my windows and lower the music to prepare myself for the inevitable. I pull up in front of my son's house, and here comes Koi jumping off the porch. He then leans into the passenger side window to ask me the exact same question he always does.

"Can Tajon and Khalfani come?"

Tajon is my son's best friend. He is 11 years old. His father is nowhere to be found. His mother is in prison. His aunt is his primary caretaker, even though she doesn't have a place of her own. They both live with his grandmother, in one of the worst neighborhoods in town.

Khalfani is my son's cousin. He is nine years old. His father is always in and out of jail. When he is out, he isn't around too much anyway. His mother spends a lot of her time at work trying to make ends meet. So Khalfani usually spends most of his time at my son's house.

Now as Koi is asking me this question, I look to the left and I see Tajon. He is leaning up against the railing with this nervous look on his face. He has his hands behind his back, probably because he has his fingers crossed. I look to the right and I see Khalfani. He is on the other side of the screen door trying not be seen, but at the same time trying to be close enough to hear my response. I then take a glance in my rear view mirror. I see a bunch of young drug dealers smoking weed, staring down every car that rides down the block. When I look out the front window, I see crackheads walking around like zombies on Halloween. After my quick observation of the situation, I say to Koi what I always say when he asks me the question he always asks.

"Tell them to come on."

Once they get in the car, Tajon and Khalfani are always smiling. They don't even care where we go. They are just excited to have the opportunity to get off the block for a while.

As we are driving, it takes at a maximum of about 90 seconds for the next inevitable question to be asked. No longer than the amount of time it takes me to drive to the stop sign on 3rd and Linden, Koi will say...

"Dad... can we get something to eat?"

I'm not at all surprised. I knew it was coming. Khalfani and Tajon then take a peek at me through the rear view mirror, to try to get a read on what my answer will be. I then look into the back seat, and ask Khalfani what he ate today. I don't even know why I ask, because I already know what his reply will be. It doesn't matter if it is 9am or 3pm, he will give me the exact same response every single time.

"I ate cereal."

These kids never eat. I will usually end up taking them to my house for a meal. If I am feeling generous that day, I may even take them all to McDonald's or Little Caesers. No matter what they eat, I know they will always eat it all. And if I don't eat all my food, I can always count on one of them to eat the rest for me.

After that we will either go to the park, or go to my house depending on the weather. If there is an open gym, or if I have a basketball or flag football game, I will take them with me. When we just go to my house, they like playing the wii, shooting baskets on Maecee's indoor hoop, and watching funny videos on youtube. They always end up being loud, spilling something, and making a little mess. They frustrate Nani sometimes to the point where she will have to leave the house. I can take it though, because I already knew those things were going to happen when I picked them up.

Every single time I pick up my son, I can expect the exact same thing from him and his crew. On the flip side, they can always expect the exact same thing from me. Every time I get them together, I talk to them. I use those times as teaching opportunities to talk about life.

I talk to them about the young drug dealers on the block. I explain to them that they may have the new Jordans and expensive cars now, but one way or another that will all eventually come to an end. The people who live that lifestyle either end up dead or in jail. Even when a drug dealer gets out of jail, those mistakes still effect them for the rest of their lives. Those charges on your record will prevent a person who is matured and who is really trying to do well from getting a job, a student loan, among many other things. I give them examples of people they all know who fell victim to the game, to further prove my claim.

I encourage them to work hard. Nothing in this world is free, and nothing comes to people by accident. You can't lie, cheat, and steal to get by in life. I unfortunately have Tramell to use as an example of this when trying to get my point across. Hard work builds character, and gives people a greater sense of satisfaction when a goal is reached the right way.

I talk to them the importance of education and knowledge. Those two things are the foundation for their future. I tell them it is just as important to absorb the things they are taught as it is to get good grades. An education coupled with a strong knowledge base provides more options and opportunities for an individual. Those things are what help people achieve their dreams.

I talk to them about sex. I tell them it is ok to wait. I always use myself as an example. Koi knows I love him with all my heart, but having him at such a young age limited my college opportunities. My mom still has a box full of letters from colleges all over the country who showed an interest in me joining their respective football programs. The kids get a kick out of looking at where I possibly could have gone. Having a child changed all that. I also make sure they understand that if they do experiment, that they should protect themselves by wearing a condom. The feeling you get from having sex is not worth carrying around a disease for the rest of your life.

I encourage them to be leaders, not followers. There are going to be situations where they are going to have to make tough decisions. I just have to make sure when those times come, they are ready to make the right choice. They can't worry about what the crowd is doing. When they are asked to sell drugs, rob someone, or smoke weed, they have to understand no matter how strong the peer pressure is, that it is ok to say no.

So every time I get my son, I know he will ask for Tajon and Khalfani to come. I know that they will be hungry, and I know I will have to readjust my monthly budget to feed all them. I know that they are going to be loud, and I know they are going to make a mess. Despite all of that, I have to take them. It is my turn to be James Kostic, Kenny Kostic, Jasper Drummond, and Peter Dixon. It is my turn to be a father figure to the kids of the community. Tajon and Khalfani are good kids. Two good kids who happen to be in two tough situations. There are all kind of negative influences around them, so it is important they can get away and experience something positive every chance they get. It is important that they are talked to about situations in life that they are going to come across. They need the influence of a positive male role model who has been through the same things they will go through. If they stay around the way, it is only a matter of time before the influence and allure of the fast life will manipulate and eventually get the best of them.

I can't let that happen.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

29...

Today is my birthday. I am 29 years old. All day I have just been reflecting on my life. I am thankful to have come across so many great people and have so many positive experiences. I am a lucky man, and I appreciate everything.

I don't have to work for the next week. Vacation in Puerto Rico? Cali? Florida? Who knows? All I know is that I am going somewhere, and I am going alone. I may just get in the car and start driving.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Ace...

In a lot of my writing, you have read the name Shannon. Well his birthday just passed, so I feel like now would be a good time to say a few words about the man.

I met Shannon on the basketball court at the YMCA. I was in the 7Th grade. He was this funny looking kid with an afro, wearing this big purple champion sweatshirt. He was shooting 3 pointers for money with another kid on credit, and he had the kid down a couple hundred-thousand dollars. Shannon was banking in 3 pointers, laughing and joking while the amount kept going up. From that very moment, I knew I was going to like him.

That same night, I slept over my friends house. It just so happens that Shannon was spending the night there too, as the guest of my friends older brother. My friends brother was only like a year or two older, so we all would end up hanging out. We had a lot of fun. From that night on, me and Shannon began chilling at that house every single day. We would gamble, watch TV, and go play basketball together. We became tight.

After a while, me and Shannon started doing our own thing. It got to the point where we didn't go to the brothers house much at all anymore. Around that same time, we started chilling with these two other kids, Josh and Tramell.

Throughout our high school years, Me, Shannon, Josh, and Tramell would do everything together. If you saw one of us, chances are the rest of us wouldn't be too far behind. We would play basketball, steal bikes, gamble, get girls, and do every other thing you can possibly imagine together. From early morning to late at night every single day, we would all be together. We were a crew. Those were some of the best experiences of my life, which I will go into full detail about another time.

After high school, it was more of the same. Even though I went to college 45 minutes away, I would often come home and hang with the crew. We started Coming of Age, a summer league basketball team that would compete in all of the local tournaments. Shannon was a key player on the squad, as well as the general manager. We still gambled around the way, but we also stepped it up and started taking trips to Atlantic City. Shannon would always be driving with his head back and mouth open, but swear he wasn't falling asleep. You was sleep Shan. The girls were still around, but now instead of just being with us, they wanted to take care of us. Kim was always ready to climb a mountain, or swim across an ocean for Shannon.

Me and Shannon would eventually end up moving in together. During that time, things became a little different with Josh and Tramell. Josh had a little drug business going, and Tramell had all kinds of trouble surrounding him. I mean we still played ball together, I still loved them and still would do anything for them, but in certain situations I had to keep my distance. I wasn't trying to get caught up in anything that would get me in trouble. Shannon kind of felt the same way.

After living with Shannon for 3 years, I ended up moving out so I could live with my girl. He would eventually do the same. Josh and Tramell were still living the fast life, which would eventually lead to their downfall. Tramell had to deal with the whole bank robbery situation, and we all know how that ended up. Even though Josh wasn't robbing banks, he was hit with an accessory after the fact charge, in which he is doing time for now.

So now with our two best friends in jail, it's just me and Shannon. We still play basketball and go out once in a while, but not nearly as much as we used to. We are older, we both work, and we both have families that take up a lot of our time. No matter what though, I know if I ever need anything he will always be there. When we do go out, we don't drink or dance with women. We just sit and talk. We always ask each other if we could have done anything different to help Tramell and Josh from going down the wrong path. We talk about our relationships, the good times, society, sports, and everything else you can think of. He is the one of the only people I can talk to without ever holding anything back.

Shannon is my best friend. He is my ace. He is a good man, a great father, and I wanted to take this time to let everyone know he is appreciated. Happy Birthday Shan.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Him...

He is not conceited. He is not cocky or arrogant, and he doesn't think that he is better than anyone else. Throughout his life, he has been told that these characteristics were many peoples initial impression of him. Once they really get to know him, they come to understand that he is not like that at all.

The truth is, he is humble. He is nice, he is caring, and he has a good heart. It may not be evident from the outside looking in though, because he is also reserved. He is introverted. He grew up an only child, so he is used to being by himself. He is used to processing his thoughts and emotions internally. Even though he has grown into a man, his behavior is he same as it’s always been.

If he walks into a party or any other type of social setting, he doesn't need to be acknowledged. He doesn't need to shake hands, say hello, or engage in any small talk. It's not that he thinks he is too good to talk to anyone, he just prefers being in the background observing the scene.

Initializing a conversation with a person or a group of people he doesn't know is something he would never do. He could see the same person-at the same spot-at the same time-every single day, and never say a word to them. Most of the time he is so consumed in his own thoughts that he may not even notice the other person. If they would ever end up speaking, he would be doing most of the listening, and not much of the talking. He is not trying to be rude, that's just how he is.

He loves being home by himself. He loves going to the gym, going out to eat, and going for drives all by himself. He loves being alone so he can think and process his thoughts without interruption. Now make not mistake about it, he loves being around his family and close friends. Those are the moments in life that he cherishes the most. No matter how good those moments are though, he still needs his alone time.

He understands his behavior may rub some people the wrong way, and he is trying to do some things to become a little more personable. He is still him though, so he is not going to change to the point where he compromises himself too much.

So if you see him in a room not talking to anyone, or catch him walking alone not acknowledging the presence of the rest of the world, try to remember that he is not conceited. Try to remember that he is not cocky or arrogant, and he is not thinking he is better than anyone else. He is just being him.

Trust me... I know him well. Hopefully one day you will get to know him a little better too.

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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Reality...

On Thursday, October 1st 2009 at 12:57PM EST, me, Shannon, and Tramell were all sitting in the same room. We were smiling and laughing like everything was cool. Tramell had jokes like he always does. Me and Shannon hadn't seen Tramell in almost 3 years, but it sure didn't feel like it. For those few moments, it felt like we were chilling on the basketball court in the Salvation Army, or sitting on the porch at the crib on 15th st. That feeling wouldn't last long though. The court clerk came in and told everyone to rise, and it was back to reality. We weren't on the porch, or on the basketball court anymore. We were now sitting in courtroom 3b at the Philadelphia Federal Courthouse. We were at the sentencing hearing for Tramell's bank robbery conviction.

The whole situation didn't even seem real to me. Here is a person who I grew up with, laughed with, and shared so many experiences with, standing in front of a United States federal judge awaiting his fate. All I kept thinking was... "how did it all come to this?" The man that the U.S. Attorney was describing was not the man I knew. Yes he was convicted of a very serious crime, but Tramell was not the animal they made him out to be. I know a man who is selfless, generous, and who has a good heart. I know a man who took care of other peoples kids, and fought other peoples battles. I know a charismatic individual with a great personality that could make anyone laugh. I know a man who could walk into a room filled with all different types of people, and end up bringing everyone together. I know a good man. Every time I see someone and they ask me about Tramell, they always follow my response with their own personal story about him. It is always something funny, or something positive. This man touched everyone he came across.

So witnessing Tramell handcuffed wearing a green jumpsuit, surrounded by U.S. Marshall's was hard for me to see. I looked at Shannon, and I could tell it was hard for him as well. We couldn't show it though, because we had to stay strong in support of our friend. You would think with all of the people Tramell helped in his life, the courtroom would be packed with supporters. The only other people there besides us were his mother and stepfather. Tramell told me a lot of people showed their true colors throughout this whole process. I know that hurt him, but I also know he wanted to put that past him, and continue to move forward with the people that stood by him.

I don't want to go into detail about the hearing itself. It was what is was, and I am just going to let it be. It all ended with the judge sentencing Tramell to 429 months in Federal Prison. Forty-one years. Forty-one years? Murderers, rapists, and child molesters get lighter sentences for what in my opinion are far worse crimes. Not one person was hurt in any of the crimes Tramell was convicted of. Regardless of that, the federal statute for the charges he was convicted of called for a minimum sentence of 32 years. Seems like the judge added another 9 years just for fun. Crazy.

When the sentence was handed down, Tramell looked back at us and said he was good. The U.S. Marshall's then proceeded to take him back to prison. Just as Tramell was about to step out the door he said... "I don't believe in time, I believe in Allah." Even though we have different religious beliefs, I support his decision to adopt a new faith, and I hope that helps him get threw this tough time.

If all else fails, one thing Tramell can always believe in is me. No matter where this next stage in his life takes him, he can always have faith in knowing I will always be there to provide the support he needs. We are friends, and this unfortunate set of circumstances doesn't change a thing. I always tell Tramell that they can lock up your body, but they can't lock up your mind. I hope he can lose himself in thoughts of better days, like us chilling on the basketball court in the Salvation Army, or us sitting on the porch at the crib on 15th St. I will always be there to keep those thoughts fresh in his mind, until they can one day become a reality again.

I love you Tramell. Keep your head up.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

It's ok...

I went to Olive Garden last night. They had this meat and pasta all you can eat special for 9.99. It was delicious. I had three servings. I ate two of them, but the third ended up being just too much for me. Since I couldn't finish, I decided I would save the rest to take to work.

Earlier today when I went on break, I ate the rest of the food. It tasted just as good as it did last night. It was angel hair pasta, mixed with five cheese marinara sauce and some meatballs. The pasta was still soft and the meatballs were still juicy. I washed it all down with some ice cold water. I was good.

So I go back to my desk, and proceed to browse the internet like I always do. After a couple of minutes, my stomach started rumbling and making noise. I had just finished eating, so I know my stomach wasn't trying to tell me I was hungry. After a few more minutes and a few more rumbles, I realized what was going on. I had to take a shit.

I remained cool. I looked down at the clock, and saw that I had four hours left in my shift. I told myself to be strong, and just wait it out until I got home. I had done it before. I tried to do whatever I could to keep my mind off the the feeling I was feeling. I got back on the internet. It was a slow sports day, and ESPN.com didn't have anything going on. Nothing good on CNN either. Every once in a while I would get that feeling of discomfort in my stomach, and I would have to tighten up my whole body until the feeling went away. I tried to sit in different positions, but no matter how I sat, that feeling would return. Time was going so slow. Each minute that passed felt like an hour. I joined my coworkers conversation thinking that would help, but I remained uneasy. While we were all talking, my stomach rumbled and made a noise. I immediately started beat-boxing, so they wouldn't be able to tell it was my stomach that was making the noise. So embarrassing. At this point I was hot, I was sweating, and I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go and I had to go NOW. I stood up, looked at my phone like I was getting an important phone call, and walked away as fast as I could.

I didn't go to the closest bathroom, because I didn't want anyone to see me. I ended up going to one that was all the way in the back of the building. I ran in, and I was happy to see that it was empty. I go to one of the stalls, and quickly put some toilet paper on the seat. Even though the janitors keep the bathrooms very clean, there was no way I was going to let my skin touch the seat. I sit down, and this feeling of relief comes over me. I made it.

While I am sitting there taking care of business, somebody walks in. Now I thought this was a bathroom nobody went to, but I guess I was wrong. I just so happened to be wearing some limited edition Kobe Bryant sneakers, which are white, black, and bright yellow. If somebody would see those sneakers, they would know it was me. So as soon as I heard the door open, I put my feet up. Whoever came in just so happened to sit in the stall right next to me. I faked a cough, just to let them know someone was there. They didn't seem to care though, because they sat right down and started doing their thing. They were grunting and making noises like they were in their bathroom at home. Even though I was done, I decided to let them finish before I got up. So here I am sitting uncomfortably in this tight stall with my feet up, sweating, waiting for this other person to finish. Since they were taking their time, I decided that I was going to just make a break for it. So I cleaned myself up, and walked out of the stall to quickly wash my hands. When I started walking, I realized my leg was asleep! I get to the sink and turn on the water, and just kind of stand there because my leg is still numb. By that time I hear a flush, and the person who was sitting next me comes out of the bathroom. I knew the person. It was actually an older gentleman I used to work with. He looks at me and says, "how about those Giant's." We proceed to engage in a little small talk while washing our hands, then he tells me to have a good day and walks out.

All of a sudden everything was alright. I stopped sweating. My leg was no longer numb, and I didn't have that uneasy feeling in my stomach anymore. The gentleman who came in actually made me feel good about the decision I had made. At that moment, it was officially ok to take a shit at work. I have come to the realization that I am human, it is natural, and I shouldn't be embarrassed. Sure work may not be the best most desirable place to take a shit, but you gotta go what you gotta do sometimes.

So I get back to my desk and one of my coworkers says to me... "you ran out of here pretty fast and were gone for a while, is everything alright??? " I looked down at my phone and said, "yeah... long phone call." I know I lied. I was now comfortable enough to take a shit at work, but I still wasn't comfortable enough to admit it.

Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...

Struggle...

Growing up was a struggle.
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When I was a child, there was a period from when I was like 10 until I was like 14 where we didn't have cable in my home. When I turned on the TV, all I saw was a big blue screen. It was embarrassing. I tried to do whatever I could to make sure people didn't find out I didn't have cable. This was one of the reasons I didn't like having my friends come over to my house. In the instances when they did come over, there would already be a movie in the VCR. It would either be House Party, The Program, or Above the Rim, because those were the only movies I had. When my friends would sit down to watch TV, what I would do was press play on the VCR, and THEN I would turn on the TV. So when the TV would come on, the movie would already be playing. I would then say "let's just watch this."

Around that same time is when the TV show "The Simpson's" became popular for kids my age. Well again I didn't have cable, so unless I was at a friends house, I didn't get to watch it. I remember the Simpson's would air on Sunday nights, and every Monday morning at school that episode would be the hot topic of discussion. So on the playground before school, the kids would all be gathered around talking about what happened. I would be there laughing and nodding my head as if I saw the episode too. As the morning went on, I would hear the specifics of the episode over and over again. By the time lunch rolled around, I had heard the description of the episode so many times, that I would end up being the one giving it. I would break it down so good, that nobody would have ever been able to tell that I didn't have cable.

Cable wasn't the only thing I didn't have growing up. As I already mentioned, I didn't really like having people over at my house. Cable was one reason, but another was our water situation. The water in our bathtub wouldn't go down when we took a shower, and our toilet was all messed up. What we did was turn the main line of water in the house off, unless we were taking a shower or we had to go to the bathroom. When we took a shower, the water would fill up in the tub. So we only had a few minutes to wash up before the water was up to our knees. To get the water out, we had to fill a bucket up with water, and one by one dump the water down the toilet until the tub was empty. I hated doing that, especially at 7am before school.

If I had a friend over and they had to go to the bathroom, while they would be walking upstairs, I would be running downstairs to turn the water on. While they would be doing their thing, I would be waiting right outside the door for them to finish. Reason being is that if you flushed the toilet and waited too long, the toilet would overflow. What you had to do was lift off the back of the toilet and take out this ball so the the water could pass through it. There would be times where someone would go to the bathroom, flush the toilet, then take their time washing their hands and looking in the mirror. After all of the that time passed, the toilet would inevitably overflow. They would be like, "yo your toilet is overflowing." I would be right in the hallway acting like I didn't know what was going on, but in the back of my mind I'm telling myself, "of course it is overflowing, you took too long!" Embarrassing.
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As I mentioned in previous instances before, food was always an issue growing up. I used to eat liver and lima beans. Liver is so nasty, but it was either eat liver, or don't eat anything at all. We didn't have much money, so liver was one of the only things my mom could afford. Before I used to take a bite , I would hold my breathe so I wouldn't have to taste it(I would still be able to taste it a little bit though). There would be all kinds of meals my mom would "manufacture" just so we wouldn't be hungry. I used to eat spam, corned beef, eggs, and anything else that was cheap for dinner. Somehow, someway, my mom could make 25 dollars in food keep us fed for a whole week.
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When the little food we had was almost gone, we had to really get creative. I would go to kitchen every couple of minutes, open up the refrigerator and all of the cabinets, just to see if there was something I may have overlooked in my previous searches for food. When I realized nothing was going to magically appear, I used to make mayonnaise sandwiches, bread with just the spices from the cabinet, and my favorite made up snack... pineapple-cheese bread. We would get food from the food bank, and in some instances the food we were given would include pineapples. Me and my mom had the idea of putting cheese on a piece of toast, and then putting a slice of pineapple on it. That creation turned out to be a delicacy in our home.
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We hardly ever went out to eat. The only times I went to McDonald's were the times my grandfather would take me, and those times were few and far between. We did go to the dinners at the food bank though. I remember a couple days before Christmas on December 18Th 1993(I will NEVER forget that day), me and my mother went to this food bank dinner that was in the basement of a church. Before everyone ate, they had a prayer that they did. During the prayer, they asked if anyone wanted to accept GOD, or something along those lines. Well me and my mother already had our eyes closed and our heads down, and we thought that raising our hands is what everyone else was doing. We thought it was kind of like a prerequisite we had to complete before eating. Well as it turns out, we were the only people with our hands up. So they made us stand up in front of everyone, put our hands on the bible, and repeat a few words that they spoke. They hugged us, everyone clapped, and they gave us two little wooden crosses to commemorate the moment. As embarrassing as that moment was, the meal we ate afterward made it all worth while.
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Growing up, I definitely wasn't the fly kid on the block. I used to have two pair of Lee jeans (one black, one blue), a pair of khaki's, and a bunch tee-shirts. I had a few of those 3 for $10 dollar t-shirts with those gangster guys on them. If you grew up in the 90's, you know what I'm talking about. Ironically, I also had a few Bart Simpson tee-shirts too. Sprinkle in a few items from the second hand shop, and that was my wardrobe. In 7th grade, I was around the same height as my mom. She had this one pair of jeans that I kind of liked. They were Bill Blass womens jeans. I didn't care though, I felt like if I rocked them nobody would notice. My mom used to leave for work before I left for school. When she was gone, I would find those jeans and wear them. I used to have to wear a long t-shirt with them though, because they had Bill Blass written on the edge of the pocket. Nobody ever knew.
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My sneakers were always beat. Around that time, Air Jordan's were the sneakers every young kid wanted. No matter how bad my mother wanted to get me a pair, she couldn't afford them. I can't even front I used to envy the kids at school who had the new Jordan's. I remember my homeboy Sheldon came to school rocking the Carmine 6's, and I couldn't take my eyes off of them things. They were mean. I had some Magic Johnson Converse, some Patrick Ewing Adidas, or whatever else was on sale and under 30 dollars at the time. I used to try to tell myself those players were good and my shoes were cool, but I was lying to myself and I knew it.
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Then there were my haircuts. Haircuts at the barbershop cost money. Jasper used to give me these messed up bowl cuts for free. He eventually gave me a pair of clippers, and I started to cut my own hair. I used to put these crazy parts in my head, make myself bleed, and just give myself overall bad haircuts. If I would mess up my hair too bad, I would just cut it all off and try again when it grew back.
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My mom used to always tell me that even though we struggled, if we stayed positive and worked to better our situation, that we would see progress. She told me there is no easy way out. Getting money by selling drugs, or any other illegal means would eventually catch up with you. The easy way isn't always the best way. As always, my mother was right. After years of trying, she found a better paying job, and things eventually improved. We got our toilet fixed. We got the tub fixed. We got cable. We still had mayonnaise on our sandwiches, but now it would be accompanied by meat. She got me some decent clothes, and when I was in 12th grade she even got me my first pair of Air Jordan's. We were seeing progress.
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When I really think back on it though, things weren't really all that bad to begin with. I mean even though we struggled, we made it through with what we had. Sure I didn't have cable, but did I really need cable? Not having cable was actually more beneficial to me than having cable. It forced me to go outside, play sports, and interact with others. Sure our water leaked and that was a problem, but at least we had water. The tub never fell through the ceiling like we thought it would. Our water got hot, our toilet flushed, and the water eventually went down. I mean yea we had to do a little extra to make it work, but we made it work. Yes the taste of liver was nasty. Yes it was embarrassing carrying food home in boxes, and embarrassing eating holiday meals next to homeless people. I always had a meal though. So what if I didn't have the newest shoes, or the newest clothes. The clothing I had may have not been cool, and may not have met the standards of our materialistic society, but at least I had clothes. I was always warm in the winter. And so what if I had bad haircuts. After a few years, I became really good at cutting hair. So good in fact, that I still cut my own hair to this day.
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When I talk about my struggles, it is not because I want pity. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I talk about them because they make me laugh. They make me proud. I talk about these things because it may give someone who is going though a struggle a little hope. There was a time in my life when I was so ashamed to admit some of the things I have been through. Now that I am an adult and lived through those struggles, I realize that I wouldn't have wanted to grow up any other way. Those struggles made me who I am today. Those struggles made me strong. They humbled me. They conditioned me to be mentally tough. They help me appreciate the little things most people take for granted. Those struggles are the reasons I volunteer my time. They are the reasons I give my old clothes to the Salvation Army. I know how much it helps, because I come from the other side of that struggle. I feel like no matter what struggles I may encounter in my life today, I can overcome them. I feel like I can't be broken.
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The great African American abolitionist Fredrick Douglass once said... "there is no progress without struggle. " Now that I think about it, my mom kind of said the exact same thing. They were both absolutely right. Thanks guys.
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Ok that's all for now... thank you for visiting and stay tuned...